22.4.12 The Voice UK Battle Round

Oh dear!  It was mostly a lot of howling and wailing.  The show is completely misnamed, because it was billed with the phrase "It's all about the voice" when it was in fact better described with 'It's all about the judges".  Now that we have got past the well-intended 'someone singing but can't see who' stage, there's nothing special about this contest.

So, over two nights we have battles on stage, and we will cut the field down from 40 to 20.  Yesterday evening there were nine 'bouts' where we saw pairs in each judge's team face each other.  Now, when I was young, I was quite taken with the 'Duelling Banjos' music, which was featured in the film Deliverance (1972) and it is a classic.  Last night, there was nothing classic about the duelling.

Team wilting.i.am

I'm Every Woman was not a lot more than a shouting contest.  In fact, even Holly Willoughby managed a fairly hefty shout to introduce the noisy singers.  Joelle got through for no good reason; Will may as well have tossed a coin, or himself.

Team Dunna Poo

The angst, the pained expressions, the constipation, the person who is Danny.  He has clearly been coached by Louis Walsh because he managed to come up with the same phrase as the Elf himself.  "Guys, I'm going to have to go with my gut instinct . . . . . the person I want to take through, is . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Max!"

Team Tom

This Elvis song was performed by Sam and Aundrea (a name that makes me think of laundry) and the pronunciation was weird.  It was a bellowing contest, because as we all know, the louder you sing/scream, the better you are.  Yeah, right.  Will's eyes rolled, Danny looked in pain, and Tom himself seemed to be reminiscing about happier days in Toad Hall.  I turned to Mrs MWSC and said, "There must be a sink hole somewhere that needs filling."  Tom decided to keep Sam, so maybe Aundrea was destined for the hole?

Team Jessie

Kirsten and Toni tortured us with one of the worst songs of all time - Think.  It only ever worked once, when it first came out, and its durability was flimsy as fuck.  I expected Tom to come out with some nonsense about how he worked with and "Respect-ed" (or inspected?) Urethra Franklin.  The shit song was lauded by the judges who couldn't decide who to put through.  The woman from Total Recall (the bald-headed one, you know, when Arnie is disguised when going through security after landing on Mars) got through.

Team O'Danny Boy

Bo and Vince sang With or Without You, and I know I'd have chosen the latter (no, not Vince - 'Without You').  Vince nicked the slogan from the side of an M&S lorry, with his assertion that "There is no plan B".  Will managed to describe them as 'Superstars' which proved he was away with the fairies.  Dunny, with his hair like a centurion's helmet, came out with another line from his hero, Louis.  "I am basing this decision on who I think will go into the music business straight away and sell the most amount of records."  Now, apart from his inability to speak English ["most amount of records" is shocking] I am wondering whether it is allowed for judges to keep moving the goalposts; earlier he said he was going with his gut instinct.  Is his next decision going to be based on whether Uranus and Venus are in line with Dublin while a competitor is wailing the loudest?  Bo won, and went off stage to be hugged by her servants, and put on a Cardigan.  [Well done if you get that.]

Team wally.i.am.a

This duel was truly fucking shit.  Everyone who had been on the programme up to this point had done better than either of these two.  Tyler went through.  All I remember is pain, and Will saying "prolly" instead of "probably".  "Yeah 3x" by Chris Brown was the Song but as Amy said about rehab, it was more like "No, No, No" in my book.

Team Jessie

Vince and Jessica battled, but actually seemed to try and sing together, as well as they could.  Clearly they liked each other, so we had to hear all the cliches from judges about how they had to put their friendship aside and sing as though they really wanted it.  What 'it' was I am not sure, maybe a Mini Magnum after the show?  Vince went through.

Team willie.wet.wassock

Jaz and Jay made a fucking racket, presided over by willie.won't.he who managed the most inappropriate comment of the night, with "You got soul in a bowl" and all four judges stood up.  WTF?  Danny said he was standing because he wanted to show how much the performance and the competition meant (???), whereas I though he needed the loo.  Mister delerious.i.am picked Jaz to go through.  The performances though were a fuckin' mess!

Team Toad

Ruth Brown took on the ex-5 Star singer Deniece Pearson in the final bout.  My money was on Ruth immediately, because anyone who spells 'Denise' like that ought to be castigated, and is certainly not worthy of five stars, whether at McDonald's or anywhere else!  Ruth managed to sing well and genuinely, while the Michael Jackson lookalike, complete with the gloves, tried to warble and itch her way back to stardom, having fucked it once already with 5 Star.  I am sure she's nice, but she was seemingly false as fuck.  Tom picked Ruth and everyone was happy.

Could someone pleased explain to me why Reggie and Holly are paid a fortune to do so little?  I did keep expecting Holly to say "Over to the Ice Panel" every time she croaked with that gravelly voice.

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