What a pointless exercise, not least because the Queen threw a sickie (a case of anticipated boredom, I think) and Princess Anne stepped in - call of duty, eh [not the game - the Queens playing that with Phil].
Hayley Westenra
Pretty crappy song she sang, called 'God Save The Queen'.
Drums & Tumblers
No idea what this ensemble was called, but they drummed and tumbled and fidgeted and hit shit out of dustbin lids. I was tempted to join in by kicking the wheelie bin when I left to put the rubbish out.
Cee Lo Green
He came on and weakly warbled his way through a weak song called 'Anyway'. Anyway . . . .
Pole Dancers
No idea who these two chaps were, but they were very good. In fact, they were an awful lot better than any female pole dancers - not that I've ever seen that many. Well done chaps, your act was interesting and original.
Greg Davies
He was funny from about half way through his five minutes - the first half was dire, all about how tall he is and was when growing up. Short on material then.
Pixie Lott
Shit song, sung badly. Shit.
Omid Djalili
If he wasn't Iranian, he wouldn't have an act. Actually, he is Iranian and still he hasn't got an act. The only topic relates to him being from Iran. I think he and Shappi Khorsandi ought to elope - maybe to Iran ?)
Leona Lewis
This was the same song that she sang on X-Factor. Basically, it's a performance by the sound engineer. She sings, and he adjusts the volume. It starts really quietly, so you can't actually hear what's being sung. He slowly turns the dial round, so that the volume increases for 2.75 minutes, and then suddenly turns it down to "just about fucking audible (to a whale)" again. Don't know what Leona said at all, but she did it in the way she always does.
Violinist
Okay, so he could play the violin. Whoop-de-do. The flashing lights / laser lights were completely unnecessary and annoying.
Nicole Scherzinger
I haven't got a clue what she sang, but it was annoying and abrasive to the ears. Noise.
Jim Owen
Funny man - but only given about three minutes.
Singing In The Rain
The cast of this show should have stayed at home - dire "entertainment".
Penn & Teller
Shit with cups and balls for two minutes, before the small silent one did an illusion that was pretty good.
Il Divo
The usual Italian noise that sounds like an advert for something.
Somebody Miller
Missed his first name - funny, but I saw this act twenty years ago - that doesn't help with 'variety'.
Jai McDowall
He stood on stage and sang something. The choir stood and sang in the background. The conductor, though, was animated as fuck! The stage had cut-outs of trees, so they were all "in a forest". The "Mad Spook of the Forest" was the pretentious animated conductor who waved his arms like a video of a semaphore demonstration played at quadruple speed.
Mime Act
This was the guy who featured at the Royal Albert Hall a few months ago, and he was as weak now as he was then.
Phantom of the Opera
The Phantom (aka the evil Andrew Lloyd-Webber) introduced four blokes who'd recently played the part of phantom, and Nicole Scherzinger. The routine was okay, and Nicole did a decent job - in fact, she was better in this than when performing her own song.
Jason Manford
100 seconds of pointless filler.
Mandy
Mandy came on and sang Barry Manilow - or was it the other way around?
Tim Minchin
Excellent, as ever.
Hayley & Rolando
Rolando Villazon is so animated, he looks like a muppet as well as being one. Both he and Hayley Westenra can sing, but this section was too long, and a "Celebration of the Movies" involved three shit songs and routines that bored me to cuntin' death. If Mr Bean could sing, and he let his hair grow wild, he would be Rolando.
Tony Bennett
Apparently, the "legendary" Tony Bennett. Simply awful. He reminded me of a bloke in a suit, lost and trying to work out how to proceed at a pelican crossing, while talking very loudly, a quarter of the way towards actually singing. Do people clap because they think he'll be dead soon, and this is their last chance to see him, or to express gratitude that the performance if over?? . . .hmmm.
Finale
Cee Lo Green should not be allowed. Leona Lewis should stop doubling over when singing, and giving the impression she's having a crap. Two-and-a-half hours of my life wasted.
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