Tom Jones is a master at stating the cunting obvious, and adds nothing more than a odd one-liners that make him seem a tosser. Hmmm . . . .
In the paper the other day, I read with no interest at all that: "Sir Tom swapped the Green Green Grass for plastic turf as he treated his team to a day out playing crazy golf. The chart legend took them for a morale-boosting treat at a mini-golf course near the studios." Well, if that's a "treat" then I never want one.
Leanne - Team Tombola
Morgan Freeman
Leanne 'Put A Spell on Me" all right - I'm fucked for life having heard that wailing shite! I have heard more tuneful cuntin' car alarms.
"You just cast a spell on the whole audience," said (she'd already hollered like fuck with the introduction) Hollery Willoughby. Yep, Holly, you are right: I am a deaf hobgoblin thanks to that bollocks!
Will, dressed in his Joe 90 or Captain Scarlet suit, talked shit. Jessie lied like fuck, saying it was Leanne's "best performance". Huh.
Frances - Team Will
Her mum and dad have been handing out leaftlets all week, asking people in Wakefield to vote for Frances. Fuck off, will you! This is not about one town versus another; where you live is irrelevant. The fact that she cannot sing means that we are all wasting our lives while she's on screen murdering a song. "You've Got To Show Me Love", she wailed. No, luv, I'd like to show you the door, pronto. This is dire karaoke at the back-end of a works party, where she'd be better employed sitting on a photocopier - although that's debatable. Hollery Wobbly bellowed and blew smoke up Frances's arse.
Will = "You held it down. Awesome." TWAT.
Jessie = "I'd have liked to have heard it higher. You made a really good job of making that current, now." (??)
Tom = "She's the Princess Leah." Twat.
Danny = The arsehole who makes Louis Walsh seem brilliant. Whatever he said, it was of less value than my last swig of Strongbow.
Matt & Sueleen - Team Tom Thumb
I like these two - mainly because they do not fit the mould of the formulaic shit the CIC have decided to feed us for tea-time on Saturdays! I will vote for them (well, actually, I waste not a penny on this programme) because they are different.
Tom = "I wouldn't have been brave enough to try harmonies like that."
Danny = "Some of the harmonies were a little bit off." Yeah - like yours!
Will = "I don't know whose idea it was to sit on a park bench but it looked amazing." Hmmm . . . so it's got fuck all to do with the voice, then, Will?
Jessie = "It was refreshing, but . . . . ." and then she talked liquid shit.
Joelle - Team Will
Run of the mill, or what? Wail, shout, bleat and scream. Mrs MWSC chips in with: "The good thing about this programmes is that even tough there are no breaks, you can piss off to the toilet without any fear of missing anything." So true!
Will - "I'm taking this real serious." [illiterate twat] He then went off on one, talking more incoherently than a slug with false teeth!
Jessie = "I feel like the performance, like, like, let it go more, like. I can't wait to see more."
Tom = "She reminded me of Mohammed Ali." [Wanker]
Danny = "It was a little shakey to start off with." No Danny, it was shakey all the way through!
Reggie Yates
He proved, with his searching questions, and informed comments, that he has 0.23% more ability and worth than Carmen Electra from BGT. That doesn't say much, does it?
Ruth - Team Tom
Tom Jones
She pronounced some of the words in a weird way, but whatever - she's got more ability than the others, so I'll go with it. Took a risk in making it her own - there, I got in first with that - and got great applause.
Tom = "She's got something I've never heard before."
Will = "You sing incredible, right. You don't need explosions." The Power Ranger showed he is odd.
Jessie = "Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like."
Danny = "To be sure."
Tyler - Team Will
He's got "Jedward" hair, and I'm pissed off with his sob story and all the stuff about Amy Winehouse. Will, of course, has his own hair issues, what with the topiery which is particularly noticeable at the parting. This guy (Tyler) is desperately average. Will is of course desperately 'odd' as fuck. Tyler warbled with about 9% od the talent of Terence Trent Derby, who was a nuisance in the eighties, yet put's Tyler to shame. I think someone's castrated him during the week, and he's a bit higher than a kite.
Power Ranger Will = "Hanging witchoooo, . . . . . shit, . . . cool, country, . . ."
Jessie = Nothing of value
Tom = "Your falsetto is as strong as your full voice." Yep, awful to listen to.
Danny = "I didn't hear any pitching issues at all." Deaf twat!
Adam - Team TomTittiTomTittiTomTomDaDaDa
Singing "High and Dry" for your votes, it's Adam - thanks, Hollerbobbly, for the lead into what was weaker than a cotton filament.
Judges: Seeing as Mrs MWSC cut her finger and I had to apply a plaster, I missed all of the judges' comments. Somehow think I missed very little.
Jaz - Team Will
Will = "So, I'm gonna speak from my heart, and my mom is a single mom and I wish . . . . . somewhere, over the rainbow . . . . . bollocks comments lie."
Jessie = "You made it your own."
Tom = "It's plain to see that he has someone in mind, but he did it to the whole audience . . . wrapped up, audience pleaser, smoke, mirrors, Welsh, The Mumbles, Cardiff, Aberystwyth, Gavin & Stacey."
Danny = "Uhh."
Reggie Yates
What purpose does this bloke serve? "You made everyone cry" he siad to Jaz. I was in tears, in pain, with earache. He wailed and wobbled the notes so much it proved he was desperately trying to be good, but failed. It is possible to try too hard, and overdo something.
The Recap
Leanne - Noisy earache!
Frances - Can't sing!
Matt & Suleen - Mildly insignificant but not traumatic!
Joelle - No, No, No
Ruth - You're okay
Tyler - Can I kick you in the nuts again?
Adam - Middle of the road
Jaz - Roadkill warbling like fuck!
Mini Golf Video Feature & The Team Performance
Give me some paracetamol and a Smirnoff!
Morgan, sorry 'Tom', can you do anything else other than your usual stuff which was never much good. I reckon Man City suporters could manage a better sing-song tomorrow, if they win!
Will's House & Studio Visit
Shoot me, NOW!
Sorry, Will, but you're a nob. Jamie Oliver turns up and lisps. As for the singing - Tyler, that was self-indulgent shit. Jaz - don't believe the press, because you really can be shit and fuck it up, even if your voice is good. Will, you are SO untalented. This is bollocks. I feel like grabbing a bag of Rowntree's sweets because there's something in it that's worth attention. This shit is SHIT.
The Farce is over!
...
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