19.3.12 Ask Anna @ Ikea

Yesterday, I tried to establish options regarding some shopping at Ikea I'm planning.  Quite simply, I was hoping to find out whether I could arrange in advance a hire van, rather than try and sort it out at the store on the actual day.  The mild complication came from the fact that the store is the one in Malaga.  Still, with a massive British presence in and around Malaga, and in view of the fact that the EU is supposedly one big happy family, I approached the task with a positive attitude.  This was, of course, short fucking lived, because dealing with a Swedish company selling in Spain to an Englishman supported by website information in 'IT Speak' was doomed from the start.  It should not have been, considering the ease with which internet communication functions in the modern age - but I had not reckoned on two things: (1) The fact that the telephone number for the store was not shown, and (2) The existence of Anna.

I logged on to the Ikea website, selected 'Malaga' and switched the language to the 'English' option.  So far so good.  I checked out some information, and hire vans are available, but there's no mechanism to book, or reserve.  As a result, I had a question, and sought to establish how I could get an answer.  An icon suggested that 'Anna' might be able to help, although the functionality of the main link on the same page as the hire van icon was buggered.  Then I noticed at the top a further 'Ask Anna' option.  The issue for me was that the Q&A was to be conducted in Spanish.  I therefore opened a new tab, brought up the Google Translation service, and messed about for a bit, copying and pasting some questions, and translating from the Spanish back to the English to evaluate answers.  However, I decided I was not getting far enough (anywhere, actually) and so thought it best to conduct this interchange via an English-speaking Anna.  So, via the UK website for Ikea, I proceeded to submit my questions.  The details below are exactly what happened.

TMWSC:  Is the 'Anna' facility operated in Spain in the same way as it is for the UK?

Anna:  Pleased to meet you 'Anna'.

TMWSC:  Can vans be hired for the day at the store?

Anna:  Excellent.  I can provide you with the driving instructions to your local store.  What is the name of the store you want to visit?  [I rather thought that it was me who should be asking the questions!]

I then had the option of entering another question in the box, or commenting on the response, as the line below the response was:

Was the answer helpful?  Yes  No

I decided to advise that it wasn't by clicking on the 'No' option, but the next input from Anna was hardly relevant as a way of moving things forward.

Anna:  I'm sorry, I don't know which store you mean.  I am opening a list of stores; which store will you be visiting?  I can provide you with driving instructions to your local store.  What is the name of the store you want to visit?

TMWSC:  Is this a waste of time?

Anna:  I didn't understand.

TMWSC:  Are you stupid?

Anna:  My on-board systems report that all my systems are working perfectly.  [I considered this to be a flawed/biased view, as it's hardly fair unless there's an independent analysis!]  What would you like to know about Ikea?

TMWSC:  Can I book a hire van in advance, for the Malaga store?

Anna:  Currently we only have hire van service available for Ikea Cardiff, Ikea Wembley and Ikea Dublin.  [I was instantly miffed, not on account of the missing 'a' between 'hire' and 'van' or the alternative of a missing 's' on the end of 'service', either of which would have made this a proper sentence.  No, I was miffed because Anna was more than willing to comment about a fucking store in Ireland but was clearly anti-Spanish].  In all other Ikea stores we offer 2 types of delivery service and the charges differ as follows:

(1) Home delivery applies to those items that

For some strange reason, that was as far as she got with the pointless explanation of something that was irrelevant.  I was now reaching a level of frustration that was exceeding that experienced during the assembling of a flat-packed Trojan Horse!

TMWSC:  Is the Spanish Anna as thick as you?

Anna:  I am Anna, the Online Assistant.

TMWSC:  But you don't assist at all!

Anna:  I'm sorry, it's possible I may have misinterpreted what it was you said.  Please try and ask your question in a different way.

TMWSC:  Are you ever of any real assistance?

Anna:  I am a 'Bot'; my name is Anna, and my task is to provide you with online help about Ikea.  [I was completely at odds with Anna over this message, and had a rather different impression of what her reply could (and should) have been - ie. "I am a Cunt called Anna, whose task is to wind you up and be a useless cuntin' bitch and reveal fuck all about Ikea"

TMWSC:  Can you self-destruct?

Anna:  Unfortunately, unless it's relevant to Ikea in some way, I can't get involved.  [You pompous cunt!  You're managing quite well to not get involved in anything to do with Ikea.]

TMWSC:  Are you always this successful at being useless?

Anna:  Please try and talk to me about Ikea, that's why I am here.  [Cunt.]

TMWSC:  Can Ikea help with information in advance of me shopping at a store?

Anna:  If you would like assistance during your visit to Ikea, please call your local store where one of my helpful co-workers will be able to help you.

Yøu are ä Fücking Cuñt, Annå.

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