The contestants have to prepare food for a banquet in a few weeks, and the whole basis of the competition is for chefs to come up with something innovative - hence the constant questions from any fucker with a working voicebox - "But is it ground breaking enough for our Olympians?" and "Does it push the boundaries, though?"
Ordinarily I'd have saved some quotes for the May edition of "Quote of the Month" but instead, I am recording these details in an individual post, because the programme is so regimented, full of bollocks, and fruitful on the quote front. The chefs all piss about and use ingredients that cost a fortune, to get marks Mon-Thu, and a chance to be one of the two cooking on Friday for the judges to pick a winner.
In April I recorded a few quotes, some for grammatical reasons, some for daftness, and they included the following:
"I want you to show us who you are as a human being." - Judge Oliver Peyton
"The combination of ingredients just don't work." - Judge Oliver Peyton
"Are you confident the mix of bold flavours are working" - Guest Chef Judge
"Once I've got it all prepted, I can concentrate on the cooking" - Competitor
There have been more pathetic comments and quotes in the last few weeks, as well as a weird obsession by many chefs for "molecular cooking" which basically means pissing about with chemicals and making food into either a paste, a foam or a liquid for smearing, squirting or juggling with! All pretentious bollocks, and I am not keen on them making everything into astronaut food and being pleased with themselves for doing so.
"A long time veteran . . . . ." [stupid narrator]
"Ingredient-led food . . . . ." [stupid narrator]
"A seasoned professional . . . . ." [ho ho ho, narrator]
"A ravioli of quail . . . . ." [pretentious prats]
"Very tailor-made and quite unique." [I despair]
"It looks aesthetic on the eye." [Oh really? You dumb twat of a competitor]
"A professional competition winner." [stupid narrator]
Is this show ground breaking enough? No! Will this be good enough for our Olympians? Actually, it probably will be, because they are just people, and not Gods. Some of them do normal things, and eat normal things, so if the ingredients are fresh and they are cooked properly, they'll eat it. If I were an Olympic athlete, then I'd prefer some normal food cooked normally rather than a pretentious half-portion, which has been mauled for 5 minutes by multiple pairs of hands in a kitchen to try and paint a picture on a plate of Van Fuckin Gogh's face using food that's been turned into coloured paste, gravy for the hair, a carrot for the nose and a single rabbit's kidney for an ear. [When I say single rabbit's kidney, I mean just one kidney from a rabbit rather than a kidney from a rabbit which has yet to find a partner/mate/spouse] By the way, "Olympians" is a weird classification and it should be remembered that some of them will be people who shoot pellets and cap guns, arrows, and drugs - so feeding them should be much of a challenge. Others will sit in a small sailing boat, and a few will compete in other pastimes which are hardly 'sports' let alone 'Olympic Sports'.
I vote for the deconstructed cod - ie. fish fingers. Two of them in a V-sign on the plate, on a bed of five onion rings in the shape of the Olympic logo. Fries with Ketchup on the side.
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