The weekly TV Guide presents me with an opportunity to consider the various offerings, and this week I have highlighted a few of my observations.
Saturday
6.15pm BBC1 - Pointless Celebrities
The title of this programme is absolutely perfect; rarely does any title properly reflect the nature of the show and the attributes of the participants, so it is wonderful to see this entry for the early evening. The 'Pick Of The Day' section provides a small write-up on this 55 minutes of tosh, as follows:
In this special edition, Alexander Armstrong questions a gaggle of celebrities who will be hoping to win a bundle of cash for their chosen charities. Among the competitors are Penny Smith and Jon Culshaw, Monica Galetti and Michel Roux Jr, and Christopher Biggins and Lesley Joseph.
What utter bollocks. These are, in the main, most certainly 'pointless celebrities'. When did the collective noun for celebrities become 'gaggle' then?
9.20pm ITV1 - The Jonathan Ross Show
The host subjects another trio of celebrity guests to no-holds-barred questioning.
No he fucking doesn't! He sucks up to three visiting celebrities who are plugging something, makes the whole hour more about him than them, and tries relentlessly to introduce a sexual innuendo on each and every topic of discussion. As for 'questioning', he tends to ask more than one question at once, and then get in first with the replies, so that we get his version of the answers. Tit.
Sunday
10:00am BBC2 - Something For The Weekend
This programme contained a completely shit section presented in a completely shit way on how we might consider buying three shit things. One of the shit things was a popcorn maker at a cost of £100. Fucking pathetic!
5.00pm BBC2 - Songs Of Praise
Inspired by the story of Noah's Ark, Aled Jones visits a zoo and introduces hymns and songs in celebration of Creation.
This entry is hilarious! I dare not say any more, as the whole concept for the programme is pure gold, and this one sentence is divine.
6.00pm BBC2 - I'm In A Boy Band
Contributions come from members of the Four Tops, the Jackson Five and One Direction. If we had some input from the Three Little Pigs and Tupac, that would give us 5-4-3-2-1.
9.00pm BBC1 - Upstairs Downstairs
Have a go at my multiple choice questions, and see how you do.
Having learnt she can't have any more children, Lady Agnes throws herself into
a) Hosting a dinner party
b) The path of a bus
c) The River Thames
Meanwhile, Lady Persie finds herself in a
a) Perilous situation
b) Penniless situation
c) Brothel
Sadly, the answer in both cases is a) but any of the other options would, I feel, have provided for better viewing, or in my case, some viewing at all!
Monday
12.15pm Channel 5 - The Removal Men: Pickfords
A 76-yard house-move proves surprisingly troublesome.
Does this really warrant an hour of our fucking lives?
3.10pm FILM: Channel 5 - Killer Flood: The Day The Dam Broke
I wonder what this could be about?
6.30pm BBC2 - My Life In Books
Anne Robinson asks a brace of celebs to reveal their favourite books, and explain why they are so important to them.
Since when do celebrities come in 'braces' then? What complete misuse of a term, and I am talking about this word rather than my usual criticism of the use of 'celebrities' for well-known people. The abbreviated 'celebs' is cringeworthy.
Tuesday
10.00am BBC1 - Homes Under The Hammer
Properties in Somerset, Dover and Norfolk.
Why there is more specificity with the second location (instead of saying 'Kent') I don't quite understand. More of a shame is that this programme is not about demolition, but auctions.
11.30am BBC1 - Cowboy Trap
A couple in Ipswich whose house was ruined.
I kid you not; this is indeed the line used to tell us about the programme. It is not a sentence. It makes no sense at all, and I am asking (with little interest, I must say) "What about the couple in Ipswich, whose house was ruined?"
2.15pm BBC2 - Weakest Link
Back-stabbing general knowledge quiz.
This description is misleading; if only the offering did include back-stabbing, because this would make it much more entertaining!
7.30pm ITV1 - River Monsters
Jeremy Wade enlists the supernatural help of a local witch doctor to catch a specimen of the ferocious Goliath tiger fish in the Congo River.
I think that Jeremy should 'wade' in, and stay there - leave these fucking fish be, you nuisance!
Wednesday
2.00pm ITV1 - Dickinson's Real Deal
Dickinson and the team visit Swindon, Wiltshire, where the best deal of the day is a gold charm bracelet.
What a dire summary of what would like to suck from you a whole hour of your life. I don't need to be told Swindon is in Wiltshire, thank you, and a gold charm bracelet is a fucking gold charm bracelet - it's not a deal! The selling of it at a certain price might well make it a good deal for someone, but you cannot say the bracelet itself is a deal.
Thursday
5.15pm BBC1 - Pointless
Quiz show hosted by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman.
This entry nicely compliments Saturday's one regarding the celebrity version. The TV Guide is set out so that there is no line break, and so it reads "Pointless Quiz show . . . . . "
Friday
8.00pm BBC2 - Mastermind
Specialist subjects include Queen Victoria's family and the sitcom Porridge.
What a weird contrast and a sad reflection on what society now has to accept as laudable.
8.00pm Channel 5 - Eddie Stobart: Trucks And Trailers
This programme is laughable, with the way it builds up drama and suspense over trivial matters. Delivery blokes with big vehicles move around the roads, doing their jobs. The 'Pick Of The Day' section notes an intriguing part of this week's hour-long haul [see what I did there?]
Lee has to drive seven miles from the northwest London depot. And he's doing that three times a day, for two whole days, in order to pick up no fewer than 64 boxes. Haulage doesn't get tougher than this.
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