I have to report that there are dark forces at work, trying to kill children. These attacks are in the form of Christmas Cards, so please look around your dwelling and see if there are any threats. The cards in question could, in effect, be like unexploded bombs. How do I know all this? Simple - there are warnings printed on certain cards, warnings that clearly identify the dangers. In most cases, the threat is to small children, mostly up to three years old. There are other dangers, depending on the nature of the card. Here are two examples.
Warning: This card is not a toy and is unsuitable for children under 36 months. Contains small parts.
This I found printed on the reverse of what I'd thought to be a rather ordinary Christmas card. However, closer inspection revealed that 15cm x 15cm card, with "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" printed on the front, contained a subtle threat to life. Yes, next to the writing, below the winter scene, was a snowflake, about the size of a 10 pence piece. It was affixed to the card with a sticky pad, so strongly that it's impossible to get off. To my mind, it would be easier for a sub-36-month-old to rip off a corner of the fucking card and stuff that up his/her nose in any bid to block airways and commit suicide. Nevertheless, it seems that the CIC* are keen on maintaining a nanny state where all threats are detailed through standard means, and prescriptive messages are compulsory. This is on occasion useful, as I am quite sure there are some arseholes on the planet who might otherwise buy a Christmas card thinking that it is a TOY.
The second example came from a card that was a musical card - you know the sort, which plays a little tune when opened.
Warning: This product is not a toy. Not suitable for children under 3 due to small parts and/or sharp points which may constitute a choking hazard and/or risk of laceration. Do not dispose of the batteries in a waste bin. Do not throw into a fire as this product contains batteries. The batteries contained in this card are non-chargeable.
Fuck me! Anyone would think that I bought Mrs MWSC a radioactive sample! Never has the opening section of "Unchained Melody" caused so much fucking grief. We have had to make sure that the card is out of reach in case visiting children receive unwanted lacerations. Further, I have invested in a concrete container to hold a lead-lined box, within which the card is set, below one-inch thick glass. The box is stored in the cellar, at a constant 5 degrees. This Christmas card has a half-life of seven years (bad luck, eh?) and so I rather suspect we will have to make suitable provision for way beyond my lifetime. Junior will have to be briefed. How the fuck anyone in this family will ever dispose of the card is beyond me. A check on the website of UK Greetings Ltd reveals nothing by way of advice on how to dispose of its products after all enjoyment has ceased; in fact, there is strangely no mention at all of the 'Inventions' range - it was never here! I have searched all brands etc, especially under the Hanson White name (printed on the back of the card) but there is nothing. I believe I might be at a "Pelican Brief" moment here . . . . . where's Julia Roberts when you need her?
Oh well. We will just have to send it on to someone else when the occasion calls for a musical card.
* Cunts In Charge
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