Well, what a strange programme that was! It was a mish-mash of silly features and the presentation style took something away from the programme's content which could have been okay for the most part. Mike Robinson, one of the two presenters, and apparently a cook as well [I challenge this] really knows how to put the 'count' in 'Countrywise'. His quote of the programme was uttered when he and a farmer were making Scotch Eggs. At the bit where he was preparing a lump of boar's meat to go around the egg, he came out with:
"If you find you haven't got enough, then you need a little bit more."
What a prize fucking pillock. He later made a glorified stew, and put it in the oven. The preparation of the ingredients included an overnight step, and he referred to this with the following:
"Here's one that's been marinading overnight."
He meant 'marinating', of course. It's one of those little things that is quite easy to get right, especially if you're a supposed cook - but not this idiot. The cooking instructions were wonderful:
"Put it in the over at 180 degrees, and cook for three hours, possibly four."
How on earth is one to prepare a dinner if there's the slight variance in cooking time of a whole hour? It was all rather vague and unhelpful. I reckon he'd been on the Crabbie's Alcoholic Ginger Beer. This entity was the programme's sponsor, although the voiceover at the beginning and end of the programme (as well as at the start and end of the commercial break) announced a more extensive sponsorship arrangement:
"Crabbie's Alcoholic Ginger Beer sponsors Christmas on ITV."
So, Crabs are getting everywhere then - further than the kitchen, and covering the whole of ITV at Christmas.
Before Paul Heiney ate a bubble and squeak bap, the other chap - the Count - gave us some final tips on how best to shop for Christmas. The suggestions included the following:
Port, rum, champagne, wine, shortbreads, pheasant, goose, duck-fat, every type of vegetable, herbs, spices, and so so much more. There's no way I can remember it all, but the list was fucking stupid. Basically, you could have fed the cast of Downton Pissin' Abbey six times over with the mountain of food he suggested we might buy, and so be "prepared for any unexpected visitors over Christmas". Listen, twat-face; any unexpected visitors will get whatever's going and be happy, or go without. There is not a Fortnum & Mason hamper being delivered here daily to cater for callers, or to allow me a chance to tick off items on the stupidly long list of provisions you rabbited on about - strangely, you forgot the fuckin' rabbit!
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