Come on down, Santa!
There is never any end to the calamitous approach to Christmas exhibited by the local council and its sub-contracted workers. As ever, in these harsh economic times, the cunting council manages to display stupidity with its decision to erect 'decorations' and a tree and with its chosen method of erection.
Step one today involved the arrival outside the town hall of a massive lorry with an integral crane. The bright yellow arm was supposedly necessary to erect one tired decoration. I put this in italics because it is in fact the same pathetic excuse for an adornment to the Town Hall that's been in use for at least a decade.
If any of you reading this is impressed with the above, then perhaps you'd like to exit this blog now. Otherwise, sit and marvel at the shittiness of yuletide decorations and try to fathom why the fuck the local nobs (the self-important provincial twats) think it is all right to employ electricians (who turned up in a Transit van) alongside the driver of the crane, and to pay for the crane itself, no doubt at an extortionate daily rate.
After dismissing the efforts of three blokes, two vehicles and a piece of wall in lighting up my Christmas (bearing in mind it's still fucking November) I went back to my desk. Mrs MWSC called me an hour later for an unexpected second installment. No less than SIX blokes in high visibility jackets had arrived outside. Parked was a 4x4 carrying a trailer upon which was a massive Christmas tree. Also parked was a flatbed lorry. Through the kitchen window, we watched the muppets trying to work out how to erect this tree in a 'plot' the size of my fucking living room! It was less than impressive.
With jaws on the floor, we watched the rabble achieve very little for a while, and then saw one of the blokes start up a chainsaw. He was not that bothered about H&S considering he wielded the device such that in removing low branches near the foot, he angled the blade towards his leg. Without losing a leg, he removed a few growths before then deciding the whole thing was a bit too tall, and removing a piece of trunk. I'd always thought that the height of the sky was fucking sufficient to accommodate a tree!
The next phase (after one chap took some photos on his mobile) was to erect the tree. The six yellow men scratched their heads and farted while considering how this might best be done.
Of the 7000 population, 6999 don't give a cunting fuck about a Christmas tree leaning against the side wall of the Town Hall, behind the flagpole. I have allowed one interested party, just in case Santa Claus does in fact exist (and of course does indeed give a flying, cunting fuck).
The amusement continued as one of the six decided his role was to climb the tree and try to electrocute himself. Failing miserable, he performed to the gallery of four 'watchers' who were of course on full pay. The compere was at the foot of the tree to monitor proceedings.
There was a slight distraction when one of the six grabbed a contraption that either sucked-up or blew-away leaves and debris, and wandered around the road aiming it at nothing - thus sucking up fuck all, or blowing away fuck all. He simply wanted to use the equipment.
There was a weird point when everyone suddenly fucked off; lights adorned the very top 20% of the tree but no more. The whole thing was leaning against the wall, and this was apparently the desired result that allowed an exodus. The scene was all quiet and devoid of human input.
Later, the electrician came back in his silver van, and was able to take ages (on full pay) in trying to connect the power to the lights. Meanwhile I'd concluded that the cost of this tree and its erection, plus the tacky 'decoration' would be (with the necessary dismantling of all of this in January) something like £5,000. Disgusting.
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