The Voice has turned out to be the biggest fuck-up of a show. Tonight's final was further proof that the format, the judges, the contestants and the various bollocks sprinkled over the whole programme was all put into a blender and served up to us by Wailing Emma and Bland Marvin.
After the initial noise provided by the coaches, who attempted to club together in a version of something including the line "Get your rocks off", I heard from Wailing Willis (WW) - "We are literally live. Here we go, this is the final." Such insight and astuteness was enlightening as shit on a shovel. Then Marvin asked us all: "Are you ready to meet the best of the best?" As it turned out, I had a long wait, and an unsuccessful one. This was evidenced by his announcing that I'd be seeing "Gillingham's golden boy", and "the Right Honourable Jermain". WTF, Marvin? When he asked, "Are you guys ready for this?" I was so ready to shout 'No' at the screen.
Christina-Marie was first to sing, and did brilliantly. 5/5 is my score. WW confirmed it had been "a great start to the show", which I'd predicted just before she opened her mouth. Tom was invited to give his views after the performance, and told us: "Control was great, tone was great, the whole performance was great." For some strange reason WW decided to guide us with the following advice: "You can cross your fingers to vote or use your fingers to dial and vote; only one of those works." Twat.
Sally was up next and we heard from Tom: "This woman can sing. Now it's her time to shine." Thanks, Tom. Sally sang okay, but a bit too slowly, labouring the song and 3.5/5 is my score. WW asked her how she felt afterwards, after confirming: "We're in the final now." Thanks, Willis. Tom gave us some more detailed information with: "She touched me and she still touches me." Thanks, Tom. Ricky chipped in with some blandness to match Marvin's mediocrity levels.
Jermain was next to arrive, and be asked pointless questions by WW. He confirmed for us: "It hasn't hit me. it really hasn't hit me." "I wish something would!" shouted I, as the Hackney Mayor appeared on screen to extol the virtues of Jermain and Hackney, rather than oversee the filling of fucking potholes. Jermain's performance was dire as fuck - my score is 1/5. WW congratulated him afterwards [which proves this woman would congratulate Mussolini and Genghis Khan on their humanitarian stances] and uttered: "Every time you open your mouth it's just sensational." My initial thought was "if only the same were true of you, Emma" but then I wondered if he'd been paying her some personal attention over the last few weeks - cunnilingus, I think it's called.
Will.i.ever.make.sense was asked to comment, and was unbelievably rude when he pissed about with his watch/phone and everyone had to wait for him - till he announced that Cheryl Cole had said Jermain was 'amazing'. This is the woman who cannot sing herself, telling a bloke who can't sing via Will that he was 'amazing'. The performance was supposed to be 'Voice orientated' but the flying seems to be the element worthy of most attention and congratulation. WW asked Tom (the dementia patient) a leading question: "Did he make it his own, Tom?" "Yes he did," was the astounding reply. "You made that song your own - fantastic," he continued.
Jamie managed to tamper with his song (Missing You) and it was average - I'd say 3/5. Tom was on form again in the review afterwards, when WW again helped him get on track with a leading question. "You've said twice before that he reminds you of you; was it three times in a row tonight?" "Yes," said Tom. Thanks, Tom.
Marvin showed a level of stupidity with: "The nation want to see it live." Do it, indeed . . ? WW then posed an interesting question, or set of questions, when she was summing up and asking us to consider who might get our vote. "Ask yourself whose album would you buy? Whose tickets would you queue up for? Who has true star quality?" 'None of them' came to mind.
The duets were a strange mix; Christina-Marie managed well enough with Ricky, Sally was overpowered by Morgan Freeman . . . sorry, Tom Jones. Then we got to 'Never Never Land' and I wish we'd never fucking been invited. Jermain and Will were simply odd and awful. This simple fact made the pathetic input from Wailing Willis prove beyond doubt her inability to count for anything at all: "That was brilliant" showed a complete lack of everything human. When Jamie had sung, he mentioned his experience in meeting Justin Timberlake had been 'surreal'. No Jamie - all definitions of 'surreal' have been binned, and the new definition is based on the performance by Jermain and Will.
Marvin impressed us with his ability to fuck up the English language with: "The votes is now frozen."
Jamie went first, as expected, based on the betting odds in the morning papers. This left us with the other three singing their favourite songs again. Christina was excellent (5/5) with Sally managing well (4/5). Jermoan was all over the place with his vocal warbling, worthy of no real commendation (3/5). Sadly Will felt it necessary to make much of Jermain coming from Hackney - 'not the best neighbourhood', apparently, and this is relevant because . . . . . ? Will tells the country that Jermain is "on a mission" and is a great example. There's me thinking that it was supposed to be about the voice.
The Real Winner
I might buy an album by Christina-Marie, but that's about the sum total of The Voice UK 2014.
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