Dermot arrived on stage, thinking he was James Bond. More 'Basildon Bond'. Olly Murs, Demi Lovato, Sam Smith and One Direction were announced as on the line-up for the night. Then, amazingly the four judges signalled to us included Mel B.
I read this morning that Mel had a mystery illness, and was in extreme agony because of a stomach ulcer. She left Andrea to fend for himself, taking on the two other contestants, the psycho Syco corporation, ITV, sound technicians, anti-Italians and MI5, the Witches of Eastwick and a load of others. The smiling (but still threateningly ugly) Mel suggested she'd been hooked to last night's show and was frantically texting. These are the actions prescribed by emergency doctors for patients suffering acute pain from a suspected ulcer, and being 'near death'. Were it not for the quick-thinking taxi driver, "she could have died" claimed a 'friend'. It seems she was lucky enough to flag down Fred Housego rather than the dim smiling one one driving a cab - star of the "Educating Joey Essex" show. Disgraceful, Mel; go away!
Lie of the Night Number 1
Dermot O'Really? to Mel B - "We missed you last night."
The next few minutes was taken up by all the has-beens, and I was unnecessarily reminded of many who should instead be in a vault somewhere. The two finalists were also in the mix, confirming that they are no fucking better than the average of this cacophony. "What A Feeling," they all sang. Yes, "Nausea" most certainly.
"What a hum-dinger of a show we had last night," said Dermot. It certainly hummed all right; it was shit! He was leading up to yet another recap, and "the story of last night". Fucking disgraceful. We are being served two fucking hours of low level television so that we can find out which of the two remaining acts is going to be called the winner.
Olly Murs and Demi Lovato arrived to pad out the show just a bit more, and what a waste of three minutes! What a wailing cunting racket, especially from her! I'd get more entertainment watching a demijohn.
Dermot O'Dreary asked the judges for their highlights of the series -
Elf - "Fleur last week with Labrinth and Ben last night with Ed. That was simply because his memory is now so short term that he cannot remember past last night.
Sicknote couldn't think of one.
Cheryl Psychotic Amoeba - "There's been a lot of highlights, but getting to know this one," and at this point she joined a lifted hand with Sicknote . . . and I was sick.
Simon - "Fleur singing last night." Yawn.
Ben Haenow
After THIRTY THREE MINUTES of this two-hour chunk of shit, it seemed that the actual contest was going to move on with a song by one of the two loafing about in the wings. "Man In The Mirror" was rasped out and shouted at me by a twat wearing the same jacket that he sleeps in. An awful song, screeched like fuck. Twenty bods appeared on the stage to help him out for the last bit. The word "Change" appeared on the backing screen, and someone should have added "channel".
Elf - the usual crap slipped out of his mouth. This is supposed to refer to Louis, but in actual fact it's just as accurate a contribution for a critique of Ben!
Mel B [aka Sicknote] - "I started off in this competition not too sure about you."
Lie of the Night Number 348
Sicknote continued - "Then you became the artist and the superstar that you are. That was a job well bloody done."
Cheryl Icelandic Volcano - "Ben, I wouldn't change a thing about you right now. I applaud you for the courage to follow your dream, and I encourage you to do it." Twat.
Simon - "You just killed that song". MURDERED more like, and fucking dumped in acid, via my fucking ears!
Fleur East
Elf - "You can sing, you danced, blah blah."
Sicknote - "What can i say you just came out hear and killed it tonight, killed it."
Cheryl PlusPostage-AndPacking - "Your whole 10 yares of passion are explod'n on that stage tonight." The "Pet" at the end was implied.
One Dimension
The 1D bods doled out some noise alongside Ronnie Woods, asking "Where do broken hearts go?" Fuck knows, and who cares?
Ben
"Vote Ben," said Elf.
Sicknote - "I do truly think that that song was made for you. You pulled it back and then you put it out there." What tosh.
Cheryl NoWayIs-SheWorthIt - Ben, Ben, whatever happens tonight you chased your dream."
Simon did a This Is Your Life recap.
Fleur
She confirmed that her range is limited, and that without some rapping, songs can be a bit limp when she sings them.
"Vote Fleur," said Elf.
Mel talked complete crap.
Cheryl TheCountdown-Conundrum - "You are in the final of X-Factor." Thanks, Tweedy.
Simon - "I really wish I could give the prize to both of you."
Sarah-Jane Crawford was again invited by ITV to 'interview' (and I use that word more loosely than a slipknot) people screaming.
A welcome relief arrived by way of the 17th advert break, and a lull in the sob stories, the whining, the wailing and the OTT use of the word "amazing". "They have sang there hearts out this weekend," said Dermot So'Ungrammatically. They HAVE SUNG or they SANG, Dilbert O'Dear Me!
Despite his having appeared already, a few weeks ago, someone thought it necessary to have Sam Smith back for a second helping. Ice cream, yes. Custard, yes. Sam Smith, NO! He sang Stay With Me, and moaned his way from one end of the song through to the end. It had a great impact on me, as I now fancy . . . . some custard.
"Well that wasn't a very special song," said Mother of TMWSC, as thousands screamed.
"When I think about it, all this is crazy," she continued. "It's not fantastic."
Thanks, Mum, because you summed up so simply that all this fuss is so silly.
Result
Dermot felt the need for a quick check with SJC / CJD, who pointlessly contributed nothing in two ten second segments.
"The winner of X-Factor 2014 is . . . . . . . . . Ben"
"I don't think he's a fabulous singer, do you?"
A telling question from Mother of TMWSC
Sadly that's the last we will probably ever see of the Elf on X-Factor, as by next year he'll have lost the power of thought, speech, and be reliant on a carer. I hope sincerely that Cheryl RedLeicester-Caerphilly is told that she is NOT invited to participate in next year;'s competition at all. Mel B needs to go to a cave and hibernate for 27 years. Simon needs to rejig the whole X-Factor competition, as I am bored as fuck. Needless to say that I'll not be singing along, downloading or buying a hard version of anything X-Factor related.
Who got Simon's Mini?
...
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