Today we have had the Men's Final of the grunting, arse picking, ball-bouncing, feet-tapping, face-wiping and tennis-playing Championship. In terms of grunting, it was an even match; both Nadal and Djokovic managed to make a lot of noise, although clearly neither was able to surpass the 'Sharapova Shriek' level.
Nadal was a clear winner when it came to picking his underpants from the crack of his arse. He's a master at this, and from the first game he was off to a flyer. His fingers were never away from his arse for more than 15 seconds (excluding the time he was actually in a rally).
Bouncing of the ball has become a real art form, and the two top seeds managed to keep things very competitive. The typical serve from both players was preceded by an episode involving between 8 and 22 bounces of the ball, with an average of 14. As a result, the spectacle today involved a total of 13,329 bounces.
Both players managed an even number of whacks to the soles of their trainers. The head of a tennis raquet doubles up as a useful tool for dislodging molecules that attach themselves to the rubber soles, and with equal venom, Djokovic and Nadal applied themselves to the task of feet-hitting, avoiding the much weaker approach of feet-tapping.
Face-wiping (for the purposes of this comment) is to be combined with wiping of the forearms and biceps - somethig practised by Nadal to the point of obsession. It is clear that where Wimbledon brings out the worst in players, in France there is slightly less of a need to wipe. Yes, there was much use of the towel, but the breezy conditions meant a reduced reliance on extra wipes between points, and excessive piss-taking directed at the ball boys at the rear of the court.
Commentary
In the studio yesterday, John Inverdale was in discussion with Lindsay Davenport and Jim Courier, and looking ahead to today's match. Lindsay's repeated mispronunciation of "Djokovic" caused John Inverdale to correct her (and Jim). The Joke - oh - vitch approach was kicked into touch in favour of the proper way of saying the bloke's name. The comment from Jim Courier was priceless:
"We can't speak the language and can't pronounce the names - why are we even here, John?"
Jim corrected the pronunciation of Djokovic but managed to retain much of his propensity for odd pronunciation, displaying during the commentary of the Men's Final a few brilliant examples. Perhaps the oddest was his insistence that the shortened form of 'Rafael' should be pronounced Rarfer, so that it rhymed with 'Arthur'. I cannot explain this, especially when Americans tend to do the opposite for France, and insist on having a short 'a' so that it rhymes with 'pants'. He also commented that the weather was 'breezy' and then that the court wasn't 'greasy', making them rhyme! Jim also managed to waffle on about Djokovic claiming "real estate" at the back of the court - what shit! Nick Mullins was the main match commentator, and between the two of them, they managed some weird comments:
"He carries a large petrol tank around with him." [Nick, ref Djokovic]
"There are no coaches to confer with, no caddies on the court with you." [Jim]
"Novak Djokovic is on the bus." [Nick]
"Djokovic is beginning to write some of his own lines." [Nick]
"Any athlete at peak doesn't have anything in their mind." [Jim]
"They must come over the net like a yellow banana." [Nick, ref Nadal's shots]
With the football (Spain v Italy) offering more entertainment, I switched channels, and left the grunting, picking, bouncing, wiping and foot-tapping. The stoppages for rain made the whole process of juggling viewing (catching up with the situation at half-time) very awkward.
As rain has now dictated a conclusion of the match tomorrow, I am puzzled. If extra time to finish the final is allocated such that play starts at 12 noon tomorrow (Monday) then why the fuck wasn't play started a bit earlier today? It makes little sense to start at 3pm; Paris is hardly on the equator, and so the light will at a time which can be planned for. If they'd started at say 1pm, or even 2pm, it would have helped rather a lot.
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