30.4.12 Nature Deficit Disorder

I've heard it all now!  The TV was on yesterday, although little attention was being paid to it by either me or Mrs MWSC, until a phrase captured our joint attention.  A presenter was suggesting that many kids are "suffering" from Nature Deficit Disorder.  What the fuck?  [I thik the programme was Cunt-ryfile]

Yes, I know full well that too many hours are spent in front of screens, and that kids these days have different priorities from those prevalent in my day.  I have no doubt that kids would generally be healthier and have a more diverse outlook if they were to spend more time outside.  Even so, there's no need to create a fucking label like this!  All that will happen now is the term being used to explain issues and behaviours, and it will mean responsibility is not taken for having a well-rounded and balanced upbringing.

There are many diseases, conditions and ailments that are either serious or debilitating.  Many have useful shorter references, such as M.E. and AIDS.  However, giving a handy label for something as pathetic as not getting out of the house enough is plainly bonkers.  Sooner or later, with this stupid approach, we'll have people claiming sickness benefits and incapacity benefits as a result of their deficiency on the nature front!  As it is, there are some who love labels, to excuse issues, and things get a bit clouded.  ADHD is a good one for that.

What next?  How about these: NUTS, MANIAC, NOBBY, SOFA, TWITS Deficit

No Use Trying Syndrome
Marginalised And Now I'm A Cunt
Not Obese, Big Boned Yes
Shortage Of Fresh Air
Two Weeks In The Sun

I have myself been suffering, especially from GSSW which has left me desperate to collect something else, probably football stickers by Panini, and I fear for my sanity after the effects of YCBTFTD.

This world is a mess!

Green Shield Stamps Withdrawal
You Can't Buy Tooty Fruities These Days
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30.4.12 Bring Back Nina Myskow

Today, after a minor rant by me, Mrs MWSC agreed, and said: "Bring back Nina Myskow, I say."  What an excellent idea!  What prompted my rant, and her statement?  Quite simply, the uselessness of judges on TV.  It seems that these days, judges are scared as fuck to tell contestants the truth.

This weekend, on The Voice, I have suffered the judges' comments, and the 'praise' lavished on people whose talent is debatable, and at best miniscule, with just a couple of exceptions.  Even on Songs of Praise, the three judges giving verdicts on school choirs managed to maintain the approach of 'being nice'.  Is there some fear of sending someone into a coma, or causing them to have a stroke that is governing what's now said on TV?  If a performer is shit, or off key, of simply fucked it, then he or she should be given the news.  It is NOT obligatory for judges to have to find something nice or positive to say, and avoid dispensing criticism if the criticism is deserved.

In the days of New Faces, Nina Myskow would be a benchmark for honesty and reality.  For some reason, Danny, Tom, Jessie and Will.i.ever.regain.sanity are intent on blowing smoke up the arses of singers who are mostly average.  The Voice [now renamed The Farce by yours truly] manages to mislead the singers whom they've put through to the live finals.  That shows a weakness, and a spinelessness.  Where has the honesty gone, please?  In this respect, it is quite clear that Britain's Got Talent has greater integrity in its approach than The Voice.  If one of the judges does not like an act, then that view is aired.  Acts are told they are useless or that they are unentertaining.  On The Voice, there are four strands to the input.  Jessie tries to sound as common as possible, and finds something good to say even when the singing has been off.  Tom just looks smug and toad-like, while name-dropping all the time.  His input is as valuable as a wet fart.  Danny is eternally useless, overdoing praise and pulling the weirdest faces.  Will.u.fuck.off is just deluded and on something, and believes his own fantasy about being a spaceman.  All four have one thing in common - they simply refuse to tell any of the singers that they didn't do well; why?  This is actually despicable and removes all traces of integrity and credibility.

Bring Back Nina

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29.4.12 The Voice: Poor Man's X-Factor

I am indebted to DIL2B (Daughter-in-law to be) for highlighting something that had actually crossed my mind without me nailing the problem.  On tonight's results show for The Voice, I was puzzled by the attire of a few contestants, and in particular Sam Buttery, whose outfit was distinctive and the same as last night's.  As DIL2B pointed out, The Voice is the "poor man's X-Factor" because the show cannot even stretch to different clothes.  However, after some consideration, I think I have the answer.

The telephone vote after yesterday's live show was one which invited the public to waste 25p on each vote to save a contestant, and the lines closed at 9pm.  Straight off, on tonight's results show, Hollery Willoughby told us not to vote because the lines were closed.  I am not surprised, now, because I believe the results show is recorded immediately after the live show on Saturday.  The lines close at 9.00pm, and then they all record the half hour reults show, wearing the same clothes.  It's then put on our screens on Sunday.

Tossers!  I was already of the opinion that the Voice was shit, and after enduring (for that is indeed the word and the experience) yesterday's input by four shitty judges, two hosts who hadn't a clue and acts which were padding, I can say in all honesty that the hype was exactly that - hype.  There is no substance, or a shred of believability involved with this programme.  Tonight, the painful eeking out of fucking conversations about nothing was total torture.  Small talk that revolved around judges saying fuck all, or "it's difficult" or "it'll be a tough decision" was dire, and this is most definitely NOT entertainment.  BHye Sam - you were poor and off key.  Bye Sophie - seventeen or not, you wailed and were poor.

The Voice is now The Farce.

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28.4.12 Pointless Celebrities

How fantastically named is this programme!  Fifty-five minutes of direness, hosted by Alexander Armstrong, with a style more wooden than Epping fucking forest.  The 'celebrities' were pleased to be on camera rather than at the bottom of the barrel.

John Virgo thought Mr Potato Head was one of the Mister Men, and Dennis Taylor was up to nothing.  Esther Rantzen has got a daughter called Rebecca, who offers the world little.  Paul Ross seemed knowledgeable and so his team-mate John Thompson benefited.  Meanwhile, Edith Bowman's mate (Rick something-or-other) seemed to think Turin was in Switzerland rather than Italy.

Some of the class quotes were: "We've now come to our Pointless final."  Never a truer word spoken, Alexander!  This was followed by his equally eloquent summing up, after Paul and John got through - "You've won our coveted Pointless trophy."

The 'jackpot' of a paltry £2500 was not won, but it mattered not, as Alexander said he'd donate £500 to each celebrity pair, for their charities.  So, four times £500.  The stakes are so high in this pointless programme. 

This is the howling disaster of the television world.

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28.4.12 The Voice Live Show 1

Well, I am clear on one thing; the quartet of Tom, Jessie, Will and Danny most certainly does NOT work.  They opened the show with a fucking noise and half, and it proved two things. (1) Will.i.am cannot sing, and (2) Danny O'Dear cannot sing.

Team Won't against Team Tom.  Holly Willoughby managed to present us with a section of useless interaction with the four judges.  The small talk was cringe-worthy.  I thought for a minute that I was still watching Pointless Celebrities, and another chunk of my life was being wasted.

Reggie has been given ungainful employment, making useless comments and relaying other people's useless comments.  Holly's first "over to Reggie" led us to his reading out of one tweet, and 10 seconds later it was "back to Holly" who managed a "Fantastic!" by way of response.  All this led me to believe that I was in a parallel universe. 

Joelle Moses
She wailed away, and then had a minor fit on stage, before giving us a final 15 seconds that was okay.  Will was proud of her, but his other input was incoherent nonsense.  This bloke seems to delight in wearing space suits with his initials on show, but really he could do with a rocket underneath him!

Sam Buttery
He was all over the place.  A hard song to sing, but he didn't manage to nail it, despite the judges' comments.  Is there some sort of fear on the part of the judges, because it would appear no one is allowed to say anything truthful.  Holly is pissing me off; wailing like buggery. 

Frances Wood
She should have stayed in her bedroom with the hairbrush.  Holly was raucous as fuck, with her voice sounding like rocks and gravel in a tumble dryer.  Will enlightened us about a 'Team Will Huddle'.  Puddle would have been a better, because they should all have been cring in despair.

We then had a pointless input from Reggie.  Why the cuntin' fuck do I have to listen to him read out to me shit that people have tweeted and messaged on Facebook?  Fuck off!

Adam Isaac
This was awful.  He made a noise, then stooped to talk into the microphone being held by Hollery Willoughby.  The funniest line was from Jessie who said: "His jaw ain't chipped" when commenting on his performance despite his having chipped a bone in rehearsals.

Jaz Ellington
He's good of course.  He can certainly sing better than Will by a long way.  On that basis, Will's opinion is worthless.

Leanne Mitchell
A reasonable middle-of-the-road performance.  However, as Mrs MWSC said: "Unfortunately that dress makes her look like a killer whale."  I looked and agreed that Orca she indeed was, in black and white.

Reggie joined in with some bollocks on Twitter.  Why, why, why?

Sophie Griffin
Weak or what!  But in case you don't know, she's seventeen, and that excuses everything, because it's all about the age, as we established last week.  I bet J Marie Copper is watching and thinking she was robbed.

Matt and Sueleen
Malt and Soreen were the night's novelty act, and I just don't know what to make of them.  Holly hollered into Matt's right ear, and then went to the judges for comments.  Will went off in his head but sadly included us in his meandering; the guy is away with the fairies. 

Tyler James
I wondered if the man in the orange and brown space suit, and mustard gloves (?) had cracked Tyler's bollocks, to get him to sing this high.  Will came out with some shit again.  His stories are so completely shit.  The falsetto voice was fitting, to go with the judges' inputs which tonight have been mainly false.

Ruth Brown
Phenomenal!

Will.i.reclaim.my.marbles.one day?  What a nob.  His little snippets of weirdness are so odd.  Holly hollered us over to Reggie for some input.  He read a few comments from the public, and earned about three pence - but will be paid substantially more, alas.

Holly, take a breath - about ten minutes long - and give me a break please, from that onslaught of gushing, smiling, wailing noise.

Do I want to spend 25p on a vote?  No thanks.  So, how much entertainment was there in tonight's 90 minutes of tosh?  Three minutes, from Ruth Brown.

...

27.4.12 These Boots Were Made For Walking

John Terry gets sent off in the match against Barcelona - not for a second yellow, through dissent, moaning, kicking the ball away or anything innocuous.  No, he cynically kneed Sanchez when he thought no one was looking, hoping to get away with behaviour that was terrible - or should that be Terry-ble ?  He so deserved to walk!

So, having been caught out, he tried to excuse his behaviour with some shit about 'protecting himself' and then suggested that after watching the reply "it did look like a red".  So, he took a walk, quite rightly, and misses the final of the Champions League.  Twat.

Somehow, though, there seems to be the most misguided movement known to mankind doing rather well.  In fact, the "Give Terry a Break" bollocks seems to thrive, and contaminate the fucking country.  Yesterday we had reports of what a top guy he is, and pleas for him to be allowed to lift the cup, should Chelsea beat Bayern Munich in the final.  When I read this, I struggled to comprehend why the fuck a bully who literally assaulted an opponent off the ball in the hope of causing pain and gaining for Chelsea an unfair advantage, should be given any leeway at all, for anything!  The quote from the editor of the Chelsea Football Club fanzine was inter-galactic:

"Everyone's heart goes out to JT.  No one deserves to lift the cup more than him and it will be an absolute travesty if UEFA ban him from the podium."

What complete shit; the travesty would be if he does lift it.  [As for grammar, Dave Johnstone should have said "bans" as UEFA is singular.]  Today's paper states that UEFA has confirmed JT will be able to lift the trophy.  'Disgusting', is all I can say.  You limp fucks in charge of football do more damage than you know.

Meanwhile, back on home territory, it seems there's more effort having to be made within the world of football, so that there's no danger of a fiasco over a handshake.  The Premier League bosses have suspended the fair play ritual of handshakes before the game, for the game between QPR and Chelsea.  With JT having (allegedly) racially abused Anton Ferdinand, it means everyone has to adjust.  As ever, JT comes first, and is regarded as some sort of super-human deity.  Did he say what he's reported to have said?  I'm not sure that's in much doubt, in my opinion, but I suppose we'll have to wait for the trial and some evidence.  What's weird though is that JT needed to look at the video reply before acknowledging that "it looked like a red" regarding his attack on Sanchez, but when it comes to referring to video evidence on the verbal abuse, and using lip-reading experts, JT tries to get the evidence deemed inadmissible!  Ha!  Talk about inconsistency, and a complete failure to face up to errors of judgement of great magnitude.

Why does he try to maintain that he's done nothing wrong.  Maybe at some point in his life, he'll accept responsibility for his actions, apologise (and mean it) and stop being such an unlikeable person. 

On the subject of handshakes, I'm not sure there's actually any point in two lines of players filing past each other, shaking hands.  No one really means it, cares or treats it as anything but a ritual - just as it is labelled by the Premier League.  All I do know is that if I were in line, I'd only want to shake hands with decent and fair-minded people.  On that basis, I'd never want to shake hands with John Terry, any more than I'd want to shake hands with Tony Blair!

...

25.4.12 Darcey and Alesha

What fun it must be to work at The Sun newspaper.  Today's edition contains riveting news that Darcey Bussell is to become the new judge on Strictly Come Dancing, replacing Alesha Dixon.  In itself, this is hardly earth shattering, but I can see why it would be reported as news.  I am not sure it required nine tenths of  page 7, especially as a massive picture of Bruce Forsythe and a speech bubble [NICE TUTU SEE YOU] was included to the detriment of all sane readers.  What I found most amusing, though, was the creativity of the newspaper through the inclusion of a little table to help me make the comparison between the two women.

This helpful little chart makes the task so much easier, as it is packed with valuable information.  I can make an assessment of the revised arrangements, and I thank The Sun for its assistance.  Poor Alesha is being portrayed almost as a 'low-life' when you see how they differ.  The compiler has stopped short of including other information, which would be massively contentious, and stray into the 'no go' zone.  This would mean stating:

Class:           Posh v Common
Colour:         White v Black
Behaviour:    Prim v Brash
Entitlement:  Deserving v Bit Lucky

The comparison made is very subtle discrimination, because it tries to belittle Alesha to some degree.  Still, if Darcey gets £100,000 and Alesha gets £300,000 then I doubt Alesha is too bothered.  I have nothing against either of them, and had never thought to compare them before the newspaper article.

...

25.4.12 John Terry True Colours

As if anyone needed further proof that JT is an undesirable character, he last night showed his true colours.  Rather than 'True Blue', he was 'Angry Red', which was the colour of the card brandished by the referee for his stupid challenge.  I say 'challenge' but that's not really appropriate, because that would suggest some sort of error in timing on his part, or at least an attempt tp try and get the ball.  No, we are talking instead of the usual thuggish behaviour.

Kneeing someone is hardly helpful in a semi-final of the most important club competition.  Still, we know his abilities are more diverse than simply playing football; he's adept at all sorts.  We've had his inspirational take on race relations through the utterance of certain descriptive words, to Anton Ferdinand.  We've heard about scandals with finances, relating to visitors to Stamford Bridge paying cash for tours, and I am sure there was all sorts of speculation about his mortgages and property dealing last year.  Then, of course, there's the affair with Vanessa Perroncel, who was his team-mate's girlfriend.  After his pending court case and the fiasco about his England captaincy, and his possible appearance at this summer's European Championships to add further unsettlement, you'd think he'd try to keep a low profile.  Nah.

So, he'll miss the final.  I have no sympathy, of course, because he kneed an opponent, which if he were in the street would be classed as assault.  I see in today's paper some quotes from the man himself.

"I feel as though I've let the lads down and I've apologised to them."

No, John, the 'I feel as though' part of the statement is completely pointless - superfluous!  "I have let the lads down . . . " is the correct approach, so don't try to temper things; shame you can't control your temper more in general, I'd say.

"At the time I was bewildered.  I was trying to protect myself a little bit but on the replay it looked like a red card."

No, no, no!  What planet are you on?  Protect yourself?  Again, don't try and reduce your stupidity or try and gain any sympathy - you were not protecting anything, and you were not the victim.  As for looking at the fucking reply to decide whether YOU think it was a red card offence, what a farce.  YOU KNEED him!  You're an idiot if you think that such actions are okay if the replay is not conclusive in revealing something worthy of a red card.  By default, you are admitting that you get away with whatever you can on an ongoing basis, but that if the cameras catch you, then you'll begrudgingly admit something - probably along the lines of: "I feel as though . . . . ." or "It looked like . . . . .".  It was your fucking knee, so what it looks like is irrelevant, because I rather assume you are in control of your own knee.  Hmmmm - on second thoughts . . . .

What's you next move, JT?  Can't wait for the next instalment - miles better than "Made In Chelsea".

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24.4.12 Updated Audience Details

On 5th February, I posted the list of countries from where people are viewing this Blog site, and was pleased with the spread.  The Top Ten has hardly changed, just a switch between Japan (moving up to 9th) and Canada (down to 10th) as below.  The other countries are show as well, and I can now add a third list as new locations come on board.

Thanks to viewers from various countries around the world.  The countries which make up the top ten for viewing are:

1   United Kingdom
2   United States
3   Russia
4   Germany
5   Singapore
6   Australia
7   Spain
8   Netherlands
9   Japan
10 Canada

Other interest has come from (in no particular order):

France
Poland
Italy
Denmark
Sweden
Switzerland
Thailand
Croatia
Bulgaria
India
Mexico
Iraq
Colombia
China
South Africa
Philippines
Latvia
Ireland
Serbia
Greece
Ukraine
Egypt
Taiwan
Bosnia and Herzegovina

Now I have some more to list:

South Korea
Brazil
Hong Kong
Trinidad & Tobago
Malaysia
Venezuela
Indonesia
Romania
Vietnam
Lebanon
Isle of Man
Lithuania
Georgia
Moldova
Nigeria
Slovakia
Gabon
...

22.4.12 The Voice UK Battle Round Part 2

So that's it, we have finished (thank God) the duels, and have 20 left.  Nine went through yesterday, and this evening, we were subjected to another 11 bouts.  Here we go.

Team Jessie

This was the shittiest rendition of Michael Jackson's Beat It that I have ever heard, and I was desperate for it to be over.  Cassius got through, but probably because of having the more unusual name - it certainly had nothing to do with the voice.

Team Tom

We had to listen to The Edge of Glory, sung by Barbara and Leanne.  In the lead up to the duel, we saw Cerys Matthews, whose facial expressions reminded me of a demented Ken Dodd [if that's not confusing, inasmuch as Ken has no other expression].  I would rather have seen a sumo contest between the two heavyweights rather than these two trying to out-decibel each other.  The funniest part was Tom's comment at the end: "This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done."  What complete bollocks, Tom.  Leanne progressed while will.i.survive apparently lusted over Barbara, pretending to melt like chocolate on the seat, or some such crap he was spouting.

Team will. you.still.love.me.tomorrow

Frances and Kate were good friends, we learned, and our education was made complete in the trailer when Will said: "Ultimately one's going to outperform the other."  Thanks for that, Will.  The singing was diabolical; dire versus diahorrea!  They both managed to hit wrong notes, sing off key and amaze be with how poor they could be.  I then realised that instead of Will stating the fucking obvious, he'd actually lied.  Neither outperformed the other, they were both horrendous.  Jessie commented by sitting on the fence perfectly, with: "Both of you are on a par with each other."  Yes; 'dregs'.  Frances got through, but Will tried to make Kate feel better with: "We're gonna hang out."  Yeah, right.

Team O'Danny Boy

This pitched Aleks against Emmy.  Now, spelling Alex with a 'ks' instead of the 'x' is just daft, pretentious and shit.  As shit as the decision by Dunno to put him through instead of Emma, who sang better.  She wasn't fantastic, but she was in tune, not flat, and seemed to know what she was doing.  Aleks (oh, it pains me to type those two letters together - ks) was simply awful, flat and weak.  Dunny said, "Emmy, you're further down the line, but I still have a lot to show Aleks, in a way."  Arrogant twat.

Team Josie

Ben versus Ruth-ann, both wanting to dance with somebody.  The performance was shite, and the last note was a cats' chorus.  When Jessie picked Ruth-ann, Dunnie said it was "one of the biggest shocks so far" - this from the tosser who'd just picked Aleks!

Team TomTom

Indeed, a TomTom would show more direction and give better input than just Tom.  He put Lindsey against Peters and Lee, now called Matt & Sueleen.  Come to think of it, the 'blind auditions' would have suited Peters and Lee!  Anyway, Malt Loaf & Soreen were weird.  I heard the following - "It took the tosser a coin to get them on his team", before realising it was "toss of" rather than "tosser", and so Tom escaped the insult - shame.  Lindsey came out with some Midlands grammar - "For me, getting to the live shows is going to be the most ultimate thing."  Yeah, I'm sure it'll be the bestest most brilliantest greatest singfest ever, luv.  Still, I would have picked her over the hippies.  I thought this programme was supposed to be The Voice, NOT The Voices (these are what Will hears most of the day).  Tom goes with M&S then, while I prefer the proper Marks & Spencer.

PS: Jessie commented at the end: "I would have gone with Lindsey, but they're [M&S] more interesting to watch."  Oh, so it's not about the voice anymore, then?????

Team Danny O'Dinner Queue

Murray v Hannah.  Quote from Danny, to the two contestants: "This is the stage where you should do what you do.  If you don't do it, there's no point in being here."  Profound, inspiring, and wonderful, to the point where I think you're the new Irish mastermind, and will take over from Louis Walsh.  Hannah won.

Team Josie

Another double-act, with Indie & Pixie coming across as unlikeable.  Becky had the better voice (and isn't that what it's all about?) and won.  Will came out with a comment about the Chipmunks, saying "you've improved a thousand quatrillion percent." What a wassack!

Team Tom

Adam v Denise.  Boring.  Adam went through.

Team willo.the.wisp

J Marie took on Sophie, while Will sat in his Thunderbirds outfit pulling faces.  Afterwards, he came up with: "J Marie Cooper, super doopa."  However, he chose Sophie, who was most definitely not the better singer.  No, he sat there and with a tear in his eye, went on about being given a chance when he was seventeen years old.  That's right, she's seventeen.  Let's get one thing fucking clear - it's NOT about the voice.  On this occasion, it was all about the age!  He picked Sophie because of potential, age, whatever.  She might be okay, and better than others in the competition, but in the duel against J Marie, she was not the best.

Team O'Dear Who

David beat John.  Yawn.  "This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life" was rather overdoing it, Danny.  Please can you stop with the melodrama, pained expressions, and bollocks leaving your mouth.  Ta.

I can't say this competition is good, because it's not.  There is some entertainment, though, and it certainly hasn't come from the singers thus far.  No, it's all about the Judges.

...

22.4.12 Pathetic Police

Rebecca Jones told police which way to go to follow a gang of thieves, she was surprised at the outcome.  The thieves were making a getaway on quad bikes, after stealing her kayak worth £700.  Apparently the chase was abandoned because none of the gang was wearing a crash helmet, and they were all driving erratically!  Fucking hell; when will this country stopping cunting around and when will people paid good money to do their jobs actually do them? 

Calling all thieves - I suggest that in future, you ride quad bikes and motorcyles to get away from police, and they'll all pull over and let you make good your escapes, especially if your behaviour is erratic.

A South Yorkshire Police spokesman said: "Officers were instructed not to begin a pursuit.  An area search was conducted and all lines of inquiry were explored, unfortunately without gain."

This translates to the following, just to be clear: "Some twat in charge told the coppers on the ground not to bother chasing the thieves because, well, what the fuck.  The insurers should pay, and if the victim had no insurance, that's her lookout.  If one of the fleeing thieves has hurt himself while we were chasing, we'd be sued or something, so it was better to sit back and chew on a hot dog.  Having let the thieves all get away because we are useless fuckers with no backbone, we asked around a bit, but this got us nowhere.  Ah well, never mind."

This country is so fucking screwed up, it's almost unbelievable.  Still, there's always the good news; there is never a shortage of traffic cops to try and give you three points and fine the fuck out of you for doing 85mph on a 70mph dual carriageway, pointing a camera out of a darkened side window on a van parked on a bridge.

...

22.4.12 The Voice UK Battle Round

Oh dear!  It was mostly a lot of howling and wailing.  The show is completely misnamed, because it was billed with the phrase "It's all about the voice" when it was in fact better described with 'It's all about the judges".  Now that we have got past the well-intended 'someone singing but can't see who' stage, there's nothing special about this contest.

So, over two nights we have battles on stage, and we will cut the field down from 40 to 20.  Yesterday evening there were nine 'bouts' where we saw pairs in each judge's team face each other.  Now, when I was young, I was quite taken with the 'Duelling Banjos' music, which was featured in the film Deliverance (1972) and it is a classic.  Last night, there was nothing classic about the duelling.

Team wilting.i.am

I'm Every Woman was not a lot more than a shouting contest.  In fact, even Holly Willoughby managed a fairly hefty shout to introduce the noisy singers.  Joelle got through for no good reason; Will may as well have tossed a coin, or himself.

Team Dunna Poo

The angst, the pained expressions, the constipation, the person who is Danny.  He has clearly been coached by Louis Walsh because he managed to come up with the same phrase as the Elf himself.  "Guys, I'm going to have to go with my gut instinct . . . . . the person I want to take through, is . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Max!"

Team Tom

This Elvis song was performed by Sam and Aundrea (a name that makes me think of laundry) and the pronunciation was weird.  It was a bellowing contest, because as we all know, the louder you sing/scream, the better you are.  Yeah, right.  Will's eyes rolled, Danny looked in pain, and Tom himself seemed to be reminiscing about happier days in Toad Hall.  I turned to Mrs MWSC and said, "There must be a sink hole somewhere that needs filling."  Tom decided to keep Sam, so maybe Aundrea was destined for the hole?

Team Jessie

Kirsten and Toni tortured us with one of the worst songs of all time - Think.  It only ever worked once, when it first came out, and its durability was flimsy as fuck.  I expected Tom to come out with some nonsense about how he worked with and "Respect-ed" (or inspected?) Urethra Franklin.  The shit song was lauded by the judges who couldn't decide who to put through.  The woman from Total Recall (the bald-headed one, you know, when Arnie is disguised when going through security after landing on Mars) got through.

Team O'Danny Boy

Bo and Vince sang With or Without You, and I know I'd have chosen the latter (no, not Vince - 'Without You').  Vince nicked the slogan from the side of an M&S lorry, with his assertion that "There is no plan B".  Will managed to describe them as 'Superstars' which proved he was away with the fairies.  Dunny, with his hair like a centurion's helmet, came out with another line from his hero, Louis.  "I am basing this decision on who I think will go into the music business straight away and sell the most amount of records."  Now, apart from his inability to speak English ["most amount of records" is shocking] I am wondering whether it is allowed for judges to keep moving the goalposts; earlier he said he was going with his gut instinct.  Is his next decision going to be based on whether Uranus and Venus are in line with Dublin while a competitor is wailing the loudest?  Bo won, and went off stage to be hugged by her servants, and put on a Cardigan.  [Well done if you get that.]

Team wally.i.am.a

This duel was truly fucking shit.  Everyone who had been on the programme up to this point had done better than either of these two.  Tyler went through.  All I remember is pain, and Will saying "prolly" instead of "probably".  "Yeah 3x" by Chris Brown was the Song but as Amy said about rehab, it was more like "No, No, No" in my book.

Team Jessie

Vince and Jessica battled, but actually seemed to try and sing together, as well as they could.  Clearly they liked each other, so we had to hear all the cliches from judges about how they had to put their friendship aside and sing as though they really wanted it.  What 'it' was I am not sure, maybe a Mini Magnum after the show?  Vince went through.

Team willie.wet.wassock

Jaz and Jay made a fucking racket, presided over by willie.won't.he who managed the most inappropriate comment of the night, with "You got soul in a bowl" and all four judges stood up.  WTF?  Danny said he was standing because he wanted to show how much the performance and the competition meant (???), whereas I though he needed the loo.  Mister delerious.i.am picked Jaz to go through.  The performances though were a fuckin' mess!

Team Toad

Ruth Brown took on the ex-5 Star singer Deniece Pearson in the final bout.  My money was on Ruth immediately, because anyone who spells 'Denise' like that ought to be castigated, and is certainly not worthy of five stars, whether at McDonald's or anywhere else!  Ruth managed to sing well and genuinely, while the Michael Jackson lookalike, complete with the gloves, tried to warble and itch her way back to stardom, having fucked it once already with 5 Star.  I am sure she's nice, but she was seemingly false as fuck.  Tom picked Ruth and everyone was happy.

Could someone pleased explain to me why Reggie and Holly are paid a fortune to do so little?  I did keep expecting Holly to say "Over to the Ice Panel" every time she croaked with that gravelly voice.

...

19.4.12 Repartee & Toast

Scene 1 - 'Foil'

Mrs MWSC is sitting at the computer, Junior is on the sofa at the back of the room.  TMWSC enters, carrying a large sheet of used but flat tin foil.

TMWSC:       "This would have come in handy for a school play!"
Mrs MWSC:  "What is it?"
TMWSC:       "The foil you put round my sandwich!"

He holds up the sheet with approximate dimensions of 60 x 45 centimetres

Mrs MWSC:  "Where did you get it?"
TMWSC:       "From the car, where I had my sandwich yesterday."
Mrs MWSC:  "What's wrong with that?"
TMWSC:       "Three square feet of fucking foil for one sandwich!  It would have gone a long way in a school play."
Junior:            (Sniggering)


Scene 2 - 'Constipation'

11.15pm at the outer door to the Reception at a Travelodge, buzzing the intercom to gain access, exactly as it says on the sign to do, if arriving after 10.00pm.

TMWSC:       "This is fucking stupid."
Mrs MWSC:  "You're not kidding."
TMWSC:       "That's at least three minutes."

Mrs MWSC pushes yet again on the intercom, as we look through the glass doors and see an empty desk.

TMWSC:       "I haven't got the phone number but I'm gonna call them once I've got it off Google.  This is a fucking joke."
Mrs MWSC:  "You might as well; there's no telling how long we'll be here.

TMWSC searches for a number, while Mrs MWSC presses the intercom a number of times.  After a couple of minutes, a chap appears wearing a half-hearted grin that could double up as a face to demonstrate constipation.

Nightman:     "It's open."  (heard faintly through the glass, although it was more of a mime, actually)
TMWSC:       "Bloody marvellous!"  (upon entering the Reception area)
Nightman:     "It was open all the time."
TMWSC:       "Yeah, but as if that makes any fucking difference because there's no one here anyway!  If we could have got in it would have achieved nothing if no one's at the desk."

The nightman must have heard but plays dumb.  He notes the car registration, and provides a key to room 46, which is in the next building.  Leaving the reception area, and leaving behind Mr Constipation, four new arrivals are encountered at the glass double doors.

TMWSC:       "They're fucking lucky they don't have the same grief; we've done all the waiting for them."


Scene 3 - 'Impatience'

Junior has encouraged TMWSC, Mrs MWSC and his Fiancee to look at 'Snatch Wars' on the computer, which is apparently highly amusing. 

Junior:           "It's brilliant, you've gotta watch it."
Fiancee:        "Go on then."

The video clip starts up, as we all gather round.  A minute into the viewing . . . .

Junior:           "It's brilliant."
Fiancee:        "Is it brilliant for eight and a half minutes?"

I note the tone of her remark, and the fact that the clip is another seven and a half minutes from completion!


Scene 4 - 'Scrabble'

TMWSC is engaged in a game of Scrabble with Mum and Dad for the first time in many years.  At the dining room table, it is Mum's go.  She is musing, and considering (limited) options.

Mum:            "How do you spell 'OD'?  [pronounced Oh, Dee]
TMWSC:      "What do you mean, 'O-D' ?
Mum:            "Eau de Cologne."

Eau Dear !


Scene 5 - 'Charlie'

A few people were gathered in the living room, while Charlie played.  The conversation turned to babies, and their weights and dimensions on birth.  Faye was able to impart valuable information to the group about Charlie.

Faye:             "Charlie wasn't nearly as big.  He was thirty-three centimetres.  That's like a thirty centimetre ruler."
TMWSC:       "How do you measure them?"
Scott:            "From one end of the ruler to the other." [mumbled]

Priceless.


Scene 6 - 'Butter'

In the kitchen, the mother of TMWSC is busy preparing toast to accompany the bacon and eggs already served.  She then puts a plate of buttered toast on the table.  Mrs MWSC and Dad are also seated.  Toast is taken from the plate.

TMWSC:        "Where's that slice gone I was about to eat?"
Mrs MWSC:   "Harvey had it."
TMWSC:        "Hang on, this one's got no butter!"

TMWSC leaves the table and goes into the kitchen, to find Mum loitering.  He is holding one slice of dry toast.

TMWSC:        "This slice hasn't got any butter on it!"
Mum:              "Well, how much butter do you want?"
TMWSC:        "Some!"

Scene 7 - 'Fatty'

TMWSC sees in the paper a picture of a very obese woman, and is prompted to remark to Jess, after their conversation about clothing.

TMWSC:        "Do they make pants for people that big?"
Jess:               "Yes, but they shouldn't!"


Scene 8 - 'BGT'

TMWSC, Mrs MWSC and Junior's Fiancee, Jess, are watching Britain's Got Talent.  There is general dismay at the act which comes on - a Hungarian basketball display team.

Jess:              "They shouldn't be on here, they're not British.  You ought to be a citizen of this country to be on it; it's not right.
TMWSC:        "It's not Hungary's Got Talent, is it!  You're right.  Same with the Irish, including that singer - has he been allowed through, after the fuss with The Voice?"
Jess:               "I don't know." 

She taps her phone and posts on Facebook about foreign nationals on BGT.  A fourteen-year-old girl comes on, and sings well.

Mrs MWSC:   "There are too many singers on Britain's Got Talent."
TMWSC:         "I agree, especially when there's the X-Factor.  I think they should be banned if they are old enough to be on X-Factor instead.  This should be more about variety and not be hijacked by singers all the time."
Mrs MWSC:   "What's the age limit on this?"
TMWSC:         "There isn't one.  You can have all sorts, even ten-year-olds and shit!"
Jess:               "Ten-year-olds, embryos, you're all welcome!"

Clearly Jess is mildly narked about the Hungarians, still, and pounces on the "and shit" part of the last comment, deciding on a piss-take.  Presently, Carmen Electra makes a comment from the panel, at the end of a routine by a group of dancers.

Carmen:          "America is known for its dance crews."
Mrs MWSC:   "Wasn't that a bit arrogant?"
TMWSC:         "Arrocunt, in my book."


Scene 9 - 'The Car In Front'

On a single carriageway road subject to the National Speed Limit (60mph) TMWSC and Mrs MWSC find themselves following a Volvo, driven slowly and erratically.

TMWSC:        "This guy's driving like a cunt."
Mrs MWSC:   "You're right.  He's really unpredictable."
TMWSC:        "Don't fucking slow down, you tosser!  You should be pulling away from me!"
Mrs MWSC:   "He really is annoying me, now."
TMWSC:        "I'm in a shit car, with skinny wheels and no oomph; I've got no business harassing a Volvo!"
Mrs MWSC:   "I've got to write that down."
TMWSC:        "While you're at it, write down 'Cunt in a Volvo', or perhaps better, a Vulva."

The cunt then proceeds towards traffic lights, slowing and farting about, dithering and forcing TMWSC to slow as well.  The Vulva then goes through the lights as they change to red, making illegal progress while denying TMWSC the chance to do anything except swear and come to a stop.

...

18.4.12 The Truth About Religion

QED



© TMWSC 2012

...

18.4.12 Confucius Say

• Why are the pillows in a Travelodge flatter than a squashed vol au vent?
• Why is the stress so different in 'Patrol' from the stress in pronouncing 'Petrol'?
• Is Thai Cheese fitter and more agile than other cheeses?
• How many people have ever actually killed two birds with a stone?
• Football managers should be banned from chewing gum.
• Who at Victoria Plumb decided the best advertising strategy was to use the sides of abandoned trailers in fields alongside motorways?
• The Euro is a currency with Parkinson's Disease.
• No songs should ever be allowed a reference to the 'DJ' in the lyrics.
• Travelodge soap is second in hardness only to diamonds.
• Use of the words "kind of" and "kinda" should be outlawed in civilised society.
• The Co-op should be liquidised in a giant blender, and all/any profits given back to Dividend Card holders.
• Ashley Young should be tied to a post as part of his training, so that he manages rather better at staying upright and not falling over when the breath of a sparrow performing the 'Birdie Song' can ordinarily topple him.
• Ken Livingstone should move to the Polish salt mines and remain underground.

• Why do Mars Bars taste like shit now?
• Lenny Henry has not been funny this century.
• Why do belts have to be removed at airports?
• Goal line technology is a fucking must, so sort it!
• Green taxes are a cuntin con!
• The EU is a bloated, mad, fucked-up, and pointless institution that demonstrates on a rolling basis that it will never ever serve the collected 'community' nor be anything other than a cuntin catastrophe.
• Tom Jones should retire and/or hibernate.
• Why oh why does this series of the 'Great British Menu' need to have forty-fuckin-five episodes?
• Only an idiot would expect the estimate (in 2005) of £2.37billion as the cost of the 2012 Olympics not to end up being ten times that figure.
• What if your brother is heavy, though, Mr & Mr Righteous.
• Is there anywhere that I can go to escape news and pictures of Rihanna?
• Why does Pippa associate with guns?
• With so many benefits available, why should people in the UK work?
• With such useless border control in the UK, why should people not flock here?
• After Labour fucked the UK to within an inch of its life, why is the Coalition being a collective 'twat'?
• Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, Play a Song For Me.

...

16.4.12 Balance Transfers

I had the misfortune to speak to Barclaycard today.  It was my own choice to call, and I'd hoped to make arrangements for a balance transfer.  Such a step is sensible, and in fact imperative, considering the 24.9% APR that applies as normal.  So, having received a mailing that invited me to take up an offer for a 6-month zero interest period, at a one-off fee of 2.9% (still cheaper than doing nothing) I called.

It was with some disappointment that I found myself talking to someone the other side of the planet, and straining to hear what they were saying.  I have no real interest or bias regarding the siting of any call centre by any company.  My only real concern is that I can speak English and be understood, and can be spoken to in English and understand.  Such a simple expectation is nigh on cuntin' impossible these days.  I struggled to hear what was being said, as the pronunciation and accent made demands upon my ears that exceeded those exerted by a weak morse code signal tapped into the knackered earpiece of a 75-year-old deaf cunt wearing soggy earmuffs!

The woman asked me to confirm some details for security reasons, and my full name and phone number seemed reasonable enough.  She then went on to request my email address.  I politely said I didn't want to receive any emails, so didn't want to provide it.  Apparently this sort of obstructive behaviour is unprecedented, because she was gobsmacked.  She then wanted my mobile number.  I declined, saying that I didn't want any calls, I just wanted to sort out a balance transfer.  Again, she was mystified by my non-compliant response.  Her 'Okay' was less than convincing, and suggested to me that she was far from 'okay' about it.  "It's just for security, you know.  We won't call you on it."  I thought for 0.63 seconds, and replied: "Then you hardly need it, do you."  I was getting mildly frustrated, but sensed we were about to move on to the point of the call, and my transfer.

"I will see what offers we have at the moment.  The email address is simply for logging on our system."  Talk about not giving up!  "I don't want to receive any emails, or phone calls.  I like the fact that I can call you when I want something, and all I want is to sort out a balance transfer."

That did the trick, and I was glad (well my ears were) of the pause in the 'debate' while she checked.  She then advised that I could give my Barclaycard number, which I did.  The next few minutes were gruelling, and without going into detail or relaying personal arrangements, I got so fucking fucked off with Barclaycard that I said goodbye, called my bank, and paid off the whole cuntin' balance.  To do this, I called a number which led me to a call centre in England.  I spoke to a nice woman who asked how she could help.  I told her.  She did it.  I thanked her.  End of call.  All by ordinary discourse, with no "pardon", no "can you repeat that", no "I can't hear you properly", no "I didn't catch that", no "what's your inside leg measurement, for security", no "how the fuck can I annoy you today?"

I am sure that the world of customer service and call centre policy is mundane a lot of the time, but I do maintain that the existence of these places is not endorsed when there is little by way of customer service, and the task of liaising with the relevant organisation is made extra challenging.  I do not speak 'dolphin', nor do I manage well when being spoken to by someone who's apparently underwater!  If the latter were not the case, I could converse with my own farts in the fucking bath.  I do not readily understand daleks, lemurs, woodpeckers or cock-a-cuntin-toos.  In short I am not Dr Dolittle, nor am I an interpreter for the United Nations.  I am not interested at all in race or religion and these are irrelevant.  I am interested in sorting something over the phone without my brain being shuffled, pummelled and poked by unintelligible noises.

...

16.4.12 What A Dive

A)  A lead weight dropped from a tower block
B)  A ten-grand prostitute
C)  A burst balloon
D)  Ashley Young

Which goes down most easily?  Here's a clue . . . .

...

15.4.12 Enough Cookery

I think we are at the point where direct action is needed, to stem the flow of fucking cookery programmes on terrestrial TV.  Here's a quick run-down of last week's input.

Saturday Kitchen Live
The Little Paris Kitchen: Cooking With Rachel Khoo
Come Dine With Me
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Great British Menu
Sunday Brunch
The Great British Taste Tour
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA
Countrywise Kitchen
The Hairy Bikers' Bakeation
How To Cook Like Heston
River Cottage Bites
The Fabulous Baker Brothers
Our Food
River Cottage Veg Heroes

Don't forget, these are programmes on the five main channels without note of the number of separate programmes under these titles.  I have not included any of the programmes on food-related issues, or strayed into the realms of other channels, as I'd have to included, amongst very many others:

Embarrassing Bodies
Supersize v Superskinny
Obese: A Year To Save My Life USA
I'm A Fat Cunt, Help Me!

I made that last one up, but you could easily imagine its existence.  So, even without Masterchef, Jamie Oliver, The Biggest Loser, Rick Stein, Ainsley Harriott, the 'Cheese Thief', Delia Smith or Gino D'Acampo, we are still swamped with food.  This week's offerings see two new entries:

Two Greedy Italians: Still Hungry
The Food Hospital

Direct action - that's what we need.  Say 'No' to Nigella !!!

...

15.4.12 Hungary's Got Talent

Nothing against the Hungarians, me.  But in a development from my recent comments about the rules for BGT, and the participation of the 'under-contract-to-The-Voice-in-Ireland' singer Ryan O'Shaughnessy, I feel obliged to highlight that the programme is Britain's Got Talent, and not Britain's Got Enough Cuntin' Airports For Loads Of People To Fly In And Gatecrash The Auditions.

Unlike The X-Factor, which does not align itself to 'Britishness', BGT has rather succinctly stated that it is our national contest, not some sort of Eurovision fucking come-on-down.  The basketball players from Hungary were good.  I have seen this sort of act on YouTube, so was not 'blown away' but I recognise they are talented - once.  That's right, there's now little point in seeing them again.  The main point, though, is that they should really be in Hungary, on HGT.

If Hungary has not bought the rights to such a programme, then perhaps we will have to stage a new programme over here for them, called BRIGHT - Britain's Got Hungarian Talent (?)

...

15.4.12 TV Buzz Film Review

Last week's TV Guide with The Sun on Saturday contained details of all programmes, and included a star rating for films in the usual way.

*****  Brilliant
****    Very Good
***     Enjoyable
**       Not Bad
*        Give it a miss

This got me thinking, because I found myself less than impressed with the terms for grading films, mainly because the only one of the five scores that was in any way critical of a film was the one-star award.  I decided to analyse the weekly input by TV Buzz, and was amazed at the results.

Days	«	««	«««	««««	«««««		Day Totals
Saturday	2	58	53	47	20		180
Sunday	3	51	63	46	16		179
Monday	1	43	51	52	22		169
Tuesday	2	45	64	34	17		162
Wednesday	2	47	51	51	17		168
Thursday	0	50	54	39	18		161
Friday	0	56	62	45	8		171
Week Totals	10	350	398	314	118		1190

This table shows the spread of films by day and by star rating.  Whilst there may have been some small element of duplication relating to some of the satellite channels, this is minimal.  A number of films were given no star rating at all, whether through lack of space on the crammed pages, or because the film had not been reviewed, or it was in fact a duplicate entry.  Nevertheless, there were 1190 films over the seven days from Saturday 7th to Friday 13th April 2012.  The balance in terms of variation by day in the number of films and quality of films was fairly good, as demonstrated by the following.

The real surprise relates to the number of films awarded a single star - just 10 all week, out of 1190.  So, less than 1% of films are "to be given a miss" then!  There is no way that this split is appropriate.

5 Stars =   9.90%
4 Stars = 26.40%
3 Stars = 33.40%
2 Stars = 29.45%
1 Star   =   0.85%

Seeing as 1180 films are somewhere between "Not Bad" and "Excellent", it must be worth looking at the ten failures, for they must be amongst the worst films of all time to be singled out for this special treatment.

1  -  Showgirls (1995)
2  -  Superman IV: Quest For Peace (1987)
3  -  Holiday On The Buses (1973)
4  -  Catwoman (2004)
5  -  Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011)
6  -  Mutiny On The Buses (1972)
7  -  Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
8  -  The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall And Felt Superbad About It (2010)
9  -  The Roommate (2011)
10 - The Invisible Man Returns (1940)

What conclusions can we draw from this survey?  Well, there are a number, but without going into detailed analysis of statistics, I feel the following points are worthy of note.

a) The scoring/grading system employed by TV Buzz is flawed because there's no way that less than 1% of films are to be given a miss.  By default, that makes over 99% worth watching - clearly a joke!

b) It must be the case that if qualifying for just one star is so difficult, the ten films above must be fucking dire!  They must surely represent a level of entertainment akin to watching paint dry.

c) Sequels seem to fair rather badly.

d) The worst film in terms of the ratio of words in the title to entertainment value has to be number 8, above.  Any film with such a long and stupid title which is then awarded one pissing star must be even more annoying than the others.

e) The only film above that was aired on the standard terrestrial channels (Channel 4 on Saturday 7th April) was 'Showgirls'.  This begs the question - "Why the fuck is Channel 4 putting this shit on, when it's got such a crap reputation?"

As a complete aside to all of the above, I would like, as my parting comment, to highlight one particular film listed in the TV Guide, as it seems its title and star were a perfect pair:

Channel 5 - 3.15pm Trial By Fire
Action thriller with Brooke Burns (2008) ***


...