Thank goodness we'll not have to experience Donny Osmond ever again. Sadly the same cannot be said of Tess Daly, who assaults my ears with venom. Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I recall with mild fondness previous series when her input was less prominent, but then I come to my senses and give thanks for the absence of Bruce Forsyth.
Twelve "celebrities" appear before us, along with Judy Murray, whom by any stretch of the definition, is NOT any sort of "celebrity". Without any sort of stand on this matter, we could be saddled with the mother of any doting mother of a sportsman or sportswoman, and that is simply a ludicrous proposition. Anyway, here's with the type-as-I-watch approach.
Frankie
Some worrying timing issues, despite her having most of the moves, and being very easy to watch. Pretty good overall, though, and destined to get far. 32/40 and a fair result.
Mark Wright
"Last week was an out of body experience," he said on the VT. Of his Nan, he said "She's a good critique", meaning "critic" of course. I think Mark is best when he sticks to not speaking at all. Running in a big circle to start of the Quick-Step reminded me of a junior school kid in the egg-and-spoon-race. When the prancing and skipping started, I lost interest completely. Not very good, and he looked uncomfortable all the way through that. "A lot of trotting," said Len. Well said, and he was the only one of the four judges who mentioned this. 29/40 was fair enough, I suppose.
Judy Murray
The input from Andy Murray was clearly designed to gain some sort of boost in the ratings, and support for this awful joke. When the dancing started, and Anton flung her across the floor, she literally went all over the place, and Anton was struggling not to piss himself. Judy's movements were lazy and unfinished. "Your natural stiffness came in very handy," said Craig. The whole thing, including the judges' comments, was amusing, even if the dancing was poor, a fact that was mainly ignored! 22/40 was okay.
Simon Webbe
The token entrant from Blue did quite well this week. (I wonder how well Antony Costa from Blue will do later this week on some other programme - I think it's a quiz or a cookery show. It's not like any of the four chaps from Blue is unavailable, eh?) The dance was good, and took a lot of stamina. This week, Kristina was wearing more clothes than usual, so maybe she will antagonise fewer of the female viewers this week; this was Katie Hopkins' view in The Sun yesterday. 31/40 was fine.
Alison Hammond
Sorry, whether it is politically correct or not, I just cannot view this 'samba' with any sense of enjoyment, and a woman that big trying to wobble in time to Beyonce music is slightly embarrassing. The audience clapped, but where does the patronising stop and appreciation truly begin? 27/40 was a bit generous.
Scott Mills
My disinterest in Scott Mills has been superseded by uninterest. Hopefully you'll appreciate the subtle difference. His dancing was lame, and he has the oomph of a damp peanut, discarded in an ashtray.
Bruno: "You have all of the pieces but nothing fits together; that takes some doing."
Craig: "You are an exception to the rule that anyone can learn to dance."
Tess: "Never mind, we all loved it." TWAT. 15/40 was fair.
Steve Somebody-or-Other
Unsurprisingly, Ola was worthy of 10/10, but he was pretty good himself! 27/40 was a bit stingy from the judges.
Pixie Lott
Excellent. Perhaps not technically so, but certainly a connection was there, and that's usually the main part of the problem for contestants. 32/40 was not generous, but okay.
Tim Wonnacott
Last week's disastrous effort managed to escape its comeuppance for reasons that only the antique-obsessed twats in the UK can explain. He is a really nice chap, but that's not what is supposed to be the basis for the marks and votes! This week's effort was a fucking further disaster. "I love him to bits, but I'd never waste a phone call on him," said Mrs MWSC. "You looked like a mildly irritated goat," said Bruno. "Limp, lame, lacklustre," said Craig. 19/40 says it all.
Sunetra
What a really good workout that was! I wish Daly could pronounce 'Salsa' properly. 27/40.
Thom Evans
The obligatory rugby player did well enough. 30/40 was mildly stingy, mainly as Craig should have given a 7 not a 6.
Jake
A few hiccups this time, and in places, rather ungainly. A mixture of very good and going for it, and a bit messy. 33/40 was good.
Caroline Flack
Really good, despite the odd mistake, and she is clearly a good dancer. 33/40 was okay.
Is the result depending, then, on the numbers of voters in the various camps:
Tim Wonnacott has the daytime TV antiques crowd
Scott Mills has his radio listeners
Judy Murray has no one, but vicariously benefits from Andy Murray supporters
Simon Webbe has no one who gives a monkey's about Blue
...
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