Louis has lost half of his acts, and thus manages to match the remains of his brain. We are off and running on the second of the live shows. Cheryl came on wearing the outer layer of a leek, and I took one before I was set for some piss poor performances.
Kermit / CCTV
Jack Walton
Jack Walton obliged with the first piss poor performance, and seemed incapable of pronouncing more than half of the words in the fucking song. He'd not heard of Paula Abdul's song, and demonstrated a complete disinterest in learning it! Louis decided that "Paula would love that version of the song". I dis-a-fucking-gree! "Not the best vocal," said Simon. True. Mel B sucked his cock, and "well-bloody-done" from her was hardly appropriate, let alone accurate. TMWSC = Jack Shit
Stephanie Nala
I was not expecting much at all, and was rewarded with no more than I expected. Diabolical, and an insult to Blondie in every respect. Lightweight shit, if ever there was shit served up on a talent show. Her wobbling and warbling was embarrassment, completely. This sounded dire. "So much better than last week," said Louis. TWAT and LIAR. "It was a million times better than last week," said Simon. TWAT and LIAR. However, he then said she seemed to be half asleep and that worked for me. Cheryl tried and failed to provide any constructive comments about her pathetic act. Cheryl Cole Tweedy Versini [CCTV] was more lightweight than Stephanie! Stephanie confirmed she just wanted to "have fun" and on that basis, she can fuck off.
Andrea Faustini
Simply an excellent singer who will be in the final. "Even when he's getting it in the neck, he's lovely," said Dermotitis, after Simon provided some constructive criticism.
Lauren Platt
Whatever comes next, this is the performance of the night, and he should be a finalist with Andrea.
Ben Haenow
This chap has to be careful about the wailing ballad fixation, and the desperation that creeps into songs. "I friggin loved it," said Mel B, pushing her limits to this side (just) of the swearing line. A solid performance, and Mel B was o the money, while smug Simon was a nuisance with his comment. Simon, that was not "the best performance so far" because Lauren was just ahead of him!
Fleur East
Professional as ever, and she is another one who should last for some time in this competition.
School Assembly
I know that's not their name, but the rabble that formed a version of a school assembly was weaker than a paraplegic arm wrestler. Singalong shit that marks them out (all eight of them) as run-of-the-mill. Mrs MWSC has just confirmed that "Stereo Kicks" is the real name of the ensemble, not that I give a shit. Squealing girls in the audience can piss off as well. "We're not One Direction," said one of the eight musketeers, and on that point he was so right. I think that as a collective, the 8 of them are North, South, East, West, Northeast, Northwest, Southeast, and Southwest.
Lola Saunders
'Imagine' is a tired song for X-Factor. How boring. The extra 'h' in front of vowels did nothing for the pronunciation. Shit song choice, wailing, mispronunciation and general malaise. "Fishmonger to Legend" is not quite believable, Mel B. Kermit said something about an angel.
Jake Quickenden
"I don't want to be the person who just looks good." Conceited, Jake? The performance was mediocre.
Chloe Jasmine
It seems that Chloe has a single ability, which is to sing in a certain style, having taken a song and created a slower version of it. It's good, yes, but limited rather.
Paul Akister
I am flagging now, and forgot this bloke existed until his name cropped up as yet another act to watch. The "quack" sound in his vocals shone through, as usual. He has a great voice, yet makes lesser use of it than seems sensible or possible. Formulaic and middle-of-the-road.
I was just thinking this fucking programme was over and then not only is there Jay still to come, but Stevi G pops up!
Stevi G
Singing a Rick Astley song, Stevi demonstrated that he simply cannot fucking sing. Dire as a nun's cunt in a belfry. Yes, the dancers were good, but it's a bit desperate all round.
Only The Young
Well, Come On Eileen was a risk, and I am not too sure that it worked. Still, this group is one that deserves a decent chance to prove its worth, and maybe it will get the chance to do so. This performance was not good, not bad. Let's see if there's a chance for them to regain some of the promise that was shown in the auditions. I think the four can come up with something better than so far delivered.
Jay
At last, the last fucking act of the night. Walking 500 miles was never so painful. As per CCTV, it was "odd", and I am not at all sure that this happy, stomping crowd pleaser was the right fodder for the slowed-down version with some inappropriate. Simon decided that it was genius, and he was incorrect. The nasal tones left me clogged up.
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