Zoe Tyler
Apparently a voice coach. Even if she's a good one, how the fuck is that qualification for celebrity status? Never heard of her and glad of it, but all good things come to an end, so now I am hoping not to remember her after this posting.
Charlie Baker
Never heard of him, and hope never to again. Useless all round really. Allegedly a comedian, but said nothing funny, was shit at the course, and had a silly grin most of the time - more than his audience is ever likely to get, I suggest.
Nicola T
Never heard of her; apparently a model (who isn't these days!). She was introduced as "a tabloid favourite". Ha! She flapped her arms in a pointless way, to match everything else about her presence on Wipeout, and in tabloids (allegedly) and when she said to Amanda Byram "I don't really know what I'm doing here" I couldn't have agreed more with her.
Derek Redmond
I perhaps should have heard of him, or remembered him, but neither was the case. He was once upon a time an athlete. Clearly that qualifies him as a 'celebrity' which is bollocks of course, and what's worse than all of this is the fact that he was completely shit at the Wipeout course. Get back to your rocking chair, Derek.
Connie Fisher
At last - someone I'd heard of. She is arguably a celebrity now, and I was (and remain) prepared to concede, or at least give the benefit of any doubt. However, I'm not sure she does a lot in the entertainment world any more (?) and she proved herself to have lost the plot somewhat, displaying strange behaviour. I think she was on something (probably Adelvice).
Tony Mortimer
Again, not a fucking clue had I, but the helpful intro included the strapline "out of E17", and was the only really helpful thing Hammond had said up until then. I say 'helpful' but I could have gladly remained ignorant. I wondered whether the next celebrity would be announced as 'Midge' [no, not Midge Ure, but "out of Mary, Mungo and Midge"].
Ellie Crisell
Apparently she reads out some news on the BBC, but not to me so far. Having never seen her, I doubted her 'celebrity' status immediately. If she reads the news, then she's a fucking newsreader, NOT a celebrity! When she straightened her hair halfway round the course, I realised she was a complete waste of time. Drip.
Laura Hamilton
Introduced as a "daredevil presenter" I vaguely recognised her, and then realised she'd been on Dancing On Ice a year ago (or was it two?). I think that's the problem with some so-called celebrities; they are only known for being on celebrity editions of various programmes, and no one can ever really understand how they got to be classed as one in the first place.
Steven Arnold
This was 'Ashley' from Coronation Street. Yes, I agree, he left well over a year ago, killed off in the tram crash. So, what he's doing hanging around in Argentina and appearing on Wipeout is beyond me. I thought his pathetic appearance on Dancing On Ice was the last I'd see of him. I wondered if he was actually getting an airing an hour early on the BBC, and should instead have been appearing on The Voice!
Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards
He is of course known to us all, and whilst he was our best ever ski-jumper, he was really known for being so lowly in the world rankings - many years ago. The irony was not lost on me when he turned out to be the best contestant by a mile. Fair play to you Eddie.
So there you have it, a rabble that's basically a collection of shitty wanabees, once wases, never wases, could nevereverbes, and fuckin'aints. My own level of endurance (from my sofa) was not high. After seeing the ten contestants complete the obstacle course in the first round, I realised that Eddie (who was a minute and a half quicker than anyone else) should be applauded, and everyone else turned into corned beef. I have no idea if he won in the end, and will not be researching the subject. I would like to see Richard Hammond removed from the programme, and taken to a place where he can be incarcerated forever, a place with sound-proofing so that not even passing seagulls can hear his drivel. That would leave Amanda Byram to present on her own, and improve the programme exponentially.
Total Wipeout, Total Farce, Total Waste of Time.
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