Russia is not in Europe, but part of Russia is apparently allowed to be counted as 'European', and the land area of that part of Russia is fractionally under 4 million square kilometres. At the other end of the scale, Malta has a land area of 316 square kilometres. So European Russia is 13,000 times bigger. I think that rather demonstrates the lunacy of votes and how this botched together remnant of a contest now limps along. I cannot even be bothered to make comparisons on populations. I am actually surprised that Northern Ireland, Wales, Scotland and England don't all compete separately, to maximise chances, if we are so stupid not to abstain altogether. Britain's participation is pointless and actually annoying as fuck.
Have a look at the table below, showing in simple terms the competitors and their 'qualification' for being included. Taking the widest definition of 'Europe', and making cross references with competitors and member of the European Union, I have come across some weird tolerances. Some countries are just being silly if they think they are European. Even in Wikipedia, I found a comment that stated two countries were most definitely in Asia, but "sociopolitically, they are European". What the fuck? Well, I like tapas but I'm not Spanish! I think mounted police are wonderful, but I am not Canadian! If penguins claim to have an affinity to the European way of life, will Antarctica be allowed entry so that some fisherman can sing a version of Ice Ice Baby?
| Countries Competing in Eurovision Song Contest | EU Member | In Europe Physically |
| Albania | ||
| Austria | ||
| Azerbaijan | Asia | |
| Belarus | ||
| Belgium | ||
| Bosnia & Herz. | ||
| Bulgaria | ||
| Croatia | Candidate | |
| Cyprus | Western Asia | |
| Denmark | ||
| Estonia | ||
| FYR Macedonia | Candidate | |
| Finland | ||
| France | ||
| Georgia | Asia | |
| Germany | ||
| Greece | ||
| Hungary | ||
| Iceland | Candidate | Nowhere else for it |
| Ireland | ||
| Israel | WTF | WTF |
| Italy | ||
| Latvia | ||
| Lithuania | ||
| Malta | ||
| Moldova | ||
| Montenegro | Candidate | |
| Norway | ||
| Portugal | ||
| Romania | ||
| Russia | Part Asia | |
| San Marino | ||
| Serbia | Candidate | |
| Slovakia | ||
| Slovenia | ||
| Spain | ||
| Sweden | ||
| Switzerland | ||
| The Netherlands | ||
| Turkey | Candidate | Part Asia & Middle East |
| Ukraine | ||
| United Kingdom | ||
| Countries Not Competing | EU Member | In Europe Physically |
| Czech Republic | ||
| Luxembourg | ||
| Poland | ||
| Andorra | ||
| Armenia | Western Asia | |
| Liechtenstein | ||
| Monaco | ||
| Vatican City |
Clearly 'green' is 'yes' and 'red' is 'no'. Some countries are candidates for joining the EU. Poland, Luxembourg and the Czech Republic have shown some sense by not competing in this year's contest. In contrast, a number of countries with no basis for being included are competing with zest. The biggest anomaly is of course Israel. This is nothing new, because its inclusion in the Eurovision Song Contest has for many years made a complete mockery of what 'Europe' is. I think 999 people in every thousand would agree that Israel is in the Middle East and not in Europe. [The one in a thousand would be a delinquent]. It is perhaps the participation of Israel, a cuckoo in the nest, that paved the way for Asian countries to join in.
Above, there is a list of the 42 countries competing in Asia, to try and win the Eurovision crown and bring it back to Europe - unless of course it's won by another entrant of dubious geographic qualification. If we discount countries which are not members of the EU and which are not in Europe, then the real number of entrants should be 23. Yes, that's right, there are 19 interlopers! If the three qualifiers who are not actually competing were to be included, then the actual number of proper European countries which would be contesting the Eurovision Song Contest would be 26. Fuck me, that happens to be exactly the number of countries that make it to the final in Baku - 26 nations competing for the title. BUT - the wrong 26 !!! How on earth does it make sense to have a competition that allows massive infiltration, is then forced to hold two semi-finals ahead of the big night, and ends up with the right number of participants for the final?
I did catch some of the Panorama programme on BBC1 this week, which explored the regime in Azerbaijan. It seems that there is very much wrong with the country. Not its people, I dare say - but the ruling family and the money that's seemingly (as ever) at the heart of some startling revelations. How the wider (well, wide as fucking hell) European community can embrace parts of Asia and by default endorse a corrupt regime is unbelievable.
Once this competition was quaint. old-fashioned, and tame. Then it became funny, and then it was a focus of attention for anyone gay for some reason. With Terry Wogan commentating, it was often amusing to watch, even though the performances were outlandish and dire, for the most part. The cynical voting, politics and biased approaches started a rapid decline in things, and left the competition devoid of any integrity at all. Emerging/new nations wanted to win it to show they'd 'arrived' and the word 'farce' became more accurate as a descriptive term, year by year. This is not the World Cup, nor is it the Olympics. It's a shite singing festival that costs a fortune, produces nothing of quality, and kills the planet as 10,000 people descend on the given venue, and camp out to report on events over the week.
I fully expect that parts of North Africa will join in again at some stage, as bordering the Mediterranean Sea is apparently a criterion for qualification [Morocco appeared once in the eighties!]. I wonder if Jersey or the Isle of Man might wave their own flags and, Crown Dependencies or not, demand representation? Surely there are some tambourines in a the store cupboard of a disused primary school that could be put to use, and a maypole as a focal point for locals to practise? Will Vatican City State join in one day? This would cause issues because Roman Catholics might be in a dilemma - vote for shit music, or religious stuff. What about states that want independence, and international recognition. These provinces with their own flags and cultures will want a vote and a place on the list for Eurovision in due course.
I know that the technical means for qualification is membership of the European Broadcasting Union, and not strictly to do with Europe, the Euro or the European Union. However, the competition was invented by the Swiss (who staged in Lugano the first competition in 1956 between just seven countries) when Switzerland isn't in the EU. It's all fucking bollocks.
What a mess.
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