14.5.12 The Loudest Voice UK

Well, after yesterday's crappy programme, it's hard to summon up much energy with a report on the results some six hours ago.  It is quite clear to most observers that The Voice UK has slipped below the level of 'acceptable' as proper entertainment, and that Britain's Got Talent has been so much more impressive.  Whilst I am struggling a bit to get my head around a dog winning, it's fair to say that the level of interest in the BGT output was good.  The Voice, however, has been dire.

What the fuck are Will.der.beest and co taking before each show to make the judges act like idiots and say such pathetic things?  Tom Jones seems unable to say anything more than "It's gonna be tough" and sits there like a fat toad.  Prompted by Hollery in the first few minutes, Will managed to talk drivel, with: "I want to look at it differently; now I have ten people who I can add to my crew of colaborations."  This Power Ranger is seriously on something.

The recap of the Saturday programme allowed us to hear a few one-liners, and for Tom to name-drop as usual.

"Muhammad Ali is one of the few people I haven't sung with - but I know him well."

Jaz came out with a comment that I suspect was meant to be complementary, and seeing as these days people say things are 'sick' to mean 'good', I'm sure he did not mean this literally (although the literal interpretation is perfect to describe the bollocks served up to us).

"Singing with Will was just ridiculous."

The public (well, the 230 people who could be fucked to vote) put Ruth through on Team Delilah.  We left Tom to stew for a few minutes over how tough it was all going to be regarding choosing one of the three left to be saved and join Ruth.  Reggie Yates (simply because he needed something to do) introduced the Scissor Sisters, which included of course Enema Tronic, who helped Jessie in earlier programmes with voice coaching.  For three minutes, we had a noise to put up with (it was not very good) and pictures of Danny I'Need a Poo gurning like mad, and seat dancing.

Jaz got put through by the public, although his wailing on Saturday was seriously awful.  He's got a good voice, but decided to try much too hard and whilst he looked to be in pain while he sang the lyrics, it more painful to have to listen to it.  Holly then prompts Will.o'the.wisp to talk shit, and she uses the words "Life changing" for the fourth time so far.

Reggie was able to waste two minutes asking pointless questions of the six contestants awaiting their fates, and the phrases that washed over me included: "I've got so much more to give," and "I don't want it to end," and "Step it up," plus, of course, 17 uses of the word "amazing".

Tom tells us that Adam's done everything he's asked of him and more, and then says that so have Matt & Sueleen.  Then, he said: "And Leanne . . . . . . with that voice."  Tom, your powers of speech and awareness are amazing.

I decide to myself that Adam's teeth are significant and numerous, and then announce to Mrs MWSC: "You could crinkle chips with those teeth."

Tom puts Leanne through, and Holly hollers like buggery, prompting me to consider that it's not Leanne with the 'big voice' but Hollery, who could stand in Dover and be heard shouting by the Harbour Master in Calais.  Next Danny's mob decide to sing together, and the nauseating Dunnie manages to clap his hands and rabbit-punch the air, whilst looking like a pigeon with his nodding head.

Will.e.wonka came out with: "You knocked it out the box" when addressing Frances, and then before announcing who was going through, talked some more shit, using the word 'So' as the lead in, which is a regular approach he adopts.

"So, we've learned a lot together and had a whole bunch of fun."

I wished to myself that he would stop abusing the English language, and waited for him to put Tyler through, because he was always going to pick the guy with the high voice.

The Saturday programme was shite, and the results programme on Sunday was even worse.  The quality of The Voice is somewhere between Bargain Hunt and 60 Minute Makeover.  I fear for the sanity of the UK population, and we are all in danger until we can rid oursleves of this tosh.  In the meantime, I propose to petition my MP to force the immediate deportation of Will to Mars and Danny to Dublin.  I will also suggest that Tom find some green, green grass, preferably just north-east of Aberystwyth.  Finally, I think Jessie ought to have a break in Southend, maybe get her nails done, and ponder on why she got involved at all with The Voice.  All of them ought to take a hard look at themselves, and ask why they are collectively and individually so unable to tell the truth on this show!

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