There are 44 days left until the annual celebrations on 25th December, which we all know marks the time of sitting down in living rooms all over the country. This is to mark the anniversary of that first time, centuries ago, when sitting comfortably was deemed the most important thing of all. Here is a short account of how it came to pass that in the lives of most Christians, the end of December is a sedentary time.
Once upon a time, two people were about to complete a long journey. Joseph and Mary were set to travel by delivery lorry to Bethlehem, and it was quite likely to be an arduous journey. Joseph was a semi-skilled worker, and had a job at Oak Furniture Land.. His carpentry skills were relatively basic but he prided himself on producing solid oak furniture that was of a good standard, and assembled rather than sold in 'flat packs'. Mary was a call centre worker at Virgin, and was with child. Fortunately she was able to remain seated for most of the working day, and in recent weeks had managed to cut her hours as her due date neared. She worked at a satellite office handling replies to the inordinate amount of junk mail the company sent out every fucking day. Even in the twenty-first century, Virgin still manages to bombard any cunt with an address!
Mary and Joseph were hoping to get to see relatives in Bethlehem, and during the journey Mary was desperate to sit down, as her large bump and extra weight made standing rather tiring. She pined for a chair, while Joseph could provide only a crumpled tarpaulin and not even a pine chair for her to sit on.
They finally reached the distribution centre, and the lorry driver (who'd been listening to Nazareth all the way on full volume) deposited them at the gates before searching for a place to get an all-day breakfast. Mary and Joseph would need to find a place to stay for the night. It was such bad luck that they'd picked the wrong time to visit Bethlehem; there was a convention running, and the place was heaving. They wandered the streets hoping to strike it lucky. Joseph had already been online to try and secure rooms at one of the main chains, but without success. There was nothing available at Travelodge; forget the £19 rooms which are never available when you want one - he had been unable to get a room at any price. As for Premier Inn, there was no chance. The £29 rooms were as rate as rocking horse shit or a snakeless Garden of Eden. He'd started looking in August and there was simply no room at any Inn. Even Lenny Hemry would have been turned away. Joseph had wanted to chuck the fucker in the Sea of Galilee after the website froze with a stupid grin of the twat hogging his tablet.
There was no room at the inn at either the 'Holiday' or 'Days' variety. Things were not looking good for Joseph and Mary, and they were getting rather desperate. The two of them decided that with no space in hotels or inns, they'd have to consider B&Bs, guest houses and any other establishment that looked like it could put them up for the night. They found a small place called Benson's and while Mary sat on a wall outside, Joseph tried Benson's for beds. Alas the door was locked.
Further up the high street they came across a Bright House, and were temporarily excited. However, these cunts wanted to sell them stuff at ludicrous interest rates and insisted on weekly cash payments. Feeling dejected, they sat in a Burger King contemplating their situation and the options, having no money and being in great need. A woman sitting next to them overheard the discussion and she interrupted to make a suggestion. She was the manager of a small YMCA which she said was full, but that in the back, in an outside stone house used as a store room were a couple of sofas that would surely do for the pair of them. Joseph and Mary were so thankful; they could not believe their good fortune and asked how come the woman could afford to have spare sofas. They learned that she'd got them on interest free credit with nothing to pay for the first year. "Jesus Christ," exclaimed Mary - "what a bargain!" When the woman told Mary that this was only half the story, and that they were half price as well, Mary nearly fainted.
At the stone house behind the YMCA, Mary and Joseph found three sofas in a large store room that was more of a communal room than anything else. The sofas still had the plastic wrapping on them, and this was apparently because they had only been delivered the day before. "Just in time for us," announced Mary. Joseph opted for the suede 3-seater while Mary was happy with the one opposite, which was dark brown leather and had a reclining seat at one end.
Joseph made notes as the two of them considered names for their child, who would be born any day. They each had their favourites, and they'd whittled down the options by the time they fell asleep; on the notepad were written three names:
Caleb Simon Luke
Devid Fergal Saul
Sebastian Christian Stephen
Both were convinced it would be a boy. Joseph's suggested nickname of 'Dropbox' was discounted by Mary, who thought it sounded rather rude, seeing as he would have 'dropped from her box'. Joseph was equally dismissive of the suggestion from Mary of 'Tevo', claiming that it sounded like something her employer would try to tout, and that the boy would grow up being too smart for his own good.
That night, Mary went into labour. It was a speedy affair, and as Joseph had completed his St John Ambulance First Aid course, he was confident enough to help with the delivery. Mother and child rested the next day, while Joseph looked at a Furniture Village brochure while listening to Madonna singing 'Like A Virgin'. Meanwhile, en route to Bethlehem, were three wise men - Parker Knoll, G-Plan and La-Z-Boy. When they arrived bearing gifts, there was plenty of room for them all to sit down. On that day, they came with boxes. In the first box there was a small present - a CD of Spandau Ballet's greatest hits, including of course, and named - 'Gold'. In the second box there was some incense hand-crafted by someone called Frank. |In the third box was another CD, with stuff by Olly Murs.
Ever since then, we've celebrated and remembered the events in Bethlehem on that night of the religious convention, and how on 25th December, Mary and Joseph found themselves sitting on sofas. The next day they could watch Tevo as well - a present for Virgin, not their son. To this day, we now join in on the annual rush to prepare for sitting down at what is sometimes, for an unknown reason, called 'Christmas'. This explains why on TV there are so many adverts promoting the same deals that were available to the people of no means, with half-price sofas, and nothing to pay for a year, and four years in all to pay
The main players in the retail world all adopted the initials of the three names Joseph and Mary had got down to. Mary considered CSL, DFS and SCS. Of course we all know now that it was the exchange between Mrs Barker, the stonehouse owner and Mary who provided the actual name. Mary's "Jesus Christ was catchy enough to stick.
Getting a sofa delivered by 25th December is no the annual ritual followed by all UK citizens. It's possible to get sofas made by manufacturers named after the three wise men, if you shop at SCS. DFS prefers to sell its own stuff, while CSL trues to offer a slightly more upmaket and colourful experience.
So then, in line with typical greetings exchanged by everyone in the weeks before 25th December,
"Happy Sofa Sitting" to you! I hope yours arrives in time and that you Sofa Sitting Season is Super this year!
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