Lily Allen - Hypocrite
How can someone who sings a good version of Keane's song in the marvellous John Lewis advert be such an arsehole at the same time, with her latest single and video, both of which are atrocious? Claiming irony as a defence for using twerking backing singers/dancers while singing about having no need to debase herself or women is pathetic. Lily, you've been obnoxious from the first time I ever saw you (many years ago on TV, when you claimed you were better than and would be much bigger than Madonna) and not a lot has changed really.
Naomi Campbell
She simply should not be given any airtime at all, but somehow contrives to get attention.
Strictly Come Dancing
Please can someone explain to me how Mark Benton managed to survive yet another week on the show? His stomping around and stupid face-pulling was indeed dire as fuck, yet the more elegant Fiona Fullerton went out. Yes, they were both destined to go in consecutive weeks, so let's hope to see the back of Benton this weekend, but it is highly annoying that I have to suffer his mug and walrus impression for another session on Saturday. A good actor and generally nice chap does NOT translate to a good dancer, or entertainment. For the judges to make some sort of allowance for his excessive weight is tragic and outrageous, and the whole concept of "having fun" is fucking awful. Someone "having fun" is certainly NOT any basis for me being impressed, or accepting poor input, especially when that means they escape proper scrutiny!
Masterchef
What's with all the funny faces? The programme may set out to try and make cooking a matter of life and death, and there may indeed be some attempts that are better than others, but there's really no need for the pathetic face-pulling from Monica Galetti.. The oh-so-perfect chef is annoying as hell, more so than the patronising voice-over that drools over proceedings. The worst crime, though, is the fucking continual reference to "reducing down" - how the cunting fuck can anyone reduce UP?
Overused Terms
I am sick to fucking death of hearing "award winning" rammed down my throat for everything under the sun. The majority of the awards are worthless and pointless things that are shared by self-serving entities. Once an award has been dished out, the recipient is entitled forever to claim to be "award winning". Even I am award winning, as in my years I've won awards for football, at work, and I have numerous certificates in boxes and folders. The term "award winning" is a complete nuisance now. Other words that are bandied about stupidly are: "iconic", which is given to anything at all where the orator wants to try and impress listeners, and "technology", which is used to try and make the subject matter seem more impressive. A face cream at £45 per pot commands this price because - a) there are always idiots prepared to pay over the odds, almost for the sake of it, and b) the substance used "xxxxx" technology. Wow!
BBC Radio
I turned on the radio early one morning, and was appalled to hear a dreadful noise on Radio 2. The offender was Vanessa Feltz, and I struggled for a few minutes before deciding I really must change the station. Radio 1 offered me Reggie Yates, and the few minutes I endured were truly horrendous, as I learned exactly how dumbed-down listeners had to be, not to notice the poor broadcasting and thickness that oozed through the speakers in my car. Of course, I did notice the complete disaster that was being provided, before sanctuary came with a change of presenter. The respite was short-lived, though, because next up was Grimshaw. What a pathetic excuse for entertainment. If this demonstrates in any way the standards now expected at Radio 1, then I'll be better off listening to cows farting in a field than anything claiming to be entertainment on Radio 1 in the mornings. I read three weeks ago that Grimshaw has lost 1.1million listeners per week. If I'd been one of them, he'd have lost me as well, but luckily this short burst (five minutes) was enough to ensure I'll not be revisiting that frequency. It is a sad day when Vanessa turns out to be not all that bad! Oh dear.
Solutions
I was pondering how on earth I would manage. Sitting on the loo in a service station a couple of weeks ago, I was in dire need of an answer to a massive problem, and I pondered with a vague hope that something would occur to me. Luckily, someone had preempted my dilemma, and had discovered exactly how I might be made able to wipe my arse. Yes, the age-old problem of how to wipe an arse has been an enigma for so many generations. On a par with Fermat's Last Theorem, the problem of how to obtain loo roll sufficient for an arse-wipe has haunted mathematicians and technologists for a long time. However, thanks to "Leonardo Dispensing Solutions" I was saved the awfulness of being unable to tear off a section of loo roll. This company (I read the name on the side of the plastic container) has solved the problem by using a plastic container to hold paper on a roll, and then allowing me to take some. The dispensing device was a lifesaver to me, and no doubt to thousands of other people in the shit, who otherwise would have been unable to tear off paper from a roll. The dispensing solution was and is marvellous, especially as there was never actually a cunting problem!
Money But No Taste or Decency
Oh yes, it was certainly indecent; I read this week that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow have apparently both bought custom made cots for over £30,000. This is simply disgusting, stupid, crass, tasteless and nuts.
Ed Bollocks
Cock and Balls
Sharon Shoesmith undeservedly gets £600,000 compensation despite presiding over a shower of shit that was the Social Services department at Haringey Council. The mother of 'Baby P' is getting all sorts of (deserved) anger directed towards her, after she's free and even getting help with childcare advice. This cunt is not worthy of further mention. Sharon Shoesmith was an ineffective council worker (certainly NOT any oxymoron there, folks!) and pocketed a decent salary for indecent attention to what went on in her department. It is not really in question that she deserved the sack for piss-poor performance. However, whilst she no doubt fucked up, it was Ed Bollocks who made the bigger balls-up. Yes, Ed Balls was responsible for getting rid of her - and for doing so in a way that allowed her to make and win a claim for unfair dismissal. Ed, you stupid twat! If you are going to oust someone and gain the popular vote/endorsement for your actions, do it fucking properly and do not expose yourself and the taxpayer to a claim. The real culprit is YOU, Mr Balls. She should not have come out of this with loads of money, and the travesty was caused solely by you. To maintain that you would do it again and 'protect children' demonstrates how fucking useless you are and how shit your judgement is. Hiding your own error behind the incompetence of Shoesmith and the council which allowed the abuse to Baby P, and hoping that we'll let you off because we were and are outraged at the other parties (because of the tragic result) is weak and woefully short of what a minister should have done.
Still, no one in Labour ever does the right thing, and when the truth is uncovered later, there's either no apology, or a one-liner statement that's supposed to make us happy. For example, the multiple admissions that Labour 'made mistakes' with immigration policy. NO IT DIDN'T - it manipulated things and purposefully sought to inflate the UK population with millions of immigrants. That is not a mistake or an accident, it is willful dereliction of duty, self-serving manipulation, treason, economic suicide and a time bomb for all. Arses, the lot of them!
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