and another thing . . .
Michelin - in the UK it is pronounced 'Mitchelin' and not fucking 'Mee-shell-ann". These cuntin' cookery crackpots insist on being poncy as fuck with this forced buggering-up of a straightforward word. Try going into Kwik-Fit and asking for a new set of 'Mee-shell-ann' tyres and you're likely to get lumped with a socket wrench by a tattooed bloke who thinks you're chatting him up and want a fuck! It's the same fucking entity; Michelin in the UK was 'Mitchelin' until the obsession in this country with cooking programmes, and the introduction of narrators who try to spice up the language, and the intonation, and in effect audition for a spot on a new M&S advert. While I'm at it, any cunt who thinks he's clever saying 'om-argj' for 'homage' is a pretentious twat.
and another thing . . .
(Q) What language do penguins speak? (A) Fin-nish This shitty 'joke' on the wrapper of a penguin biscuit was not funny, nor was it properly researched. The first point I'll make is that the biscuit tasted awful. The second is that the supposed joke links the bird with a country near the North Pole, to try and be clever. A shame then that Penguins are not found anywhere near Finland at all. They are in the Southern Hemisphere, although the northern Galapagos islands have a small number. So, linking Finland with penguins is flawed as fuck! I would also challenge the idea that 'fin' is a reasonable link anyway, as penguins cannot all be said to have fins. Apparently it's claimed that Emperor penguins have small one hidden below their wings, but this is hardly well known, nor is it a visible trait or at all representative of the anatomy for penguins generally. So, McVitie's, sort it out! While you're having a scout around ahead of withdrawing all offending wrappers, make sure there are no others that suggest "Pole-ish" as the answer, please.
and another thing . . .
Twins On Board - this was the useless sign displayed in the rear window of a car I followed recently. Inside the car was a woman driving and a kid in the back. I was instantly annoyed by what was most likely misrepresentation. Obvious it was not a completely clear-cut case, because in theory, the woman driving could have been one of twins, whilst the girl in the back could have been one of twins herself. However, I felt that this level of benevolence on my part would be ludicrous, and that the driver was more probably ferrying around one of her spoilt brats. If the car were unlucky enough to be rammed by a juggernaut driven by someone who didn't see the sign and as a result felt free to plough into the back of the Renault Scenic (why wouldn't he, without proper reason to avoid a particular vehicle?) then the emergency services and/or the undertakers would not realise they could stop looking for remains after finding the first squashed child. Hopefully a medic could establish that the mother was not the other twin - unless very severe squashing had occurred. Even then, the fact that one was in the driving seat and one was behind should mean the thickest investigator would realise they were likely to be a few years apart. So, the use of the sign was wrong, and it was not only sending out the wrong information to me, it would mislead others in other circumstances. The mother should of course have dispensed with all signage, because who gives a fuck who's in a car? If she is adamant that there must be a display, then she should invest in multiple signs and swap them over when appropriate. I suspect she feels safer with some sort of sign, because without announcing 'child on board' or something similar, we all know that she will be the target of murderous drivers who can't wait to feign ignorance and ram her off the road!
and another thing . . .
The official 'Take Me Out' Flirting App has been released. What the fuck? What a dire, dreadful planet we live on, when a pathetic piece of software is produced to encourage pointless behaviours and random shagging, and what's worse, on the back of a shit programme like 'Take Me Out', which should be renamed (and the show reformatted in accordance with the name and intended outcome) 'Take Me Out and Shoot Me'.
and another thing . . .
£10billion for the IMF - I thought we were skint? Somehow, George Osbourne managed to find this amount to give to the IMF for a Euro bailout (and we're not in the fucking Euro!) the other week. Where did he find that? I must start looking through the pockets of my various trousers, and see if I'm that lucky.
and another thing . . .
Putting People First - a commendable notion, I'm sure you would agree. However, the positioning of this phrase after "Cleveland Police" is NOT what I want to see. The police forces of this country should be doing rather more than 'putting people first'. I want them to catch thieving cunts, lock up offenders, and concentrate on stopping crime. I want others in society to put people first, people who are paid to do so, like those in charitable organisations, those whose careers are in the service industry, tourism, social services, even lollipop people. But NOT the police. 'People' would of course include the cunts they are trying to catch! I suggest that there would be more respect for a police force with a rather more targeted and appropriate strapline, if there's insistence on having one; how about Cleveland Police - Catching Cunting Criminals.
and another thing . . .
Knife Crime - if there are now 40 robberies per day carried out at knifepoint in the UK, and the so-called "knife culture" is a growing problem, why the fuck don't we arm the police? Go to Spain or Italy and weild a knife, and a copper will shoot you. That's what the UK needs, some fucking balls and a will to put some real fear and a deterrent in place. This country is fucked, and has no ability to do anything. It seems impossible for Her Majesty's Government to control crime, to deport lunatics, foreign criminals, political activists or illegal immigrants, or to stop anyone (worldwide) from abusing the systems. In fact, claiming to have 'systems' is laughable really. Until the UK starts to control its own destiny and show some balls, we'll forever be reading about how some tosser of a judge has sided with a cunt and we are paying millions to try and beat a loophole. Mad.
and another thing . . .
Strikes - they should be banned. Many years ago there was perhaps a basis for collective bargaining and unions to support all workers. These days, we rarely see issues where people's lives are put in danger by unscrupulous employers, and there are measures in place for workers to get a set minimum wage. We now find ourselves in a challenging position, with the economy struggling and jobs at risk. So, you'd think that striking to try and retain perks and benefits that are totally wrong and out of touch with reality would be inappropriate. Yet, we see the threat of strikes all the time. The country is skint, and some are bickering about pensions which are many times better than the arrangements in place for most people. As for striking or threatening to strike and disrupt everything, I believe it should be outlawed in many more professions than the few that are already not allowed to entertain strike action. If the Police cannot strike, why the hell should teachers be allowed to strike? Get real, and realise that whatever the challenges in your profession, you are still pretty much guaranteed a job for life, and unbelievable perks. Train drivers? Same applies; disruptive fuckers have the ability to lose the country (whether businesses, individuals or the government) many millions of pounds, and that is undemocratic!
and another thing . . .
Fucking cheek, Asda! I shopped last week and after loading the boot, found myself ready to put the trolley back in one of the trolley parks. I looked around and was flabbergasted. I was exactly in the middle of the large car park, and somehow two small shelters that were there the week before were nowhere to be seen. The fuckers in charge have tarmaced over the two bays which were previously the sites for some small covered drop-off points for trolleys. I suspect that the gain of two parking spaces was not the objective; rather, I believe there will have been a cut in the staff allocated to collect trolleys and put them by the store entrance, ready for new customers. This penny-pinching measure is disgraceful, mean and pathetic. If you think I will be returning the trolley to the front door for you, piss off. You've already taken the piss with the self-service approach on tills, and I'm not going to be doing more work for you. I give you notice now, Asda, that I will be abandoning my trolley once I've loaded my car from now on. Fuckin' 'ave it!
and another thing . . .
Can I get a rebate please? I am not happy that the BBC has spent £24million on The Voice, or as I refer to it, The Farce. Can the cunt in charge please let me know when I'll get my discount voucher to use against the licence fee, based on my not watching this shit anymore. There is no call for paying so much money for so little, especially TomTom Drum and i.am.a.nikon, who as a pair are less impressive than a jelly mould!
and finally . . .
HTC adverts - can someone please sort the problem asap? The letter 'H' is spelt aitch and so there is NO fucking 'H' at the beginning. That mean it should be pronounced like the letter 'A' but with 'tch' after it. In fact, pronounced similar to 'eight' - the IQ of the nobs from HTC who have sanctioned an advert with the mispronounced first letter of the product. They are not alone, unless the same people were responsible for the HMV adverts (before the demise of that company). H is the 8th letter of the alphabet. 'Aytch is the eighth letter of the alphabet.' Will that help any heavy breathers to remember?
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