I was struck with a bit of misfortune today. The first element was the necessity to get up at 4.45am, and set off on a long journey at 5.15am. Such an early start is fortunately a rarity, so my disposition was not unduly affected, despite only sleeping for four hours. The real misfortune surrounded what was available on the car stereo.
For reasons that I won't go into, I was using a loan car from the garage, and was unfamiliar with the Suzuki Swift's controls relating to the radio. Whatever I did, including step by step manual searching, it seemed to delight in not providing me with any decent reception on any channel - until I found just the one pre-set channel via FM2. The third channel was Radio 1. I had no idea what to expect at 5.30am, but I soon discovered the bollocks available.
Like the backend of a DJ's session at a shit nightclub, I discovered the 'talents' of someone called Reggie, who managed to annoy the fuck out of me. These days, no one seems allowed to have a look at anything, listen to anything or consider anything; no, it is now apparently com-fuckin-pulsory to "check it out". Relentless drivel seems to be available only in voice-over form, that is, Reggie talking shit over background music that is better described as non-musical noise at grating levels of annoyance. I was hit with the usual Radio 1 insistence on the echo-effect for many useless snippets. I was with Elvis on this one ['We're Caught In A Trap'] and had no other options on the listening front. This tripe on Radio 1 was awful, and I was losing the will to live. If this is what the youngsters of today are subjected to, then I have little hope for the future of mankind in the UK. It was less of: "By The Time I Get To Phoenix She'll Be Rising" and much more: "By The Time I Get To Derby, I'll Be Doo-cuntin-lally!"
I wasn't going to Derby, but south on the M1, and estimated that around the Derby area would be when my head exploded. Luckily, at 6.30am, Chris Moyles came on and saved the day. I can honestly say (and will ensure I log this vital piece of information) that pre-6.30am, there is no point in turning on the Radio if there's a chance that Radio 1 is likely to come through the speakers.
Before I finish, a word about the nauseating delivery of news via the Newsbeat segments. At regular intervals, these suck brain cells from your head and dispose of them without you realising. The repetitive shit this morning meant chances to be bombarded with shit from illiterate cunts.
"Many teenagers didn't realise that your boyfriend or girlfriend can abuse you as well as a stranger."
Read this sentence a couple of times - you'll realise that apparently there are multiple meanings from such a badly constructed sentence.
1) The Boyfriend/Girlfriend is able to abuse strangers as well as having a go at you.
2) The Boyfriend/Girlfriend is competent at abuse and can match the performance of a stranger who decides to have a go at you.
The further line from the newscaster was: "Many don't think rape counts as assault." Well, to my mind, rape counts as fucking rape! The word 'assault' is too general, and sounds rather less traumatic and terrible than 'rape'. This wordplay bollocks all shows how cuntin thick people at Radio 1 are.
So, in summary:
a) Wait for Chris Moyles, before tuning to Radio 1 in the mornings.
b) Ignore all news bulletins.
c) Always have a CD with you when travelling.
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