There was a lift to Englands hopes yesterday of progress in the Euro Championships, after it was announced that Gareth Barry is not fit to participate. His groin issues mean he will be replaced by Phil Jagielka; to be honest, anyone replacing GB would have a net positive effect.
Shoe
How does it happen that a large black shoe finds its way to the middle of the northbound A19? Driving along, I was recently puzzled by the shoe over which I drove. It was a slip-on, probably size 11 or 12, and it had no business being in the middle of the left-hand lane of a duel carriageway. Surely the owner must be annoyed, and how did he come to lose it? I fear I'll never know.
Fatties
I am fed up (not as much as the fucking culprits, obviously) of really, really fat people causing so much grief and expense for everyone, through their eating habits and obesity. In the last week, we've read about two fatties who have required input by an army, to get them into care. Stories of how 15 people have to work together to get a fat fuck to hospital is not what I want to read about. Spending hundreds of thousands of pounds ferrying whales around the UK is not quite realistic, whether in an economic climate that's dire, or in times of prosperity. Quite simply, if you eat yourself to the size of a Ford Escort, then no one should be obliged to escort you anywhere! "Live and Let Die" was the film and song, and I reckon it was and still is prophetic in its message.
Griff Rhys Jones
Please, please, BBC, can you stop giving this bloke things to do at our expense! I cannot be the only person alive bored the fucking death with his efforts to restore building, piss about in a boat, walk along old ramblers' walkways, try to be funny (when he most certainly is NOT) and generally be a 'has been'. Get it fucking sorted, and let him chew grass in a remote field!
Eurovision
Okay, forget the fact that the mix of countries now allowed to enter this competition means it's impossible for the UK to win it ever again. I don't give a shit about that, and who do we think we are in terms of believing we're entitled to a better than average chance? Unfortunately the UK does not form part of a 'group of nations'. Unlike the Finland / Iceland / Norway / Sweden / Denmark group, we have no countries with strong ties, and as for the countries in the Balkans (which were in recent times ripping each other to shreds) there's no history that would lend itself to those countries having any bias towards the UK. All of this aside, I have two questions: 1) Why does the UK provide so much funding that it is one of the 'big five' and gets automatic entry to the final? 2) Why did we choose such a shit song? I would withdraw as gracefully as possible from future events, if it were down to me. I would, if compelled to maintain a presence in the 'competition', make sure that we didn't come up with a song that suggests 1950s bollocks. Albania's mad wailing was indeed mad as fuck - but do you know what, it was more entertaining than 'The Hump' and it came 5th or 6th !!!
Student Raped
A student was 20p short of the £5.00 bus fare, and the driver refused to let her on board, or wait while she got some money from a cashpoint. With cunts like this in charge of buses, there's nothing that does less to promote British society! So, she was left stranded at 3am, 14 miles from home - wonderful show of humanity, eh!? She was raped shortly aftewards, on the outskirts of Nottingham. I am not blaming the driver for the rape, of course. But he acted like a cunt.
The Voice
Will.i.am has no business being on TV at all. He can't sing, talks utter gibberish, tweets rather than pays attention, and manages to get hold of an Olympic torch to run in a part of the UK that he's never visited before and of which he cannot even pronounc the name. Now we learn that he's already making plans for Jaz, his act that was ousted on Sunday. That's great; sod the public vote and official result - get started on work with the runner up on one team rather than pay attention to the guy he has got in the final. Then we have the fucking fiasco that was Cheryl Cole. Only in the UK could there be a show called "The Voice" on which the guest singer has to MIME !!! Irony is just not a good enough word to relay the atrocious cunting cheek of the BBC, and of Cheryl herself! This £24million dose of bollocks had better not come back next year. Sadly, some cunt will tweak it, and subject us to more dire torture next year. Bring back "The Vice" because it was so much better. By the way, Danny (O'Donoghue) - did you gurn and clap and nod and rabbit punch your way through Cheryl's wonderful live performance, or did you make a stand and refuse to condone miming as per the reports that I read that voiced (ha ha) your concern in advance? You clapped and gurned!
Freak Fish
An angler, Mark Sawyer, caught a fish that had the head of a roach, the body and tail of a goldfish, and a bream's fin. Apparently he said: "It's the result of mixed parentage." No fucking shit, Sherlock!
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