Parked in a McDonald's car park, I observed opposite me a row of shops in the retail park. The chips were not hot enough; they were at that annoying temperature where they couldn't be described as cold, and yet they were certainly not hot. The 'taster chip' on the way out had alerted me to the issue and I'd considered my next move. I made it a continuation back to my car, rather than a return to the counter to demand another portion. The main reason for this decision was to avoid conflict where I'd be using the 'c' word in public. The fact that the cunts there were unable to co-ordinate the climax of any order such that the burger and chips were ready at the same time was grounds enough for their being considered cunts, but I suspected they wouldn't be pleased to hear this description being used, especially as all but the manager would be on the minimum wage. I saved myself a further five minute wait because the only outcome that would have worked would have been for me to wait all over again, whilst listening to the pathetic comments of the one in charge. I know this for a fact, because my arrival at the counter in the first place had coincided with her pathetic comments to another customer who'd no doubt been waiting ages because the complaint was underway. I heard the phrase: "You said 'two more minutes' two minutes ago" and surmised that the customer had been there a while, and the last attempt at teasing her with news that her food was almost ready had involved a suggestion that all would be well in two minutes.
Munching on my quarter-pounder (with cheese) I noted the line of shops - six units, like a row of terraced houses, and then a separate one about twenty yards off to the right. The signage was particulary intriguing - at least to my mind, which is perhaps not in synch with anyone else's. While resenting at an absurdly high level the very existence of McDonald's, and the fact that the meals now seem to be a pound more expensive than a couple of years ago [£12.97 for three standard sized meals - Mrs MWSC and Junior were in the car with me] I noticed the prevalence of carpets for sale. Well, actually I mean 'flooring', a more generic term to cover the other various options. Actually, I can't move on with this without wondering about my use of the word 'carpets' rather than 'carpet'. In some respects, carpets are indeed separate things, typically room-sized and of numerous different colours/patterns. So, as with 'rug' and 'rugs', singular and plural works fine. And yet, something is suggesting to me that carpet is also a mass noun in some ways, and it's also fine to refer to carpet in general, just like the word 'stuff'. So, my earlier comment could be tweaked to note the 'prevalence of carpet for sale', which sounds okay as well. I am undecided; insertion of 'different' in front of the plural version removes all doubt, but with no qualifier, both singular and plural seem valid.
It was a close run thing, but carpets outnumbered beds (not 'bedding' of course) by 4 to 3, based on the number of outlets selling these commodities, counting the seventh retail establishment off to the right. For the block of six, the score was 3-3. Why the cuntin' fuck would I want large meals? What a sad state of affairs for the plankton (sweet but dim) on the right hand till to be muttering "Is that a large meal?" after my request for "Three quarter-pounder-with-cheese meals, please." Her choice to refer to just the one was almost an invite to say, "It is indeed a fucking large meal, if I eat it all myself" but a simple "No" left my mouth with a slight hint in its tone that I didn't appreciate the fucking stupid question, and that I'd have asked for 'large meals' if I'd wanted 'large meals'. I would not have been surprised if she'd replied "We don't sell three-quarter pounders".
From the left, the first and third shops sold beds. I know this not because there were notices to this effect, but by an educated guess based on the store names: Bensons for Beds and BedShed. If I were in the market for a bed, I could do a lot worse than choose to shop at this park, what with two shops selling them being so close together. In fact, the second shop along (between the bed establishments) must have been in tune with this line of thinking when it decided to get in on the act. The second shop was called Storey Carpets. If you're in any way confused by my comment, don't be, because I can reveal that this shop had, separate from the shop name that suggested carpet-selling was going on there, signs to relay its wares, and they were: Rugs, Vinyls, Carpets, Beds. That's right! Storey Carpets deemed it necessary to tell the world with an extra sign that it sold carpets! Still, mad as that seems, it's not so mad when there's clearly a need for extra information when a carpet shop sells beds! This created a run of three shops all selling beds. I am not sure if the purchase of a bed would be better conducted by a sales person working in a bed shop than a sales person whose abilities covered (get it!) flooring as well. Whatever the case, one could shop for a bed at three shops in a row, taking in carpets, Rugs and Vinyls at the same time.
Shop number four was Topps Tiles. I suspected that this establishment might sell tiles, and any doubt was utterly removed by two massive further signs. To the left and right of the 'Topps Tiles' sign were vertically positioned letters, stating TILES. So, tiles were definitely for sale in Topps Tiles. I was further advised on what was possible within this store, through a short statement over the door - Open to the trade and public. So, 'Open' to all then. Saying the public can shop and that traders can shop means anyone can shop, so it is a pointless comment. Of course, it becomes confusing when the shop is closed, because then there's a closed shop with a note above the door saying 'Open to the trade and public' when it's clearly not open to any fucker!
Neither Bensons for Beds nor BedShed opted for further signage to clarify what was being sold, each no doubt hoping that shoppers would get the hint from the shop name. Topps Tiles customers must be of lower intelligence to need two further signs - either that, or it's the shop chain itself that is low on intelligence, deeming the overkill appropriate. As I looked at the shop, I saw no one in a confused state, because what with the place being open, it was in synch with the helpful note regarding whom shop workers would be pleased to serve.
To the right again, fifth along, was Allied Carpets. I was surprised to see the name because I was under the impression that this chain had gone bust more than once, and undergone many changes in ownership. Still, the name is a longstanding one and no doubt whichever holding company now owns the massive debts, retention of the name was deemed necessary. The owners clearly have faith in the general public's ability to deduce that carpets are for sale, and so there's no extra comment to suggest this. However. someone felt it necessary to expand on things, because a separate sign confirms that Allied Carpets also has: Vinyl, Woods & Laminates, Rugs. What percentage of people actually eat the gherkins? I sat there, removing a piece of gherkin from my mouth, having failed to get rid of it before starting to eat my burger. At the time I was surprised that only one small green slice was visible when I attended to the ritualistic 'disposal of the gherkin' routine. I'd mistakenly assumed that the person who'd compiled the quarter-pounder with cheese (and 'compile' is an advised term) had omitted a second piece. Such an oversight would have been advantageous what with me always removing the gherkins anyway, but on this occasion I was messed about. The 'compiler' had obviously decided to hide one piece (perhaps suspecting there would be a 50% chance that the person eating it would dislike gherkins) and have that dislike amplified by the effects of a piece secreted below the cheese layer. My brain had told me to expect two pieces, but I'd seen only one. I had decided on an error by McDonald's rather than subterfuge. Anyway, I removed the offending slice from my mouth and considered just how much vinyl might be on sale at Allied Carpets.
Storey Carpets was clear about its product range having lots of items, what with the helpful signs stating: Carpets, Rugs, Vinyls, Beds, - all plural. Allied Carpets did have plurals for woods and laminates, and for rugs, but for some reason there was either just the one piece of vinyl for sale, or vinyl is a mass noun. This inconsistency bothered me. The shop's name used the plural of carpet, so I expected the same approach for vinyl. It is not on to discriminate against vinyl. It would sound mad to say 'Rug' rather than 'Rugs', and that has to be because these are things of a particular size, and individual. Vinyl differs because it is stuff that's on a massive roll and bits are cut off as required. This could suggest that the general term of 'Vinyl' would be acceptable. However, if I concede that point to Allied Carpets, then what about 'carpet' then? The same applies, and so the name of the shop should be 'Allied Carpet'. (I was going to say 'I'm on a roll, here' to introduce an awful pun. Oh, I have said it.)
The term 'Woods & Laminates' is pretentious. 'Woods' is where I used to go as a kid on Sundays, in the days when no shops were open, and when theme parks were thin on the ground and massively expensive (no change there - on the expensive part, not the thin-on-the-ground part). Yes, entertainment was going to the park, or the woods, or Grandma's. The latter was not really entertaining, mainly because I knew what I was going to find - namely 'Grandma'. I suppose when I was set to go to 'the woods' then I also had an inkling of what to expect, but 'the woods' was so much more than just the 'wood' bit. There was excitement and intrigue and exploration. Grandma's house was mapped out fairly quickly, and after a couple of visits, it was 'explored'. The various woods and forests presented of course an almost limitless supply of intrigue for any child who could have no knowledge of what it might be like to shop on a Sunday, play anything that needed a TV or computer (something that didn't exist!) or have any other alternatives to Grandma. 'Wooden & Laminated Flooring' should have been the words used to relay to shoppers the wares within Allied Carpets. I will consider whether to write to the company with a prompt for new signage being considered at the next board meeting.
I wondered whether Storey Carpets sold wooden and laminated flooring. It's a slippery slope, flooring - well, hopefully not, or there'll be trouble, what with the claim culture that now exists. I mean, where does one draw the line in the retail world? I suspected that as well as the announced Rugs, Vinyls, Carpets, Beds, there was likely to be some laminated flooring on sale, and probably some expensive wooden stuff as well. Perhaps someone decided that mentioning 'Beds' was necessary, but that the product range straying into the realms of laminated and real wood flooring was a natural extension and not worthy of a sign to alert shoppers. I wondered if Allied Carpets sold beds, and had decided not to put that detail on a sign. But why would a retailer go out of its way to sell something but not advertise the fact? Why would a quarter-pounder-with-cheese compiler go out of his (or her) way to include a second piece of gherkin, but not advertise the fact? Who know the answers, eh?
I then recalled having bought (in 1996) from Allied Carpets a sofa that turned into a single bed. So, at one time, the range certainly did extend well beyond carpets. But that was so long ago, and in a time when the chain probably had more shops, no debt, and some customers who showed brand loyalty. As it happened, I returned the sofa/bed the following weekend, because the slats underneath were shit, and a number broke within a couple of days. Splicing wood to make slats that are supposed to give support is complete madness. Like gluing together tooth picks to make a fishing rod, the use of weakened (because of the flawed construction) slats to give support was a silly approach that meant the bed was doomed to fail in its endeavours - whether being used as a bed, or as a sofa during the day. I had to write and threaten Allied Carpets, quoting the consumer credit act and other shit, before I was advised by the manager that he would (as he fucking had to anyway) swap the bed for my hundred quid. Anyway, that's all off on a tangent, eh?
The last shop in this block, sixth in the line, was CarpetRIGHT. I have written it like that because that's how the logo is printed. Like most potential customers, I was pretty clear that carpet (or carpets) would be on sale within. The clue in the name was rather blatant. I considered whether it should be called 'CarpetsRIGHT' because Storey Carpets used the plural in both its name and on the sign to explain that inside, carpets were for sale. In CarpetRIGHT, carpet was for sale - singular/mass-noun. There was further signage to help out shoppers and complement the CarpetRIGHT sign. Carpet, Vinyl, Laminate, Rugs. This was all very confusing. The easy one on this list is of course 'Rugs'. No one in his right mind would expect to see 'Rug'. 'Rug for sale' would be fine for a small ad, when a private seller wants to offload a rug, but on the front of a shop, 'Rugs' is fine and appropriate. We have, I think, covered singular and plural in relation to Carpet(s) and Vinyl(s) to a satisfactory degree already. With 'Laminate' entering the frame, I need to reassess things. Why does strawberry milkshake have visibly distinct white and pink elements? Mrs MWSC had a bit, and took the lid off to discover the two-part construction of this gloopy stuff. I suspected that the mixing process had not been completed before the goo was dispensed. Still, at least the mixture was not so cold and stiff that sucking on the straw was ineffective. Occasionally it does prove impossible to defy gravity and get a taste of milkshake when it has the consistency of Polycell filler.
I remain unhappy with the term 'laminates' to mean 'laminated flooring'. Nevertheless, I will accept that for quick reference, laminates gets the point across. That concession, though, does not give CarpetRIGHT the right to make it singular. The selection of Carpet, Vinyl, Laminate, Rugs, by the company owners and directors was a wrong move. CarpetRIGHT is not unused to misleading the public, though. The company is not alone in this, but it is certainly very guilty of using terms such as "Everything Must Go", yet it (ie. everything) never does!
To summarise some of the aforementioned topics, then, we can see that:
Storey Carpets gives extra mention of it selling carpets (plural)
Allied Carpets makes no such further reference
CarpetRIGHT gives extra mention of selling carpet (singular)
All three are consistent in references to rugs (plural)
Storey Carpets mentions vinyls, but the other two state vinyl (singular)
CarpetRIGHT gives extra mention of laminate (singular)
Allied Carpets gives extra mention of laminates (plural)
Storey Carpets may or may not sell it/them, as there's no mention
Allied Carpets is keen to promote woods (plural) which no other shop mentions
Storey Carpets adds beds to its range to muscle in on its neighbours' business
Bensons for Beds and BedShed keep things simple with no further inputs
All in all, this was, and still is, most inconsistent and unsatisfactory. I looked around and realised there were fewer people around than might be at an unpublicised Punch & Judy show in a Tamworth backstreet on a rainy November evening. Does anyone know how waterless urinals work? McDonald's seems to have installed them nationally, but I've not seen them as the default in other establishments. At face value, up to 100,000 litres of water per year saved is not to be sniffed at (unlike the urinals) but I am unhappy with this claim. That means the non-use of one litre every five minutes and fifteen seconds, all year, 24/7. Now, this level of water usage is hardly reasonable considering McDonald's restaurants are not open 24/7 and they are not destination places for those wanting a piss. Even though redesignating them as 'pissing stations' might be a good thing, and divert attention away from cold chips and pointless gherkins, I don't think the facilities are up to scratch. Two urinals and one cubicle is the standard arrangement, and yet the company has completely failed to understand the need for more space. The cubicle size is not sufficient at all, and the consumers are increasing their BMIs at an alarming rate. The next time I'm asked "Is that a large meal?" I'll say - "No, because I'll end up being a fat cunt whose need to shit or piss is not going to be met by your undersized bog, so until you make that a large bog, I will defer." Somehow I don't think such a comment will be seen as relevant by a youngster with a peaked cap and five spaces for gold stars.
To the right of the block of six shops was the seventh - Frank's. Underneath this large writing was the further line, stating: The Flooring Store. This approach was quite refreshing, because it used a general terms that suggested it may well sell lots of different things that go on floors. 'Flooring' could of course include Rugs, Laminate/Laminates/Laminated Flooring, Wood/Woods/Wooden Flooring, Vinyl/Vinyls, Carpet/Carpets and even floor tiles, in competition with Topps Tiles. I happened to know that ceramic tiles were not available at Frank's, but that was probably not going to disappoint too many shoppers, what with Topps Tiles being close at hand. There was no mention of Beds at all; just because a bed is a commodity that's hardly relevant to flooring, that's no reason to suppose one cannot buy a bed. Still, Storey Carpets did actually list beds, by way of supplementary signage, as one of its offerings, so in the absence of a note from Frank, I assumed 'The Flooring Store' would cover (sorry, again) stuff that goes on to a floor and not stuff that goes on to the stuff that goes on a floor [this comment of mine obviously excludes consideration of hammocks]. Despite the general term 'flooring' being used, which should have put Frank's in a strong position, it managed to undermine itself with the next line, the company's catchphrase - "I love carpets, me!" I felt disappointed for Frank, but then revised my emotional input to being annoyed with him for being stupid. Obviously the love of carpets showed me some passion for retail on the carpet front, but whilst technically it did not actually confirm exclusion of other items, it did suggest a predominance of carpet. I did consider that the sign was probably a fair bit more inviting than the old style shops, that stated "Frank's Factory Flooring", which was hardly painting the right sort of picture. I have no idea what sort of flooring prevails in a factory, but it would hardly be appropriate for a bedroom.
I think the winner has to be Bensons for Beds. This simple company name includes the original family name together with a descriptor. Taken at face value, we are left in no doubt as to the nature of the store. Cyril Benson's general store opened in 1950 and he gave his name to the more specific bed business in 1972. There are no extra signs stating 'Beds, Beds' and so no overdoing it like Topps Tiles (Tiles, Tiles). However, upon my return from the retail park, and while typing the above, I have discovered a major twist. In 2011, there was a 'relaunch' of the Bensons for Beds business, as a merged one; the existing stores of Bensons for Beds were joined by others under the names of Sleepmasters, and BedShed. That's right - the Bensons for Beds store to the left of Storey Carepts and the BedShed store to the right of Storey Carpets are in effect the same company! What an absolute cheat. The 290+ stores under the Bensons for Beds name are allowing us all to think that the 14 shops under the BedShed name are in competition.
Generally, I prefer extra ketchup to be provided in either sachets or better still, sealed pots. This means no likelihood of spillage on the way to your car or when you're in it. The prevalence now of dispensers for red and brown sauces, and small open-topped circular containers does nothing to reassure any parent that there won't soon be, throught the actions of himself/herself or an offspring, a big dollop of gunge applied to a dashboard, or a red smear like the blade of a machete garnishing the back of a car seat. Use of sealed pots and the non-existence of a dispenser inside the McDonald's premises would also remove the undoubted health risk. Mrs MWSC observed a small kid smearing her dirty fingers where they shouldn't go, and a cunt of a dad watching her without any rebuke at all.
There were, in my opinion on the day, seven shops, but as I later established, really only six retailers. With news that Bensons for Beds was part of Steinhoff International, and an operating division of Homestyle Operations Ltd, and that BedShed was incorporated within this mess, I learnt something about beds - well, more specifically, bed sellers. Out of curiosity, I have just checked on the status of Allied Carpets, what with all the jiggery pokery at Bensons for Beds. It started in the 1950s and in the early 1980s added curtains and soft furnishings to its products. I was able to learn from its website that beds were in fact added in 1984, although not with sufficiently strong slats, you'll recall. The rebrand in 1985 (when ASDA sold it) was followed by another at the end of the 1980s when it became Allied Maple Group Ltd. In 1993 Carpetland bought it, and changed everything to the Allied Carpets name (again) before it was acquired at the end of the 1990s by Tapis Saint-Maclou, a French company. These days, it trades as Allied Carpets although it's actually Allied Floors Ltd. Anyway, it doesn't secretly own Storey Carpets or have any interest in Frank. Storey Carpets got up and running in the 1920s. The website seems to portray it as a self-contained brand, although a click to Terms & Conditions reveals a link to Carpetright PLC.
Sure enough, a click on the CarpetRIGHT website shows it is in fact the owner of the Storey Carpets business. I also discovered that the group (started in 1988) acquired the Sleepright business in 2008, and that in 155 CarpetRIGHT stores, beds are sold! Now, seeing as the shop in question had supplementary signage stating Carpet, Vinyl, Laminate, Rugs, I dare say that there were no beds in this one. So, there were in fact 5 different retailers operating the seven shops opposite McDonald's.
I quickly checked on Frank, and he's been consistent since the business got going in 1996. However, I know that two stores now do bedding, and there's a claim that 'Frank's the Bedstore' is up and running!
Mrs MWSC threw the rubbish in the bin, and we left the parking area. I noticed a very large Go Outdoors store before leaving the vicinity. There were loads of signs for "Go Just-About-Everything". Go Camping, Go Walking, Go Running etc. I think I would have liked to see 'Go Mooching', 'Go Pottering' and 'Go Galumphing' on the list.
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