19.6.12 Half a Yard

For the very first time, Andy Townsend had the perfect opportunity to use his favourite unit of measurement with complete accuracy and appropriateness - and he didn't take his chance.  Yes, Wayne Rooney scored from "half a yard".

The build up to this game centred massively on Wayne Rooney; in this morning's paper, I read some shit that likened him to Pele, for fuck's sake!  I watched just before the game started an advert with Wayne looking at the camera [I would have said "meaningfully" but clearly that could not apply to him] and declaring it was his time.  Articles in papers, online and comments in interviews all suggested that Wayne was the saviour.  He was shit tonight.  The only think he did all game that was worthwhile was stand near the goal so that the deflected cross from Gerrard could present itself to Wayne's head as it (the ball - well, Wayne as well, actually) loitered near the goal.  So, scoring a goal that any self-respecting ten-year-old could have knocked over the line seems to have been enough.

At the other end, we should have come a cropper, but luckily managed to escape accountability after chasing the ball well into the Ukraine half and getting caught on the break.  Yes, we were up by a goal and were supposed to be taking advantage of catching Ukraine on the break as they pushed forward, but instead England managed to flip that around.  Terry is too slow to be a defender, but I suppose we're expected to be thankful that he hoiked the ball off the line.  Actually, that's a misrepresentation, as we all saw; he hoiked it away from just behind the goal line, in clear view of the 17th official and 50,000 spectators.  With silly numbers of FIFA officials, headphones and walkie talkies, and flags, it still proved that only proper technology can give a proper verdict in a situation like this.

Steven Gerrard managed to collect a yellow card for jumping with a leading elbow.  How he could moan after being booked is a mystery, and someone should have warned him that he was not in a nightclub and that he needed to behave.  I was amazed at the Jamie Carragher comment afterwards, when he said "it was a simple clash of heads".  No, you twat, it was an elbow - heads did not touch.  Strangely, Andy Carroll did the same thing late in the game but escaped a booking for no good reason.

So, a pretty dire performance that was not good entertainment.  'Job done' is all that can be said, and I fear that we are living on borrowed time.  Describing Wayne as 'rusty', Carragher was not critical enough.  I think Adrian Chiles should stop being a twat with comments to the studio guests that centre on England winning the competition.  We won the game, but it was no resounding success, and if you take away the ten seconds when he tapped the ball over the line, Wayne was not a saviour at all, but rusty as sin; has he been screwing around in the rain?  I maintain that only a headless chicken would have been unable to score that goal from no more than half a yard.

...