Team Won't against Team Tom. Holly Willoughby managed to present us with a section of useless interaction with the four judges. The small talk was cringe-worthy. I thought for a minute that I was still watching Pointless Celebrities, and another chunk of my life was being wasted.
Reggie has been given ungainful employment, making useless comments and relaying other people's useless comments. Holly's first "over to Reggie" led us to his reading out of one tweet, and 10 seconds later it was "back to Holly" who managed a "Fantastic!" by way of response. All this led me to believe that I was in a parallel universe.
Joelle Moses
She wailed away, and then had a minor fit on stage, before giving us a final 15 seconds that was okay. Will was proud of her, but his other input was incoherent nonsense. This bloke seems to delight in wearing space suits with his initials on show, but really he could do with a rocket underneath him!
Sam Buttery
He was all over the place. A hard song to sing, but he didn't manage to nail it, despite the judges' comments. Is there some sort of fear on the part of the judges, because it would appear no one is allowed to say anything truthful. Holly is pissing me off; wailing like buggery.
Frances Wood
She should have stayed in her bedroom with the hairbrush. Holly was raucous as fuck, with her voice sounding like rocks and gravel in a tumble dryer. Will enlightened us about a 'Team Will Huddle'. Puddle would have been a better, because they should all have been cring in despair.
We then had a pointless input from Reggie. Why the cuntin' fuck do I have to listen to him read out to me shit that people have tweeted and messaged on Facebook? Fuck off!
Adam Isaac
This was awful. He made a noise, then stooped to talk into the microphone being held by Hollery Willoughby. The funniest line was from Jessie who said: "His jaw ain't chipped" when commenting on his performance despite his having chipped a bone in rehearsals.
Jaz Ellington
He's good of course. He can certainly sing better than Will by a long way. On that basis, Will's opinion is worthless.
Leanne Mitchell
A reasonable middle-of-the-road performance. However, as Mrs MWSC said: "Unfortunately that dress makes her look like a killer whale." I looked and agreed that Orca she indeed was, in black and white.
Reggie joined in with some bollocks on Twitter. Why, why, why?
Sophie Griffin
Weak or what! But in case you don't know, she's seventeen, and that excuses everything, because it's all about the age, as we established last week. I bet J Marie Copper is watching and thinking she was robbed.
Matt and Sueleen
Malt and Soreen were the night's novelty act, and I just don't know what to make of them. Holly hollered into Matt's right ear, and then went to the judges for comments. Will went off in his head but sadly included us in his meandering; the guy is away with the fairies.
Tyler James
I wondered if the man in the orange and brown space suit, and mustard gloves (?) had cracked Tyler's bollocks, to get him to sing this high. Will came out with some shit again. His stories are so completely shit. The falsetto voice was fitting, to go with the judges' inputs which tonight have been mainly false.
Ruth Brown
Phenomenal!
Will.i.reclaim.my.marbles.one day? What a nob. His little snippets of weirdness are so odd. Holly hollered us over to Reggie for some input. He read a few comments from the public, and earned about three pence - but will be paid substantially more, alas.
Holly, take a breath - about ten minutes long - and give me a break please, from that onslaught of gushing, smiling, wailing noise.
Do I want to spend 25p on a vote? No thanks. So, how much entertainment was there in tonight's 90 minutes of tosh? Three minutes, from Ruth Brown.
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