The madness continues. I refer less to the actual programme and more to the public's addiction to watching this tosh, as we are all fed the formulaic tripe that takes us ever closer to the inevitable sing-off between Sam and Nicholas. Along the way, the wailing and groaning is at times awful, and the self-importance of the judges is on display continually. Nicole is simply a mixed-up individual, and more and more she is becoming a candidate for sectioning.
"Get Me A Straightjacket!"
Meanwhile, Mrs O is of course way past that stage; she's been calling out for a straightjacket for five years! Maybe someone will realise soon that she's no kidding.
The bottom two each wailed for his life last Sunday, and despite Luke's best efforts to sound like his intestines were being ripped from him and wound through a mangle, Sam Callahan managed to be worse with his inherent lack of talent and inability to sing - something that doesn't seem to have mattered through the auditions, and the first five weeks of the live finals for some strange fucking reason. Now he's gone, and Louis doesn't need to tell us anymore how "Sam is the most hard working person I know".
So we are obliged to 'celebrate' ten years of the X-Factor. Oh dear, O'Drear-y. Dermot introduced the judges with his usual hype, and Gary Barlow sported the thinnest tie ever worn. 'Essex Boy' Olly Murs was announced, and I was mildly disappointed it wasn't Joey Essex, who'd possibly have made a better job of singing in tune! The weakness from Olly was a rather crappy start to this week's show. Normally I like Olly but this was flatter than a steamrollered pancake. 3/10, Olly.
ADVERT BREAK: Question: Is the "KingSavers Menu at Burger King short for "FuckingSavers Menu" then?
Nicholas McDonald
Joe McElderry telling Nicholas that he reminded him of himself was surely a demotivational piece of information. Not the best start ahead of his performance this week. Nicholas turned out to be okay inasmuch as the quality of singing was passable - but the song was, and is - SHIT. I wondered if I'd got time for a snooze, but with these shortened versions the contestants are given, I had no chance. Okay. 6/10
Sharon: "Fabulous song." [No, O] "Every week Louis picks the best songs." [No, O] "Great song choice, Louis." [No, O]
Gary: "Another great performance."
Nicole: "My Mickey Blue Eyes. Nicholas has hands this week. He flipped it up this week. Good job, honey." [Tosser, Scherzinger]
ADVERT BREAK: "Aquafresh microfine illumi pearl technology" - What The Fucking Fuck? Bollocks!
Hannah Barrett
The only "Hallelujah" I'll be emitting is if she's sent home, (like). Have you noticed how she can't talk without the extra meaningless words. Average at very best. 3/10
Louis: "I felt every single lyric." [I know - so did I; every fucking calorie.]
Osbourne: "You are really gonna go places after this show." [Further the better, Sharon.]
Gary: "You don't pick songs because you think they're gonna get votes." [No, Gary - nor does she sing them like there's any chance she'll get them either.]
Nicole: "You know it touches you when there's snot." [TWAT!]
Luke Friend
Constipation was evident - it was written on Luke's face as he whined and strained to dump upon us this shit. This was not his best performance, and I have no idea who directs him - he needs to be better managed. I fear he's been listening to James Arthur a bit too much. Average. 4/10
Osbourne: "You are a dark horse in this race."
Gary: "You've got a lane of your own." [Reject chute?]
Nicole: "I loved it." [Said with pain written all over her face?]
Elf: "You deserve to make the final."
Caroline Flack
Completely loud and pointless contribution as always. Back to you, Dermot. 0/10
Rough Copy
"All we've got to do is put the Rough Copy spin on it."
They certainly did that - the vocals were dodgy as fuck at the beginning. Only when they had a chorus to wail along with did they sound even bearable. They think they are better than they are - significantly so. Overall, no good. I will be very generous. 3.7/10
Nicole: "Love it. Last week you was giving them vanilla scoops, then you added chocolate . . . then . . sher-sprinkles . . " [Fucking tosspot!]
Elf: "There's a massive gap in the market." [Yep, a chasm somewhere, waiting to be filled.]
Sharon: "I do find that song awfully whiny." [Well said, Mrs O]
Gary: "Bringing the urban flavour to the stage." [WTF? Urban fucking flavour - what was 'urban' exactly?]
Tamera Foster
It started off weak and flat. Forgetting the words is not helpful, luv. I thought the TV signal had cut out - then wished it had. The vocals are poor. When Hannah Barrett is better than you, you know you are shit! The 'noisy bit' was not enough to save you, and the song is simply shit. Poor. 2/10
Elf: "You need to remember the words."
Osbourne: "If you were lip singing there would be something else coming out." [WTF?
Gary: "It's excruciating watching a car crash happen."
Nicole: "I'm so proud of you tonight; you kept going. You're only 16 you little pumpkin pie." [You tossy, tosser, talking shite, Shitsinger.]
Sam Bailey
Brilliant, and simply better than all the others. 9/10
Gary: "Amazing."
Nicole: "When you feel it, I feel it: I felt you so much tnight. Good job."
Elf: "You are the person to beat."
Osbourne: "Keep voting for Sam."
Just time to enter the shitty competition: "Twist and ........." ?
A - Shout
B - Scream
C - Forget The Words
D - Wail
E - Take the top off, and drink
...
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