So, it was the final show yesterday - something that I had grasped well before one of the judges! I say this because after Bo had started off the show with her breathy stuff, Leanne sang, and Jessie J's first comment afterwards was: "You know what, you just reminded me this is the final." She followed this up immediately with: "I'm just so proud of your growth." Now, I cannot work out (a) why Jessie can claim to be proud of anything associated with Leanne, who was nothing to do with Jessie on the coaching side, and (b) what sort of growth Leanne has got - hopefully a small unobtrusive cyst rather than something serious!
Will.u.disappear had already beaten Jessie though, in the race to say something silly - which he did after Bo's song, when he referred to there being no "ostacle" rather than "obstacle". He'd then failed Maths as well as English, with his announcement after Leanne finished, that he was going to be 1000% honest. Nob.
Bo started off with an effort that was safe and suitable - Nothing Compares was so appropriate, because indeed nothing does compare to this show, and Reggie is also a Nothing Compere. Leanne came on and proved her voice is good, but I wished there could be a little less wailing and noise, and the obsession with singers (no, they are not fucking 'artists') going up and down the scales; singing 100 words involves 357 notes, apparently. However, she was okay. Then we had the disaster that was Tyler.
The lead-up to his song involved, necessarily, the picture of Amy Winehouse, and I groaned at the continued link and sob stories. Then he sang. Well, actually he wailed like fuck, possibly after having received a kick in the nuts by Tom Jones (?) so that the noise was high pitched and shit. Tyler warbled "I'll Be There" while I shouted "I Hope You Fucking Won't Be" at the TV. Jessie's grammatically flawed "We still haven't went out for dinner" was the most useless comment of the night (discounting everthing Reggie ever says, ever ever). Danny came out with: "You're basically dueting with yourself on stage" which I took to mean "you're wanking on stage". Fairly on-the-money, there, O'Danny Boy. However, he then said: "In rehearsals you sounded hoarse but now, crystal clear falsetto." I'd have preferred the horse singing!
Mrs MWSC then provided amusement with an observation from left field. "When Jessie J is just talking and doesn't have any make-up on, she looks like Gok Wan." Wonderful!
Vince came on to relay another complete mess of a song, singing too high, and throwing in a couple of "huh" noises - tourettes, I'd say. Jessie could not gush enough about him - verbally, not literally!
"There's a little famous saying: 'save the best till last'. I just have to say that Vince knows himself, he styles himself, he's talented, he's one of the nicest people I've met, he chooses his own clothes, he chooses his songs, he's strong . . . . " Apparently he's got more attachments than a Kenwood Chef, and even brushes his own teeth! And there's me thinking that all this is irrelevant in a show that claims "It's all about the fucking voice" although without the F-word. Danny then amazed me by admitting that he'd never heard of the song - 'Many Rivers To Cross'. Where's he been all his life? Ireland? Will.i.am.a.twit could say no more than "dope".
Reggie wasted a minute of my life before saying "Holly, it's back to you" and we were on to the duets. First up was the coming together of Bo and Danny. Despite their closeness and mutual respect, I don't think it was literal. Vocally, this was dreadful. Bo breathed and added some Irish noise to the mix, while Danny tried to rap - but struggled. His dancing was a cross between that of a leprechaun and Morrissey.
Afterwards, Danny managed his favourite mumbo-jumbo: "I wanted to paint her out in the best light."
Next to fill our screens was the combined mass of Tom Jones and Leanne, who sang "Mama Told Me" and I wished Mama had told them 'not to sing'. It was so middle of the road - which would have been the best place for them. Still, it could have been worse. I caught a glimpse of Will.i.bother looking bored, and then looking at his fucking phone.
Tyler & Will.ful.damage.to.ears
This was a car crash of a performance, and hilarious in its total and utter shittiness. Will has traded on kudos that he's never actually earned, and when asked to perform, he showed his inability in the singing department. Oh yes, he can play the fool, talk crap, and wear silly clothes. He can try to be some sort of guru, and create a reputation for being something 'special' - but he cannot sing. In fact, he has admitted this, and has to use autotune. Anyway, yesterday he managed to provide Tyler with no help at all, other than a great number of "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh" noises. Admittedly the song was one of the worst creations since thumbscrews, muesli or Pol Pot, but Will chose it! It was not just Usher shit, it was utter shit. Towards the end, when Will did say something other than "Oh" or "Ow", he was flat as hell. The flat shit (so a cowpat, then) was just dire. The sound should have been cut by the BBC, and 'Embarrassment' by Madness should have been played over the pictures. At the end, the three other judges remained seated - they'd all stood at the end of the preceding three efforts. That says a lot.
I like anagrams, so thought I'd look at the four pairings and see what they threw up, once I'd thrown up after the last of the four duets.
Bo + Danny = Any Bond? ['No' is the simple answer to that]
Vince + Jessie = Jive Scene Is . . ['What, better than this?' Too right]
Leanne + Tom = Mental One ['Who, Tom?']
Tyler + Willi.i.am = Lame - I Will Try ['Not hard enough, though']
After we'd heard Vince pronounce Wembley as 'Wem-ber-lee-stay-dee-erm' and Jessie tell us "Vince is ready to fly" [if he's kicked hard enough into the air, I'm sure he'd try] we were introduced to Ed Sheeran while votes were counted. Vince was booted - off rather than into the air.
After the remaining three had each sung his/her favourite song for us again, there was some pointless stuff from Reggie, and I sensed that Tyler was getting special treatment with his questions. Back to Holly, and we had a comment by each judge. Will and Tom, as below:
"In 2002 the UK changed my life by making 'Where is the love?' number one. In 2012 the UK changed my life with The Voice. You guys didn't have to accept me." Newsflash, Will - we haven't!
"In 1963, Decca Records . . . . . . . yawn . . . . . "
Maroon 5 sang something or other, at some point, but I am not commenting on it, as it was irrelevant, and anyway, "there is nothing maroon that's worthwhile" is a longstanding philosophy (and quote) of mine.
Then the judges sang each other's shit, with Will doing the least, of course. After a final final re-re-re-recap, it was time to end the wait, so Holly told us. After the newspaper articles in the week, including a centre page spread covering Bo and Vince and their respective plights, challenges, lives and sob stories, with no mention of Leanne, it was wonderful to witness Leanne getting the nod, and fucking up the manipulative twats who run things. The fact that this woman is probably lovely, but a cruise ship singer with little chance of selling many albums is irrelevant. The underdog bit the organisers. She's got an excellent voice, and so it is fitting that she was named the winner of The Voice UK. It's a shame though that whilst on this technicality she has won, there's not much chance of success for her style of music and singing.
The cost of all this? Apparently £22 - £24 million. Will's reported salary? £500,000. It's all about the invoice, eh? Maybe Will isn't 'dopey' then (?)
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