As for the maths, nothing is adding up for me. Simon Cowell, already ahead of the "one more than necessary" Louis Walsh, managed to break his own record. In response to Ant & Dec posing the searching question: "Has this series of Britain's Got Talent done the country proud?" he came out with - "One hundred million percent yes."
Chica Latina
We started off with a Margarita Pracatan impersonator - yesr, the hairdresser who can't sing. The idiots on the panel put her through to this semi-final, and thus sujected her to a piss-take. I am quite sure she is a lovely lady, but this isn't BGALL is it? As her warbling came to a close, I sat on the sofa and said: "What a way to open the show - go on, say it!" David Walliams was forst to comment: "What an incredible start to the show." Alesha came out with: "It was a great start to the show." Simon topped it all with the second best quote of the night: "There is a wild card spot, so there is a chance I will give you one." What started to confuse me on this night of international performers was Simon's comments on Chica's nationality, with: "You're a British Colombian Jennifer Lopez, aren't you." This is NOT to be confused with a British Columbian Jennifer Lopez, who would of course have struggled along in broken English with a western Canadian accent, or possibly broken French! [Question: why isn't she on X-Factor over 25s rather than BGT?]
Malakai
Credit to him, credit to his mum, and a good kid. Too early though for him to hold his own, and whether he's a great kid or not, it was not a good performance, and he displayed vocal fidgeting, or is that more correctly (what with tags and shit these days) vocal ADHD. It wasn't good, but it's not like he hasn't got time to practise a bit.
Brynolf & Ljung
Any twat who thinks this is a British act is worthy of a tap on the head with a sledge hammer. They were of course Swedish, in keeping with the Britain's Got International Talent theme. They were very good, again. I cannot seem to shake the more catchy "Bang & Olufsen" from my mind.
Gatis Kandis
What can I say? This guy is indeed so peculiar, and awful - yet intriguing as fuck! I almost expect Sacha Baron Cohen to be watching avidly, so he can base his next character on Gatis. I forgive Latvia for getting in on the act.
The Sugar Dandies
I am sure one's Americcan, and the other is something else . . . no joke being made there. Lovely blokes, but it's not about that. The performance was lame.
Nu Sxool
I find it fucking infuriating when spelling is willfully and purposefully skewed. These kids should fucking know better - or should that be "No Better" then? Nu is the Greek 'N' not that any of them would know that. Sxool is the thick cunt for School. Anyway, the introduction by Ant & Dec was: "Next up are a dance crew." It seems these two thickos have done quite well for themselves, despite oozing poor grammar. Walliams had earlier said: "The nation have heard . . ." so he's a twat on that front as well. This tribe included kids who were (in some cases) quite cute, and most were hyper-enthusiastic. On the dancing side, they were no more than okay, though one blond-haired older kid did a few tricks. Sorry, people, but it was a fairly boring dance act with boring formulaic music. The OTT comments from the judges were misplaced, because they did nothing more than some of the other dance outfits this year; maybe it's the 'school theme' that's carrying them along a bit. As for Alesha saying: "This is what kids should be doing" I disagree - they should be doing their fucking homework.
Sam Kelly
After being shown by Lennox Lewis how to use a skipping rope in the ad break, I settled down to listen to Sam, who sang really well. So, the "lazy man's X-Factor" might turn out to be his platform for success. [Question: why isn't he on X-Factor rather than BGT?]
Beatrix Von Bourbon
This woman is well travelled, and has not only been all over Europe, she's been tattooed en route. The performance was very weak. Amanda Holden came out with the best quote of the night, with: "I love the purple muff."
Be Minor
Pretty, good and pretty good. I am not quite sure they're good enough (yet) to get all the limelight and get into the final. No doubt they'll turn up again - probably on the X-Factor, in the Louis Walsh category - this either means in three years, when he's got "The Groups" again, or as individuals in thirteen years time when he's got the "Over 25s".
Labrinth
I am not sure why this act was performing in the second part of the show, and whilst he got applause from the judges, they didn't actually comment. He seemed a nice chap, but the song he sang was diabolical. Really, I don't know how he got put through. The song was called "Express Yourself" and so I will - "That was shit, man!"
THE RESULTS
Bye, Gatis. I wish you well. I know I couldn't turn up in Latvia, and find a way to speak the language, let alone gain a perspective on humour and do stand-up. So, we have going through to the final a singer and a dance act - surprise, surprise. That's not to say Sam Kelly isn't good. As for third place Malakai, he was not very good, so was Alesha voting for him a supposed act of kindness to soften the blow later, or is she a nob? He was below par, but he's nine-fucking-years-old. Emotionally, he had no business being put through that and we could all see his downfall coming. Glad that Labrinth didn't get through, though!
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