This X-Factor Rigmarole is getting so boring, and predictable. In fact, it is as steady and formulaic as a shipping forecast, hence the informative picture above. Even the bickering judges are cunting predictably bickering. Obviously Dermotitis prevails in dire form.
Andrea Faustini
He was so middle of the road, appealing to women of a certain age who knit. I am sure he will get jumpers donated to him from these fans. Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, Forties
Lauren Platt
She sang 'Smile', a shit song that makes an outing every fucking year. The only thing less interesting would have been a version of 'One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus'. I doubt Lauren is the next Lena Martell. Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger
Jay James
He managed 'New York, New York' and bored the the arse off me. What was the point of this performance. Fisher, German Bight, Humber, Thames
Stereo Cocks
The Dublin Primary School 'milk monitors' were sadly not under the knife, and instead sang Mack The Knife. At break time, they were at least able to each get a Penguin from the packet, with one left for Louis. Dover, Wight, Portland, Plymouth
Ben Haenow
Cry Me A River, and this almost brought me to tears. I suspect my dislike of this style of music is contributing to the boredom. Biscay, Trafalgar, FitzRoy, Sole
Only The Young
Jungle Book shit, by the kids' party entertainers, with some line dancing in the middle. "You know who you are," said Mel. Thanks, Mel, for this wonderful insight. "That was so much fun," said VerTweedy. [No it fucking wasn't]. Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea
Stevi Ritchie
Dire, shit, fucking awful. The monotone sent me into a trance. A complete mess. "I don't get it," said Mel, in a pining northern accent. Cheryl said something unintelligible about "fun". Mel then said something about his performance, ending with "I get it," proving her contradictory stance. "One of the worst performances ever," said Simon. Shannon, Rockhall, Malin, Hebrides
Fleur East
A more interesting performance than the others, and for this reason, I suggest her effort tonight was the best of a bunch, even if it was not a surprise. Well done. "I have to give you props," said VerTwaddle. Bailey, Fair Isle, Faeroes, Southeast Iceland
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