Pretending to give/have a shit
When Cheryl HerBlandness-VerTweedy decided to "award" Simon one Stevi Ritchie as a wild card, I suspect she was hoping to saddle him with a pointless addition to his existing line-up. Now, after many weeks of torture, I find it rather amusing that her attempt to be of little genuine help to Simon has seen Stevi stay in the running while her team of four has dwindled to just one. Quite laughably, Stevi is now, going into tonight's show, set to be in 6th place at very worst; not bad for a chap that simply cannot fucking sing, eh?
Dermotitis gave us his little golf stroke and kick of the leg, before introducing the four squabbling judges. After a pointless ramble of an introduction, he announced the arrival on stage of "the finalists". These comprised five separate singers, and then another eight kids to boost the numbers. They all sang something about "Saturday" on this Sunday evening, and proved the irrelevance of anything they do.
The recap reminded us that Ben needs a bloody good cough, that Andrea can wail till the cows come home, that Fleur is the best entertainer, that Stevi is still fucking here, and that Stereo Kicks are cocks. Sadly Corsodyl Vodka-Martini discovered that despite a throat infection, she could still speak when for once, miming would have been okay.
Labrinth is a nice guy, and somehow agreed to appear on the programme, as a nice interlude in the dross that is served to us all by ITV.
"I can wriggle without worries. Up to 100% leak protection," I learned, from the Always advert. The "up to" element of the claim was rather worrying, I suspect, for any women on a period, as that could mean 1% - and an unwanted appearance of Simply Red (is there any other kind?).
The Olly Murs advert for the new album "Never Been Better" was rather an inaccurate claim, in my opinion!
Dermotitis announced the results were in, and we were reintroduced to the judges. Stereo Cocks were safe, we learned, just before Fleur was given the all clear. Ben got through, and left Stevi, Andrea and Lauren to sweat while we had to survive yet another advert break and take that just ahead of Take That. Unfortuntely we had to endure, first, the mug of Bob Geldof yet again, warbling about his awful Band Aid song. See my post called "There Was An Old Woman" if you need any further information.
"I'm Shit," said Gary
The three blokes left in Take Tha' managed to mumble their collective way through a pathetic load of tosh, which included "when you live in the world" as if there is anywhere else to live. The dire dancing was below the standard occasionally displayed by Dermot at the beginning of the show. This bollocks completely proves that the quality of anything is irrelevant if performed by people who've already "made it". Barlow has now lost any possible warrant to have an opinion on would-be pop stars, after this mundane cuntishness! Sit DOWN, judges, unless you've got cunting piles!
Back to the result (the reason for tonight' show!) and we learned that Lauren was safe. This left a sing-off between Andrea and Stevi. Hmmm . . . . that'll be close. Now, THAT, Alanis Morisette, is sarcasm, and NOT irony. The only interest here was going to come from whether Simon Cowell would be losing all integrity and voting for Stevi.
Andrea sang 'Stop' and Stevi came next to try for the first time to sing something, even though it was a crap song. "This is the moment" he sang, and I thought yes, time for a piss. Chernobyl Fajitas-Panini fucking stood up and clapped! Mel mentioned giving him 'props' twice, and I couldn't for the life of me work out what props he used during the performance other than the microphone.
The two women saved Andrea, and Simon was called upon to vote. "You are the one who showed the most passion," said Cowell, and tried to work into the mix some sort of cuntish basis for allowing his vote to go to Stevi. Integrity BLOWN to cunting smithereens. We were left with the Elf and I nervously awaited his input. Fortunately he opted to save Andrea.
6th Place for Stevi, then.
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