Strictly Come Dancing
The result of tonight's show was never going to be anything other than Sunetra Sarker leaving, and this was exactly what happened. Alfie Boe, or Haribo sang something rather too slowly to be any good, though just about fucking recognisable. Andre Rieu was on TV when I was in the kitchen, and this was my intended approach to the unnecessary padding. Tess Daly managed to annoy, and demonstrated "Ugly In Pink" as a facet of the show.
X-Factor
The show was opened by a tribute act, "Queen with somebody-or-other". It was actually the members of the old Queen together with a replacement for Freddie Mercury (as if there could be one!) called Adam Lambert. I am sure he's a nice enough chap, and he can certainly sing, but not being Freddie Mercury is a handicap that he will never overcome.
"You're everybody's favourite Italian teddy bear," said the Elf, regarding Andrea Faustini. I must advise all readers that I have never had in my life any "favourite Italian" nor a "favourite teddy bear" and so I've most emphatically got every reason to dispute Louis's claim that Andrea is my "favourite Italian teddy bear" for fuck's sake! The four chaps served as a warning to any other group that this is how it could end, unless hari kari is taken as a more appropriate option by the members.
Union J wasted four minutes of my life.
"You got it all," they sang. Yes, but I did not fucking want it! Could you not have given me rather less . . . like fuck all?
In the break, I was offered the Union J single for £2.99. What a cheek, and about four quid too cuntin much! There was a One Direction dvd then touted, with them in concert. I shuddered and then regained by senses as the screen flicked away from anything to do with 1D. This was all followed by yet another fucking advert for ITV.Be, the channel full of shit that I have purposely never tuned into for a reason. That does not stop me having to deal with the onslaught of shitty self-promoting trailers provided by the cunts in charge at ITV.
Andrea was pronounced safe. Mel was pleased, and clumped off stage like the Sasquatch.
Fleur was pronounced safe.
Sadly Ben was pronounced safe.
This left Lauren to sing against the Stereo Cocks.
Ella Henderson sang for us and proved that she is a star, and so much better than the competition has produced this year.
Lauren sang extremely well, while Cheryl PotNoodle-Linguini managed to frown most of the way through it. There was no way that the eight Stereo Cocks would better that. They warbled, taking turns to annoy me. They managed to sing out of tune with some dodgy harmonies, and proved that juggling input from eight wannabes is not easy, especially for the likes of Louis Walsh.
Predictably, Louis saved the boys and then Mel decided to annoy me more than the Stereo Cocks! She saved the Cocks, and I have decided she needs to fuck off permanently. Cheryl PerPicker-PerPenguin saved her own act, of course. Lauren sang the best, so Simon voted to save her, meaning a 'deadlock' situation. Teenage girls with overactive cunting thumbs therefore had a chance to have their way and save the Cocks. BUT - they were all busy eating pizzas and squeezing their spots, and their fingers and especially their thumbs were to slippery to get their texts registered. Justice, then, as Lauren made it through to next week.
What a great outcome. This will probably be taken as success by the deluded and deranged Elf, who has embraced senility this year with a passion.
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