Dermotitis was rampant! Shit 'dancing' as ever. The twat even announced the guest acts by saying "in no particular order". The first ten minutes included the longest intro imaginable, 312 cliches, no entertainment, and 7.24 tonnes of hype and hysteria. Then we had the obligatory communal song. Sigh.
Break No.1
Talk Talk
Yeo Valley - well sung, good choreography.
Co-op - Shit With Food
Currys & PC World - forgettable
iPOD - interesting
Call of Duty - okay
Bruno Mars Album - Catch a Grenade, and wait till it explodes
B&Q - shit
Trailer for Downton Abbey
Talk Talk - Ting Tings
Marcus
Back to school, then home and tea with Thomas The Tank. Staged chat for the cameras and sound man to record a corny mother/son chat. Gig in a shopping precinct, where there were no boarded up shops; was it really in Liverpool?
The singing sounds awful !!!??? 28 fuckers on stage not counting Marcus. His singing is still shit/flat/crap. What's going on here? 2/10 only; I hope for the sake of the audience it sounds better there.
Elf - "You're in the final, you're at Wembley" etc etc etc
TTT - Sorry, Gary, but he hasn't got "better and better" as this performance was off.
The family racket bit was pointless - as is Caroline Flack, by the way.
Little Mix
Back to everywhere in the country, seeing as there are three locations to cover. Schools obviously had the day off to cheer. A sofa moment in South Shields, then a rather big venue/performance.
Too many people on stage again. Still, the song was slightly better performed than Marcus managed.
Elf - This is the next big girl band.
The family bit was with Caroline, who asked one of the mums if she was a "proud mother tonight". Wonderful questioning, luv.
Break No.2
Talk Talk
Trailer for the (pointless & unnecessary) remake of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Playstation - shit advert
Wonga - rip off cunts who should not be allowed airtime!
Tesco - they don't help at all, even a little
Carphone Warehouse - creepy voice
Playstation - again?
Boots - stupid concept taken too far!
Michael Buble Trailer - Bollocks
Talk Talk
Amelia
Compulsory visit to school, as usual. Twattish squealing girls. KR still hasn't learned how to pronounce 'Amelia', the silly moo. The Empire in Middlesbrough was a great venue, though.
Fair play, luv; you sang it okay. Why do we have to have dozens of people on stage? Ought they not to be guarding the doors, or serving burgers at the back?
Elf - "Middlesbrough needs to vote" - apparently.
TC - "You're at the final." What a revelation.
No wonder Amelia left school at 16, with teachers like the two in the pink!
After round one, Marcus is definitely the weakest link.
JLS & One Direction
JLS is indeed one of the biggest boy bands in the country, Dermot, but One Direct most definitely isn't - they've done sod all so far except fuck Caroline Flack and hook up with Perrie from Little Mix [the other two are still trying to master tying their shoe laces]. What a load of fuss about a mish-mash of a performance. This was also a money-saving measure, using old winners of competitions.
Break No.3
Talk Talk
Littlewoods - too expensive
Hangover Part II Trailer - looks funny
Homme - fragrance by David Beckham? That explains why the voiceover said "Umm . . . "
Forrero Rocher - why would you bother?
Omega - Nicole Kidman flouncing around
Aldi - cheap enough
Daisy Perfume - okay advert for overpriced stuff
Kindle - what's wrong with a book?
Wii - more technology to buy
ITV2 Trailer for TOWIE - S.H.I.T.
Talk Talk
Marcus and Thomas The Tank
Singing one of the best songs in the world was a good start. Two blokes singing it together is not really much cop, though. Still, saved paying for a guest singer. It was a 'dream come true', said Marcus, to perform with TTT. Caroline Fuck talked to a bloke in a bow tie, then Olly spoke to 'Nafan'. All pointless.
Little Mix and Tulisa
Well it was all in tune, and the 5-piece seemed to work okay. Olly was with the "Mayor and the Mayoness", he said - one step further and his gaff would have reached "Mayonnaise".
Break No.4
Talk Talk - Jingle fucking Bells
LloydsTSB - yes, the ones who lost billions; twats.
Pepsi Max - silly advert
KFC - their best advert for many years, even if the chips are shit
Take That - album, dvd, no thanks
Playstation/Game - more shit being peddled
Halfords - who shops there anymore?
Harry Potter DVDs - £20 at Tesco, free on telly
Film Trailer - Alvin and the Chipmonks, spoilt by the animators
Trailer for Just Henry - no idea what that is
Talk Talk
Amelia and Kelly Rowland
KR put Sophie through rather than 'Amill-ya' so it's all a bit two-faced to go on about her belief in her etc. Very noisy but okay. The one in a black dress and blonde hair (I think that was Amelia) was slightly better than the one in gold - KR. She's a "born superstar", said KR. The waste-of-space duo of Flack & Murs achieved nothing with the family bit. I think that Caroline wanted to suck on the cock-tail.
Leona Lewis
Another act-on-the-cheap. How many more are they going to stick in front of us? How about bringing back Steve Brookstein, or Leon??? Joe McElderry for Pope!!! Oh my God, she's a massive fucking Russian Doll - there's someone under that dress, exciting her. I suspect she'll climax in 2.5 minutes as the song reaches the squealing bit. I am sitting here while she talks to herself; oh, sorry, it's got a bit louder now - we're in phase two of three. Eh up, getting towards the climax, now. All quiet again now. That was a bit damp (said the person under the dress?). "How are our contestants feeling right now?" delved Dermot. "Nervous" said the oracle that is Leona. Amazing exchanges.
Break No.5
Talk Talk
McDonalds - believe any of that shit and you're mad
Wii - twee bollocks on the sofa
Tesco - Wii bundle for £99 - too much
Halifax - The cunts are still fucking singing and driving me nuts; walk on sunshine in another galaxy. Conducting Prize Draws is not the fucking business of a bank!!!
Chanel - corny advert for flat WKD
Sainsburys - Jamie, as ever.
Trailer for Downton Abbey
Talk Talk - more jingle shit
Elf - The three judges nailed it tonight. Creep.
KR - "All of the eggs that performed tonight . . ." [she meant 'acts']
Michael Buble
What the fuck? He is the "Unwanted Socks that don't even fit" of Christmas. Fuck off and sing about it on someone else's stage - Ayers Rock would do, if it really has to be on this planet. Blander than magnolia paint, he should be attending to his wife's needs and not ruining my Saturday. "Michael Buble, everyone", said Dermot. As if we didn't fucking know!
Competition Time - "I'm walking on:
A: Sunshine
B: Eggshells
C: Water
Break No.6
Talk Talk
Coke - mildly amusing
Schwartzkopf - shit for your hair
Asda - Saving You Money Every Day - bollocks
Wii - Mario Kunt; more shit to buy
02 - Kasabian; long advert, that
Text Santa trailer - NB: with Christine Pointless Bleakley
Talk Talk
Result
Little Mix through, as expected. Marcus was actually quite lucky, as he was a bit weak tonight. I suspect Little Mix will win tomorrow. Wonder if we'll get another 60 adverts and trailers (?)
TTT = Thomas the Tank / Gary Barlow
TC = Top Cat / Tulisa Contostavlos
Elf = Louis Walsh
KR / WICSCO = Kelly Rowland / When It Counts She Chickens Out
...
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