30.11.13 Cyclists Protest In London

About 1000 cyclists staged a protest in London today, to highlight the issues and recent deaths.  Apparently they want £600million spent to improve safety and facilities.

I have no wish to belittle the pain that has resulted from six deaths on the roads for cyclists in London in the last month.  I support the call for improved conditions.  However, I expect that there will be slightly less enthusiasm for fees to apply.  Cyclists do not have to have insurance and do not pay anything, whereas the motorist is forced to pay a fortune in insurance and in road tax.

So, if we are to develop facilities and improve safety for all cyclists, fantastic - but let's not leave it to the government to get the money from the taxpayer and/or the motorist.  It is simply wrong for people to expect (demand, even) to have special consideration and facilities without their being a contribution.

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30.11.13 Strictly Annoying

Twats

So, Patrick danced well and got 3x10 and an 8 from Craig (who should have given a 9, even allowing for Craig's stinginess).  So, instead of 39 points, Patrick scored 38.

Natalie danced very well, and was super, although I'd no idea during the dance which one she was actually doing.  This was apparently a view endorsed when Len commented, and later gave a score of 8.  The sore of 8 was described by Tess Daly as "controversial" yet she'd not said that about Craig's stinginess with Patrick?  36 points will see her okay.

How the fuck did Craig justify a 7 for Mark Benton, who embarrassed himself and the whole of the animal kingdom with his Simba doing a Samba.  29 points was overly generous, but Iveta is a welcome vision for any male, or lesbian. Time to go home, Mark, and meanwhile I will try to work out Craig's basis for awarding marks - I'll be here till I die!  Please. please let him go home tonight - he's been moaning about his knees this week and suggesting he has had enough.  This is not a magnanimous approach, but a realisation on his part that whatever he says (or does) he MUST be ejected.

Sophie is the quirkiest and loveliest competitor ever, who has a sense of style that just works.  4x9 was a perfect view on a lovely dance.  At last some agreement between the judges and a fair result.

Bruce made a useless joke about "Stayin' Alive" and I rather wished he would fail on that score as well as on the general ability to entertain.  Abbey was up next with a Salsa - fucking amazing!  After the dance, Bruno siad he couldn't tell the difference between Abbey and the two professional dancers each side of Abbey. Bruce asked Craig if he could tell the difference, and he said "yes - she was better".  40 was so deserved!

Ashley danced with Ola and rolled her buttocks in his hands rather well (yes, I am jealous).  An 8 and 3x9 meant 35 points was very fair.

Susanna Reid is somehow annoying.  She danced something-or-other that was not particularly entertaining but apparently okay.  33 points will mean second from bottom, though.

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30.11.13 Morrisons

I am sure you have seen a puppet act where the operators wear all black and the background is also black. This allows them to go about there business with "near invisibility", while the audience is allowed to concentrate on the puppets instead of the human input.  This afternoon at Morrisons, I encountered a female member of staff who clearly had aspirations for such a career, and was practising while at work.  However, she was not in fact "invisible" and was instead sporting a green fucking uniform.  She did not so much merge into the background as create a fucking obstacle.

I was engaged in the relatively normal activity of choosing some ham, a subset within the general activity of 'shopping'.  I rather expected that by standing in from of the various packets of ham, I was well placed to achieve my objective. However, I'd not reckoned on the cunt in green, who was scuttling backwards and forwards, hugging the cabinet, and moving packets around, as well as cardboard, in an effort to tidy the display.  She was oblivious to my presence!  I resisted the urge to kick her in the cunt, and instead snatched (what a pun!) the breaded ham between her passes.

At the checkout, I stood ready to pay the £50 bill clutching three twenty pound notes.  I was right in front of the checkout operator, who asked:

"Have you got a card you could put in, and then I'll knock it off."

I looked at the machine and saw the "insert card" instruction, and I then looked at the woman with a confused look.  "What?" I asked.

"I've pressed card by mistake."

I did not move, and simply looked at the cretin like she was a cretin, and the cretin looked at me as though it was my fault.  "It doesn't matter," she said, by way of a follow up.  "It's just that it takes ages to reset."  I looked at her and she wasted oxygen.  Eventually (and it was a good two minutes) she announced the cost and took my notes. I said 'Thank you' when she handed me my change but she was avoiding any eye contact, or civility and simply breathed uselessly.

Leaving the store was a nightmare; negotiating screaming kids, useless parents and the queue for the 'changing room' was hard enough.  There was a bloke carrying a whining kid under his arm as he headed for the trolleys, and the cacophony was horrendous.  It was tempting to forego the return of the pound coin, and simply abandon my trolley to allow speedier departure, but economics (well, actually, the principle) took over and I got my quid back.

The place was a fucking zoo!

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30.11.13 Harvey Heaven

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30.11.13 Jungle Update

Well, if anyone was still in any doubt before today, I hope that's no longer the case, and there is unanimity in the view that Matthew Wright is a complete tosser.  Unfortunately he seems to have a belief that he's witty, intelligent, 'right' all the time as well as 'Wright', and entertaining.  I suppose to some degree he's providing entertainment, as we have reason to talk about IACGMOOH and loathe him.  His character traits are not attractive.  He squealed in a wimpish manner on day one but miraculously overcame all fear of bugs within 48hrs.  Then he displayed horrendous judgement with an appearance in a bikini.   He has had a go at Alfonso, Kian, Rebecca, and Amy. Prick.

Alfonso is a pain in most respects.  First, his achievements seem to have passed me by - apparently he's known for only one thing and that's not including the prowess he has in sitting on his arse.  He may well have 'exploded' with his outburst at Matthew, but where was the head-butt?  More weird was his wimpish lack of back-up for Kian the other day when Matthew was being a cunt about the canopy and denying Lucy her chance to report back after her trial.

Lucy is slightly less annoying now, after her successful trial.  Rebecca did her first trial after running out of sick notes - she only brought three with her and they've all been handed in.  The challenge was hardly that challenging; yes, I'm pleased for her that she won 9 stars but it is not really my responsibility to wish her well simply because she has confidence issues and self-image concerns. The challenge (which Joe Swash also completed in the ITV2 follow-on show) was one that involved reasonable fitness and the ability to hold one's breath.

Steve okay, David okay, Joey okay, Kian okay, Lucy okay, Vincent okay, Annabel okay and funny, Amy okay, Laila okay.

On IACGMOOH Now, the newcomer was Helen Flanagan.  Fuck knows why ITV decided it was worthwhile flying her to Australia to make a few comments on ITV2 for four consecutive nights.  As expected and predicted by me, she was a useless waste of fucking space - so, much like last year when she was in the jungle rather than looking down on it.  It seems that only Denise Van Outen has been worth having on the show - Ferne McCann was mouthy and vacuous; Kimberley Walsh was whining, frowning, pouting, preening and annoying, and Flanagan is now wasting my eyesight.

Andy Peters talks sense.  He's the first one to state the view (in contradiction with Flanagan's view) that "the younger ones" should not be looked after by the older ones.  Exactly right; if you're old enough to go on the show - and collect £50,000 to £100,000 - then you can fucking well manage.  So, Amy is a bit drippy and lazy, and likes to sunbathe.  That's not surprising, I suppose, seeing as she's a model.  For Helen Flanagan to suggest that the other women are jealous, and that people ought to help Amy out because she is only 21 is pathetic - unless of course Amy dishes out some of her appearance money. The age thing is as annoying as it is in X-Factor.  "You're only 16" or "You're only 17" is irrelevant on that show, just as Amy's age is irrelevant on this one.

Just time for a gratuitous photo of Laura Whitmore.

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29.11.13 Grammar for the Gormless

JetAway

It seems there is no end to the appalling grammar that now litters the media. On a recent flight back from Spain, I was trying to pass time by reading JetAway, the Jet2.com magazine, and a few pages were given over to Miranda Hart.  I shuddered at the bold red extract and the uselessness of the writer in managing to use "it's" twice in the sentence for two different purposes - one completely wrong.  This common fuck-up of using "it's" in a possessive sense is a pathetic schoolboy error - on this occasion made by someone called Mike MacEacheron.

Now, without knowing the name of the offender, I'd have to move on with my life and chalk this up as the 76,456th example of this error to have crossed my path.  However, I can confirm that Mike MacEacheron is none other than the Editor and Co-publisher of JetAway, and so there can be no excuse whatsoever.  How the hell does one get a job as an Editor or as a Publisher (let alone a combined role) without being competent in the English language?

At the beginning of the magazine, there's a small picture of Mike and some further writing attributed to him - containing "different to" instead of "different from" and a sentence quite unnecessarily starting with "And".  In view if Mike's incompetence in his own article and introduction, it will come as no surprise that the magazine contained a number of other errors.  What's difficult to know is whether there was any responsibility for the adverts placed in the magazine; it may have been up to the advertiser to have final say, but I'd still expect the publication (ie. Mike) to highlight basic errors, in some vague attempt to keep up standards.  Still, with not a standard in sight, this was obviously not the case.

In an advert for Stockeld Park, there was reference to "Magical Gift Emporiums", as the correct plural (emporia) is a word that would clearly cause rioting if used in JetAway.  For the Crab Manor advert, I read: "Its talented team serve up a wide range of dishes" and whilst this was clear of any misuse on the it's/its front, the claim managed to make the word "team" plural with use of "serve" instead of "serves".  Then there was the further statement of: "Each of the 17 rooms are individually designed" which fucked up by using "each" to require a singular verb ("is) rather than "are".

The Daily Telegraph

I think it's time to move away (or should that be JetAway) from this publication, and look at the Daily Telegraph, which is far from perfect on the grammar front. Indeed, errors were clearly on display when I read the edition on 1st November, with Paul Howard fuelling my annoyance.  Paul Howard is "Sports Writer of the Year", so it said at the top of the piece, so I had hoped for some sort of quality in his writing.  Sadly I was let down.  Paul managed to make the same tired mistakes to do with mixing singular and plural forms of words and verbs, and in doing so, spread the gospel of "fucking shit grammar everywhere".  So-called professionals have a duty to get things right; by fucking up while holding what might be considered an exulted position in journalism, Paul is helping others to get things wrong by taking his lead.

"The team embellished by Ronaldo are more modestly constructed."  Teams are, a team is - it's not difficult really!  "The best Real Madrid sides have been collections of world beaters.  This one rely on the consistent pummelling power of a counter-strike."  What the fucking hell is this tripe?  The Sports Writer of the Year is clearly hopeless and relies (or should that be 'rely', Paul?) on the readers' ignorance to get away with poor work.  "The 1950s and 1960s gang who dominated European football were built around not only Di Stefano and Puskas but Francisco Gento, Raymond Kopa and Jose Santamaria." More disharmony and contradiction.  Sadly, the award of 'Sports Writer of the Year' holds no merit when the writing is full of mistakes.

The Sun

The Sun is of course littered with trash and mistakes every day.  Sadly, though, there is no proper checking on the part of contributors, or how else would the following have been allowed to go to print?  If I were in charge at BMW or Toyota, I think I'd make sure the idiots at The Sun were kept in line and stopped from relaying nonsense.

"Toyota's top European boss says the firm are looking to build on the success of its GT86 Coupe."  Well, this manages to make the word "firm" plural by using "are", but eight words later the firm has become singular again with use of "its" instead of "their".  So, inconsistency is also evident.  In the next paragraph, the firm retained its singular status.  "Chief Executive Didier Leroy told me the firm is studying a feasibility report on building a new sports car in a joint venture with BMW."

Vauxhall / Evans Halshaw

In the waiting area at the local dealership, I was forced to while away two and a half hours while my car was serviced last week.  There was a TV to provide a distraction from the awful background noise (a weird mixture of muzak, air conditioning/heating, talking, echoes and car noises).  The TV was on just loudly enough so that it couldn't be heard properly.  Behind the seats was a display, a simple one that was no more than two tyres in front of a sign.

The suggestion was that buying a new tyre was preferable to being prosecuted for having a tyre with insufficient tread, which could mean a hefty fine and "3 Points On Your License".  How someone hadn't managed to avoid using the verb form rather than the noun form is amazing.  I would have pointed this out, but to whom?  There would most definitely have been a lack of interest, let alone proper acknowledgement that there was indeed any error.

British Red Cross

Below the photograph of two children, in a full-page appeal advert following Typhoon 'Haiyan', I read: "£10 could buy a tarpaulin to shelter a family who has lost their home."  What a muddle this was!  Neither one thing nor the other, this muddled and grammatically incorrect effort demonstrates further the ignorance and/or lack of care with the English language in the media.  The FRSB [FundRaising Standards Board] clearly doesn't include grammar in its vetting of actions and messages.

News Reporting

Radio and TV are awful these days, and grammar is deemed irrelevant; how else can the ghastly errors be explained?

"Number 10 also want them to provide more options."
"Spain do have the power to close the border."

Television

"ITV are offering you the chance to win."
"The family has voted and their king of the table is . . " [Iceland advert]

Sport

Apparently the plural of 'scrum' is 'scrum', as this is the only explanation for Jonathan Davies talking shit:
"The Tongan scrum have caused them problems."

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27.11.13 Council Cunting Christmas Crap

Come on down, Santa!

There is never any end to the calamitous approach to Christmas exhibited by the local council and its sub-contracted workers.  As ever, in these harsh economic times, the cunting council manages to display stupidity with its decision to erect 'decorations' and a tree and with its chosen method of erection.

Step one today involved the arrival outside the town hall of a massive lorry with an integral crane.  The bright yellow arm was supposedly necessary to erect one tired decoration.  I put this in italics because it is in fact the same pathetic excuse for an adornment to the Town Hall that's been in use for at least a decade.

If any of you reading this is impressed with the above, then perhaps you'd like to exit this blog now. Otherwise, sit and marvel at the shittiness of yuletide decorations and try to fathom why the fuck the local nobs (the self-important provincial twats) think it is all right to employ electricians (who turned up in a Transit van) alongside the driver of the crane, and to pay for the crane itself, no doubt at an extortionate daily rate.

After dismissing the efforts of three blokes, two vehicles and a piece of wall in lighting up my Christmas (bearing in mind it's still fucking November) I went back to my desk.  Mrs MWSC called me an hour later for an unexpected second installment.  No less than SIX blokes in high visibility jackets had arrived outside. Parked was a 4x4 carrying a trailer upon which was a massive Christmas tree.  Also parked was a flatbed lorry.  Through the kitchen window, we watched the muppets trying to work out how to erect this tree in a 'plot' the size of my fucking living room!  It was less than impressive.

With jaws on the floor, we watched the rabble achieve very little for a while, and then saw one of the blokes start up a chainsaw.  He was not that bothered about H&S considering he wielded the device such that in removing low branches near the foot, he angled the blade towards his leg.  Without losing a leg, he removed a few growths before then deciding the whole thing was a bit too tall, and removing a piece of trunk.  I'd always thought that the height of the sky was fucking sufficient to accommodate a tree!

The next phase (after one chap took some photos on his mobile) was to erect the tree.  The six yellow men scratched their heads and farted while considering how this might best be done.

Of the 7000 population, 6999 don't give a cunting fuck about a Christmas tree leaning against the side wall of the Town Hall, behind the flagpole.  I have allowed one interested party, just in case Santa Claus does in fact exist (and of course does indeed give a flying, cunting fuck).

The amusement continued as one of the six decided his role was to climb the tree and try to electrocute himself.  Failing miserable, he performed to the gallery of four 'watchers' who were of course on full pay. The compere was at the foot of the tree to monitor proceedings.

There was a slight distraction when one of the six grabbed a contraption that either sucked-up or blew-away leaves and debris, and wandered around the road aiming it at nothing - thus sucking up fuck all, or blowing away fuck all. He simply wanted to use the equipment.

There was a weird point when everyone suddenly fucked off; lights adorned the very top 20% of the tree but no more.  The whole thing was leaning against the wall, and this was apparently the desired result that allowed an exodus. The scene was all quiet and devoid of human input.

Later, the electrician came back in his silver van, and was able to take ages (on full pay) in trying to connect the power to the lights.  Meanwhile I'd concluded that the cost of this tree and its erection, plus the tacky 'decoration' would be (with the necessary dismantling of all of this in January) something like £5,000. Disgusting.

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24.11.13 Jungle News - IACGMOOH

There are too many people in the jungle at the moment, so there's simply no real point in getting too wound up about any of the goings on, or any of the people there.  However, I will make a few brief comments anyway.  The irritating Matthew Wright is still very irritating, but it seems Annabel is able to squeal louder than him.  Having seen Matthew in a bikini, I don't ever want to see him again!

Can anyone explain why, yet again, Rebecca is not included in the voting for a Bushtucker Trail 'on medical grounds'???  So, we have an Olympic swimmer who's won gold being unable to compete, while pensioners are apparently included.  Odd.

The ITV2 follow-on programme is entertaining.  However, while I'm struggling to fathom why the panel has so far included Ferne McCann and Kimberley Walsh - both of them seem to struggle with closing their mouths and coping with teeth.  The TOWIE woman (who's now gone) was more or less a young Janet Street-Porter, and her mouth refused to operate in any way that caused her teeth to disappear from view. Kimberley has taken over, but seems to squint and gurn in equal measure, while puckering and manipulating lips over teeth in a weird ritual.

Luckily for the viewers, there's amusement enough from the three regulars, Rob Beckett, Joe Swash and Laura Whitmore.  Joey managed yet again to win loads of stars, and so surely it's time for someone else to be picked for the trials.

Just time for one more gratuitous picture of LW:

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24.11.13 X-Factor Results: Cillit Bang Needed - Week 7

JLS were wheeled out to give a middle-of-the-road performance with the X-Factor finalists.  The worst part was the post-song exchange when Marvin Humes called Dermot O'Dreary "Derms".  Outrageously dire.

Fucking Scherzinger with her "Scher-sprinkles" in the round-up at the beginning. I think she should go for a swim in Round Up

As for her squeal about ending the show with a "Scher-bang", maybe Barry Scott can get shot of her?

So, having moved on from JLS, we were presented with some warbling by Jessie J and Mary J Blige.  With all these 'J' acts, I wondered whether the next input would be from Union J or Nicole Shitsinger on stage with a J Cloth.  It turned out to be One Direction who arrived, and they actually sang rather well.

The Result Section (in other words, the whole point of the fucking programme - at 8.39pm)

As the judges and the acts came on to the stage, Nicole, Hannah and Tamera all looked glum as . . . . well, Hannah.  The last act through was Tamera, to the amazement and 'boos' of the audience.  Hmmmm - anyone smell a fix?

FIX

Nicole introduced her act, as "Hannah Banana", and we were served up some deep-throat constipation sounds.  Gary then told us - "Rough Copy".  We had some wimpy warbly wobbling and questionable vocals. It was a shit arrangement, sung with no real aplomb.  I was destined to be happy in any event, because one would be going home.

Nicole: "These two acts shouldn't be in the finals."  [You shouldn't be on the panel, Nicole.]  "I am furious with the British public for putting my girl in the bottom two."  [I'm less than impressed with you, Nicole.]
Gary saved Rough Copy and Osbourne saved Rough Copy.
Louis: "They remembered all the words."  [Excellent comment, Louis!]

Bye, Hannah - shame it wasn't Nicole, though.  Apparently she was 'blessed' but I certainly WASN'T, as Dermot O'Dreary announced that next week we'll be subjected to James Fucking Arthur.  WHERE'S THAT CUNTING CILLIT BANG when you need it?

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24.11.13 Strictly Come Dancing Disaster

How on earth did that happen?  Ben Cohen has just been voted off, while Mark Benton escaped!

Benton

Mark Benton somehow contrived to get the okay from three of the four judges. To endure the agony of the last few weeks and then see him miraculously saved was shocking - and no one was more shocked than the man himself.

Week after week, the worst two were Dave Myers and Mark Benton.  Having eventually dispensed with the 'services' of the Hairy Biker, we've been saddled with MB, and now he's in next week's show as well. Surely he is destined to go next time?

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24.11.13 Christmas and Hitler

What a strange approach to the TV schedules at Channel 5.  I am slightly confused as to the weird 'pairing' that's evident for this week's viewing.

Yesterday, 23rd November, Channel 5 kicked off its timely showing of Christmas movies with a triple-bill of B-movies, from 2.10pm until 7.20pm.  I was not inclined to view any of the three, which were:

An Old Fashioned Christmas
A Christmas Visitor
Single Santa Seeks Mrs Claus

I have just seen that today, there's a further triple helping, four-and-a-half weeks ahead of Christmas:

A Boyfriend For Christmas
Noel
Annie Claus Is Coming To Town

In making sure I avoid all three, I checked the rest of the listings to see what other offerings might be of interest, and was surprised to note that after Annie Claus gets to town, Channel 5 gives us another film (Entrapment) before embarking on a strange further triple-bill:

Hitler's 9/11  [How Nazis planned to launch attacks on America]
Valkyrie  [Film about the 1944 plot to assassinate Hitler]
7 Days That Made The Fuhrer  [Documentary]

On Monday, at 10pm, Channel 5 has: The Cave: Hiding From The Nazis, but nothing Christmassy.  On Tuesday, there is one of each:

Mrs Miracle
Nazi Quest For The Holy Grail

Wednesday's pairing is:

Annie Claus Is Coming To Town  [A blatant repeat just three days after the Sunday showing]
Children Of The Master Race

I've no idea what's going on, but would almost bet on there being further padding with weak Christmas films in next week's schedules, and I will monitor for any unlikely parallel attention to Hitler and the Nazis.

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23.11.13 The X-Factor Week 7

The madness continues.  I refer less to the actual programme and more to the public's addiction to watching this tosh, as we are all fed the formulaic tripe that takes us ever closer to the inevitable sing-off between Sam and Nicholas. Along the way, the wailing and groaning is at times awful, and the self-importance of the judges is on display continually.  Nicole is simply a mixed-up individual, and more and more she is becoming a candidate for sectioning.

"Get Me A Straightjacket!"

Meanwhile, Mrs O is of course way past that stage; she's been calling out for a straightjacket for five years! Maybe someone will realise soon that she's no kidding.

The bottom two each wailed for his life last Sunday, and despite Luke's best efforts to sound like his intestines were being ripped from him and wound through a mangle, Sam Callahan managed to be worse with his inherent lack of talent and inability to sing - something that doesn't seem to have mattered through the auditions, and the first five weeks of the live finals for some strange fucking reason.  Now he's gone, and Louis doesn't need to tell us anymore how "Sam is the most hard working person I know".

So we are obliged to 'celebrate' ten years of the X-Factor.  Oh dear, O'Drear-y. Dermot introduced the judges with his usual hype, and Gary Barlow sported the thinnest tie ever worn.  'Essex Boy' Olly Murs was announced, and I was mildly disappointed it wasn't Joey Essex, who'd possibly have made a better job of singing in tune!  The weakness from Olly was a rather crappy start to this week's show.  Normally I like Olly but this was flatter than a steamrollered pancake.  3/10, Olly.         

ADVERT BREAK: Question: Is the "KingSavers Menu at Burger King short for "FuckingSavers Menu" then?


Nicholas McDonald

Joe McElderry telling Nicholas that he reminded him of himself was surely a demotivational piece of information.  Not the best start ahead of his performance this week.  Nicholas turned out to be okay inasmuch as the quality of singing was passable - but the song was, and is - SHIT.  I wondered if I'd got time for a snooze, but with these shortened versions the contestants are given, I had no chance.   Okay.  6/10         

Sharon: "Fabulous song." [No, O]  "Every week Louis picks the best songs." [No, O]  "Great song choice, Louis." [No, O]
Gary: "Another great performance."
Nicole: "My Mickey Blue Eyes.  Nicholas has hands this week.  He flipped it up this week.  Good job, honey."  [Tosser, Scherzinger]

ADVERT BREAK: "Aquafresh microfine illumi pearl technology" - What The Fucking Fuck? Bollocks!


Hannah Barrett

The only "Hallelujah" I'll be emitting is if she's sent home, (like).  Have you noticed how she can't talk without the extra meaningless words.  Average at very best.  3/10         

Louis: "I felt every single lyric."  [I know - so did I; every fucking calorie.]
Osbourne: "You are really gonna go places after this show."  [Further the better, Sharon.]
Gary: "You don't pick songs because you think they're gonna get votes."  [No, Gary - nor does she sing them like there's any chance she'll get them either.]
Nicole: "You know it touches you when there's snot."  [TWAT!]


Luke Friend

Constipation was evident - it was written on Luke's face as he whined and strained to dump upon us this shit. This was not his best performance, and I have no idea who directs him - he needs to be better managed.  I fear he's been listening to James Arthur a bit too much.  Average. 4/10         

Osbourne: "You are a dark horse in this race."
Gary: "You've got a lane of your own."  [Reject chute?]
Nicole: "I loved it." [Said with pain written all over her face?]
Elf: "You deserve to make the final."


Caroline Flack

Completely loud and pointless contribution as always.  Back to you, Dermot.   0/10         


Rough Copy

"All we've got to do is put the Rough Copy spin on it."

They certainly did that - the vocals were dodgy as fuck at the beginning.  Only when they had a chorus to wail along with did they sound even bearable.  They think they are better than they are - significantly so. Overall, no good.  I will be very generous.  3.7/10         

Nicole: "Love it.  Last week you was giving them vanilla scoops, then you added chocolate . . . then . . sher-sprinkles . . "  [Fucking tosspot!]
Elf: "There's a massive gap in the market."  [Yep, a chasm somewhere, waiting to be filled.]
Sharon: "I do find that song awfully whiny."  [Well said, Mrs O]
Gary: "Bringing the urban flavour to the stage."  [WTF?  Urban fucking flavour - what was 'urban' exactly?]


Tamera Foster

It started off weak and flat.  Forgetting the words is not helpful, luv.  I thought the TV signal had cut out - then wished it had.  The vocals are poor.  When Hannah Barrett is better than you, you know you are shit! The 'noisy bit' was not enough to save you, and the song is simply shit.  Poor.  2/10                 

Elf: "You need to remember the words."
Osbourne: "If you were lip singing there would be something else coming out."  [WTF?
Gary: "It's excruciating watching a car crash happen."
Nicole: "I'm so proud of you tonight; you kept going.  You're only 16 you little pumpkin pie."  [You tossy, tosser, talking shite, Shitsinger.]

Sam Bailey

Brilliant, and simply better than all the others.  9/10         

Gary: "Amazing."
Nicole: "When you feel it, I feel it: I felt you so much tnight.  Good job."
Elf: "You are the person to beat."
Osbourne: "Keep voting for Sam."


Just time to enter the shitty competition:  "Twist and ........." ?
A - Shout
B - Scream
C - Forget The Words
D - Wail
E - Take the top off, and drink

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22.11.13 Masterchef and Much More

Lily Allen - Hypocrite

How can someone who sings a good version of Keane's song in the marvellous John Lewis advert be such an arsehole at the same time, with her latest single and video, both of which are atrocious?  Claiming irony as a defence for using twerking backing singers/dancers while singing about having no need to debase herself or women is pathetic.  Lily, you've been obnoxious from the first time I ever saw you (many years ago on TV, when you claimed you were better than and would be much bigger than Madonna) and not a lot has changed really.


Naomi Campbell

She simply should not be given any airtime at all, but somehow contrives to get attention.


Strictly Come Dancing

Please can someone explain to me how Mark Benton managed to survive yet another week on the show? His stomping around and stupid face-pulling was indeed dire as fuck, yet the more elegant Fiona Fullerton went out.  Yes, they were both destined to go in consecutive weeks, so let's hope to see the back of Benton this weekend, but it is highly annoying that I have to suffer his mug and walrus impression for another session on Saturday.  A good actor and generally nice chap does NOT translate to a good dancer, or entertainment. For the judges to make some sort of allowance for his excessive weight is tragic and outrageous, and the whole concept of "having fun" is fucking awful. Someone "having fun" is certainly NOT any basis for me being impressed, or accepting poor input, especially when that means they escape proper scrutiny!


Masterchef

What's with all the funny faces?  The programme may set out to try and make cooking a matter of life and death, and there may indeed be some attempts that are better than others, but there's really no need for the pathetic face-pulling from Monica Galetti..  The oh-so-perfect chef is annoying as hell, more so than the patronising voice-over that drools over proceedings.  The worst crime, though, is the fucking continual reference to "reducing down" - how the cunting fuck can anyone reduce UP?


Overused Terms

I am sick to fucking death of hearing "award winning" rammed down my throat for everything under the sun. The majority of the awards are worthless and pointless things that are shared by self-serving entities.  Once an award has been dished out, the recipient is entitled forever to claim to be "award winning". Even I am award winning, as in my years I've won awards for football, at work, and I have numerous certificates in boxes and folders.  The term "award winning" is a complete nuisance now.  Other words that are bandied about stupidly are: "iconic", which is given to anything at all where the orator wants to try and impress listeners, and "technology", which is used to try and make the subject matter seem more impressive.  A face cream at £45 per pot commands this price because - a) there are always idiots prepared to pay over the odds, almost for the sake of it, and b) the substance used "xxxxx" technology.  Wow!


BBC Radio

I turned on the radio early one morning, and was appalled to hear a dreadful noise on Radio 2.  The offender was Vanessa Feltz, and I struggled for a few minutes before deciding I really must change the station.  Radio 1 offered me Reggie Yates, and the few minutes I endured were truly horrendous, as I learned exactly how dumbed-down listeners had to be, not to notice the poor broadcasting and thickness that oozed through the speakers in my car.  Of course, I did notice the complete disaster that was being provided, before sanctuary came with a change of presenter.  The respite was short-lived, though, because next up was Grimshaw. What a pathetic excuse for entertainment.  If this demonstrates in any way the standards now expected at Radio 1, then I'll be better off listening to cows farting in a field than anything claiming to be entertainment on Radio 1 in the mornings.  I read three weeks ago that Grimshaw has lost 1.1million listeners per week.  If I'd been one of them, he'd have lost me as well, but luckily this short burst (five minutes) was enough to ensure I'll not be revisiting that frequency.  It is a sad day when Vanessa turns out to be not all that bad!  Oh dear.


Solutions

I was pondering how on earth I would manage.  Sitting on the loo in a service station a couple of weeks ago, I was in dire need of an answer to a massive problem, and I pondered with a vague hope that something would occur to me. Luckily, someone had preempted my dilemma, and had discovered exactly how I might be made able to wipe my arse.  Yes, the age-old problem of how to wipe an arse has been an enigma for so many generations.  On a par with Fermat's Last Theorem, the problem of how to obtain loo roll sufficient for an arse-wipe has haunted mathematicians and technologists for a long time. However, thanks to "Leonardo Dispensing Solutions" I was saved the awfulness of being unable to tear off a section of loo roll.  This company (I read the name on the side of the plastic container) has solved the problem by using a plastic container to hold paper on a roll, and then allowing me to take some. The dispensing device was a lifesaver to me, and no doubt to thousands of other people in the shit, who otherwise would have been unable to tear off paper from a roll.  The dispensing solution was and is marvellous, especially as there was never actually a cunting problem!


Money But No Taste or Decency

Oh yes, it was certainly indecent; I read this week that Beyonce and Gwyneth Paltrow have apparently both bought custom made cots for over £30,000.  This is simply disgusting, stupid, crass, tasteless and nuts.


Ed Bollocks

Cock and Balls

Sharon Shoesmith undeservedly gets £600,000 compensation despite presiding over a shower of shit that was the Social Services department at Haringey Council.  The mother of 'Baby P' is getting all sorts of (deserved) anger directed towards her, after she's free and even getting help with childcare advice.  This cunt is not worthy of further mention.  Sharon Shoesmith was an ineffective council worker (certainly NOT any oxymoron there, folks!) and pocketed a decent salary for indecent attention to what went on in her department.  It is not really in question that she deserved the sack for piss-poor performance.  However, whilst she no doubt fucked up, it was Ed Bollocks who made the bigger balls-up.  Yes, Ed Balls was responsible for getting rid of her - and for doing so in a way that allowed her to make and win a claim for unfair dismissal.  Ed, you stupid twat!  If you are going to oust someone and gain the popular vote/endorsement for your actions, do it fucking properly and do not expose yourself and the taxpayer to a claim.  The real culprit is YOU, Mr Balls. She should not have come out of this with loads of money, and the travesty was caused solely by you.  To maintain that you would do it again and 'protect children' demonstrates how fucking useless you are and how shit your judgement is.  Hiding your own error behind the incompetence of Shoesmith and the council which allowed the abuse to Baby P, and hoping that we'll let you off because we were and are outraged at the other parties (because of the tragic result) is weak and woefully short of what a minister should have done.

Still, no one in Labour ever does the right thing, and when the truth is uncovered later, there's either no apology, or a one-liner statement that's supposed to make us happy.  For example, the multiple admissions that Labour 'made mistakes' with immigration policy.  NO IT DIDN'T - it manipulated things and purposefully sought to inflate the UK population with millions of immigrants.  That is not a mistake or an accident, it is willful dereliction of duty, self-serving manipulation, treason, economic suicide and a time bomb for all.  Arses, the lot of them!

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19.11.13 Refereeing Refreshment

Seeing the proper control of a game of rugby underlines massively how the referee gets the proper respect from players.  The recent World Cup games bring home to anyone with an ounce of sporting acumen that for any contest to be entertaining and exciting, the official in charge should be empowered yet not the focus of play.

In football, the rules for the officials are so very different.  Instead of respect for the laws and for the officials, footballers are - most of the time - complete cunts and whinging twats.  The abuse and anger directed at and shown to referees is appalling, and the overpaid idiots seem to think they are above any sort of control.

The refreshing approach adopted by the rugby world is a stark reminder of just how low the football world has lost the fucking plot, and deserves every single mess and dollop on controversy that arises - and these are considerable!

Well done, Rugby, fuck off Football.  Sadly, the financial rewards are in the wrong sphere, so if ever there was an example of how life is unfair, and how standards are screwed up beyond all recognition, then this helps us all to understand that.

Football is fucked.

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19.11.13 Monty Python To Be Reformed and Another Big Reunion

As just about everything is susceptible to reformation (including ham) it comes as little surprise (although with a fair amount of disappointment) that the Monty Python team is to come together again.  I am not sure of the driving force for this manoeuvre, which must of course be that at least one member is skint (and John Cleese seems always in need of money to pay his ex-twats who he stupidly allows to nick his fortune) but it is hardly good news.

Yes, there will be many who are pleased about the reformation, but after so many years (well, decades actually) can there be any doubt that whatever the Pythons do it will be far less funny than either what they did in the past or what is now expected of them?  "No" is the simple answer.  Everything has its day, and the Monty Python phenomenon was something unique and good - but for its time.  Harking back now to the amusement that dusted our early years is almost guaranteed to disappoint.  Reminiscing is wonderful and appropriate for those of a certain age, but can there ever be any justification for trying to recapture what was unique, and watering down the whole history?  No.

I fear that the enterprise is destined to be a sad and tired attempt to replicate past glories, and it just cannot work.  Still in this day and age, many are under pressure to 'reform', or are desperate and needy enough to encourage alleged claims that reformation is warranted.

Take All Saints.  I'd rather not, quite frankly, but for the purposes of the argument, let's explore this one.  I read today that they are reforming.  I wonder if it counts this time, because the last time the group reformed it was minus Shaznay, lasted 39 seconds and was met with the lamest response from so-called 'fans' that could ever have been envisaged.  Yes, a few years ago, Shaznay Lewis had the good sense to ignore the efforts of the Appletons and the Blatt, and the trio (under the All Saints name) was disillusioned, albeit very briefly. Now, as I understand, all four are in synch (as opposed to NSYNC) because various agents have no doubt convinced them their 'fans' want them back.  No, ladies - if I wanted anything from you (and I don't) I'd buy an old CD. Anything you do now that hits my ears is as unlikely to be welcome as a wasp looking to place a sting.  "The Big Reunion" is a liability, and misguided "celebrities" are as silly as the people who never actually made it to "celebrity" status, whatever they believed when they earned a few quid.  Any reunion is a risk, and 80% are a joke/failure.

Réunion - this is a small island east of Madagascar, and about 200km southwest of Mauritius.  Any other use of these letter (with or without the accent) is annoying.

So, having clarified when these letters might have some interest or worth (not that I've ever visited) I suggest that we all ignore all and any 'hype' that comes our way regarding the "long awaited" or "exciting" reunion of Freebie and the Bean, Janet and John, R2D2 and CP3O or the Beatles.  It's bad enough having McCartney still making noises without contribution from the graves.

Le Tampon is the fourth largest commune on La Réunion, and there seems to be some sense employed by the French that translates to the English obsession with reunions.  I reckon a fucking tampon would stem the flow of these things rather successfully!

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19.11.13 Mishearing of the Week

Paul Flowers

I heard on the radio some news about the disgraced chap in charge of the Co-op Bank, who's rather fucked up.

" . . . . saw Flowers counting out money to Michael Caine."

the actual report about what someone allegedly saw was:

" . . . . saw Flowers counting out money to buy cocaine."

A slight different, with no involvement at all from Michael!

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18.11.13 X-Factor Round-up

Luke tried so, so hard to sing worse than Sam Callahan, and came very close. He wailed his heart out but sadly couldn't match the naff noise that Sam doled out in the 'sing-off' last Sunday.  It seems Luke was rewarded with another week at least in the competition.  Dispensing with the nine crappy performers is an arduous process, but a necessary one.  If I had my way, we'd eliminate more than one act every week.  Let's face it, both performances in this head-to-head were dire and should have lead to evictions.  What's a slight surprise is that Luke was not the worst in the main Week 6 performance.

The unlikable Hannah was worse than him, but somehow pulled in enough votes to escape, and be able to pull the most stupid, panicky and grotesque face when her name was called out as 'safe'.  A few minutes later, Tamera's ante-natal classes were clearly paying off.  She attended not because she's pregnant (that we know of, anyway) but to get some practice in on breathing. Her breathing technique was evident as she was the last to be put through, and she panted like hell.  I'd just seen the three Rough Copy blokes display epileptic traits when they were announced as safe and through to the next week.

So, the hardest working contestant of all time (as Louis would have us all believe) has been pushed out of the contest, and we can now expect rather less flat singing in the next few weeks as a result.  Sam may well be a nice chap, but what's that got to do with things?  Not a lot.  He simply sang, from day one, no better than every third bloke you might pass on a walk from the bank to Greggs, on the way to asking the manager there to reclaim Hannah and save us all from her presence on the show.  Yet again I was sorry that Judges are exempt from elimination, or else Nicole would be exiled to a tower somewhere.  Now THAT would indeed be 'muller-licious', eh?

Miley Cyrus deserves no comment beyond "she was shit".

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18.11.13 Jungle Watch

SUNDAY

Oh dear - I watched IACGMOOH on Sunday and the damage has been done. Worse, I watched the ITV2 follow-on programme (which is funnier) and it seems I am, as expected, likely to be drawn to this tosh on a regular basis.

I didn't believe my ears when I heard the Essex Twat say "confrontate", and quickly added it to my notes for quote of the month.  I rather expect he will be uttering more drivel over the next couple of weeks. Meanwhile, I have to concede I didn't think anyone could be 'wetter' than the dopy-as-fuck Helen Flanagan, but it see,s that Matthew Wright is giving it a really good go, and succeeding nicely.  I am not the first to wonder why he is in the jungle when he has a phobia that results in tears and his pulling the weirdest faces.

Steve Davies agreed with the shorter/thicker Essex product that they would select the 'fittest' people for their red team.  He explained this was in all senses of the word.  So, that gave them the chance to choose a swimmer (Adlington) plus a model (Willerton) and of course Laila Morse!  How the pair of them decided that she would be fitter than David Emanuel I don't know.  I have no idea how Laila came to get picked by ITV in the first place, and it was surely not because of her wealth of experience.  I heard her relaying that her only ever camping experience was many years ago, and it involved not going in a tent, and not only staying in the car but sleeping in it!

Joey: "If it's a rain forest, it obviously rains on purpose, doesn't it?"

I have a question regarding the Willerton woman, and so far I've not been tempted to Google it.  The caption that appeared at the bottom of the screen on a few occasions said: "Miss Universe GB".  This strikes me as odd and confusing.  It suggests she is not a winner of Miss Universe, and that she is not in fact a winner of Miss Great Britain.  Is she just the entrant from Great Britain (not the United Kingdom, which would be a rather more appropriate and correct 'catchment') for the contest of Miss Universe?  If so, she's not won anything, then.

The hour on ITV2 afterwards was rather more entertaining than the main programme, and so I'd encourage people to watch the mickey-taking and humour that comes our way, even if it's too arduous to manage the main programme.  Joe Swash is funny, and the five of them are clearly having a laugh with few rules on etiquette.  That bloke from Eastenders is a bitch, though, eh?

MONDAY

Hats off to Joey and Matthew for eating that stuff.  I think Joey's expectations were humorously exposed via his comment about possibly having to eat goat's cheese.  Obviously it turned out rather nastier than that! Rather mean to force the result with a tie-breaker, and deny Matthew any food after he was less than a second behind Joey.

The extra hour on ITV2 was good, other than the Eastenders bloke being annoying.  I feel there's a definite bias to the group, what with Ferne McCann from TOWIE being on the panel.  I had to look up her name, having never wasted my life watching TOWIE ever.

It seems there are enough people voting to create a rematch tomorrow - Joey and Matthew.  A break from the main programme tomorrow, but there's a bigger ordeal than any bush tucker trial for all of us; watching England play football.

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18.11.13 Madness On The Roads

I struggle with the muppets who hold down jobs in town planning departments. Close to my house is the lay-by which was a few months ago half filled in.  It was made narrower by having the depth of the path increased, despite the depth of the path already being over fifteen feet!  So, buses are no longer able to pull off the main road, and allow cars to pass without obstruction.  Instead, and in line with the new dashed lines in yellow, the buses have to stop half in the lay-by and half in the road.  This makes little sense, considering there is a pedestrian crossing five yards in front of the bus, and it also happens to be on the crest of a hill. WTF?

Seven hundred yards the other way, there is a width restriction - what is in effect a simple extension of the pavement - and this is used as the point for school children to cross the road under the supervision of a lollipop lady. Originally the muppets sanctioned the building of such an unnecessary encroachment on the road from both sides/pathways.  The result that the gap left was so small, it compromised the ability of lorries to get through.  So, one was removed - but NOT the one that extended the path on the side of the bus stop. That's right, the road-narrowing piece of pavement that causes the constriction is just before the bus stop, but a bus cannot stop in the designated (more yellow dashed lines) space without its arse sticking out into the middle of the fucking carriageway, as it has to negotiate the our-foot piece of extra path.  Highly stupid considering the school crossing requirement. Fucking twats.

One mile further on, I was following the Arriva bus that stopped at the bus stop, which happened to be positioned at exactly the place where the central road markings became double white lines.  The twats at the council obviously think it is appropriate to stop overtaking while allowing buses to completely block one carriageway.  They must be on Crystal Meth.

Approaching Middlesbrough, I was forced to stop on the A66 at one of the intersections previously serviced by a roundabout.  It seems no one is now trusted to drive a car without receiving instructions via traffic lights on what to do and when to do it.  I had time enough while stationary to count the poles in the ground that supported lights for cars and pedestrians (hardly any of those, by the way) and eighteen was the 'golf course' sized jungle that had been constructed after the demolition of one circular hump.  I watched, after my counting exercise, as no cunting cars came from one of the directions in the three-phase setting of red-amber-green, before eventually proceeding in a fucking straight line.  Instead of a free-market system, we now had a regimented, untailored and inefficient dictatorship in the form of lights.

On Sunday I drove south on the M1 and was 'policed' by a Volvo.  It was not a police car, but it was nevertheless dictating everything.  N1 SHL was happy to hog the fast lane, and when the speed limit dropped to 50mph for what was a very long section (more roadworks to create concrete central reservations in place of metal barriers) he was adamant that 48mph entitled him to block progress for anyone else.  Personalised registration, Volvo, older bloke, moving slowly, 'in the right' and 'in the fucking way' - it all added up to "nob".

I experienced further madness south of Milton Keynes, where the hard shoulder has become (in times of congestion) a fully operational lane for traffic, making the M1 a four-lane affair.  In principle this is nothing new - for a while now we have seen cost-cutting measures and use of the hard shoulder instead of road widening.  One day when you break down, and pull to the side of the road, let's hope for your sake that there isn't a 38-tonne gravel lorry doing 55mph as it ploughs into the back of you.  Anyway, my gripe is not at this juncture about the use of a hard shoulder, but the fact that no cunt seems to want to use it!

The fast lane was overcrowded, as people sat behind wheels waiting to, and wanting to, go faster.  In the middle lane, cars refused to move to the left, and were in fact making better progress on occasion, and so 'undertaking' cars in the fast lane.  In the slow lane was to be found the smallest volume of cars and lorries, as no fucker wanted the aggro of being trapped.  Suddenly, without any drop from the national speed limit, the overhead signs announced the existence of a fourth lane on the far left hand side.  The prominent signs were ignored.  I was in the fast lane and looked longingly at the empty space that presented itself.  But I was unable to take advantage.  This extra lane had nothing in it, making the four lanes a complete and utter reverse of what should in fact have been the case.  Those in the original slow lane suddenly found space to their left, but decided they were not inclined to move over - why should they, everything was fine and there were not too many cars affecting them.  Drivers in the middle and fast lanes were suddenly all annoyed at the lack of benefit transferred to anyone from the expensive lane, created from years of redevelopment plus disruption plus delay.  Eventually I moved left and left again.  Finally I moved to the far left, and was able to make progress.  The new system thus encouraged a mirror image of what is expected under the highway code, and the fastest lane was the slowest extra lane.  I can promise you that in about seven miles of tarmac I encountered (temporarily) just two cars, while the fast lane was clogged.  Madness.  Creating a lane is pointless if there is no thought as to what drivers may or may not do with it.

I did get some sense of satisfaction from seeing the lack of progress by a van [LD09 DVG] which was being driven by a cunt.  I say this because the dangerous driving was horrendous to watch, as the vehicle intimidated cars in front, tailgating.  Pulling in and out of the fast lane to gain progress, it has terrorised people for ages.  As I turned off and joined the M25, I noticed I was level with the arsehole, despite my steady and relatively sedate style, while he was so manic.  I will never forget GTN Plumbing on an 0161 number!

Slightly less dangerous, but alloying all the same, were the flying chips.  As I joined the M4 from the M25, the blue van in front ejected a load of chips.  I felt like a pilot who'd entered a flock of geese.  The occupant(s) of EG02 0AZ should have found a bin later!

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16.11.13 The X-Factor Week 6

Boot them all into touch, Dermot, they are S'O Dreary

Hannah Barrett

Nicole: "My Hannah Banana Barrett."
Hannah: "I'm trying to work out why I'm not connecting with the audience. Nicole thinks people need to see my personality."  [Shows how much Nicole knows, eh?  Fuck all.]
Nicole: "It's such a dope feeling."  [Twat.]

The performance was simply 'nearly average'.   2.8/10          

Elf: "You came out fighting.  A bit like Tina Turner. "  [No, Louis!  Not at all.]
Osbourne: "So good to see you enjoying your performance and having fun with it."  [No, luv.]
Nicole: Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Y'all Shit Shit
Hannah: "I had fun with it.  Hannah Banana is back."

Your fun is not my aim in life, Hannah.  I would rather listen to something that sounds good, and you are not it.  Also, if anyone else associated you with a banana, there'd be an outcry?


Luke

Louis: "I'm the only judge left with a full category."  [Maybe, Elf, but categorically not with full faculties.]
Luke: "It felt so good knowing Seal thought I'd chose the right song choice." [You're making less sense than Louis, Luke.]

Average singing.   5.5/10          

Osbourne: "If Keith Richards could sing, he'd sing like you.  It was very organic performance.  Stop laughing at me.  That dirty man go home."  [WTF? Complete and loopy embarrassment, you are.]
Barlow: "You've come back fighting this week, you really did."  [No, singing, Gary - but only just.]
Nicole: "Your voice reminds me of your hair - it's organic, it's real, its grown through this competition but it's got just enough grit and dirt in it.  Good jab." [You stupid fucking nob.]
Elf: "You made it your own."  [You've outdone yourself with this unique comment, Louis.]


Sam Bailey

Good, as usual.   8.5/10          

Barlow: "Just because you're a woman over thirty doesn't mean you're not going to sell records.
Shitsinger: "Butt Cheeks."  [WTF?  You demented twat.]
Sam: "I just went out there and made it my own."  [Yawn.]


Rough Copy

Gaz: "You've gotta come out fighting."  [Not singing, then, Gary?]

It was 'weak', 'rough', wimpy, 'insipid' or 'dodgy' - take your pick, as many as you like.   3/10          

Nicole: "Your energy is so infectious.  I was missing the chocolate.  I don't want you to miss your 'souly' roots."  [WTF?  I thought you couldn't get more stupid, but seems there was still a way to go.]
Elf: "You tick every box."  [You've outdone yourself again with this unique comment, Louis.]
Barlow: "We need you in this competition."  [Your view, not mine, Barlow.]


Sam Callahan

Sam: "I wanna stand out in this competition, and I'm not gonna sit here and play it safe."

Singing 'Faith' by George Michael wasn't all bad - there were three occasions when there were a few seconds of complete silence - and this helped.  It was lame.   2.8/10          

Osbourne: "You look defeated."  [And you look weird, luv.]
Gary: "You're not progressing as fast as the others."
Nicole: "I love a fighter, you're a fighter."  [Not a singer or guitar player then, eh?]
Elf: "You give me 150% every week, you're the hardest working contestant, the girls are going to vote for you."  [Thanks for nothing Louis.]


Tamera

Nicole: "I just need her to remember her lyrics."  [Well, that would help.]

Very mediocre, with some vocal dubiousness, and forgot the lyrics; why do they keep making allowances for her that she simply doesn't deserve? Because it's a fix, of course, and they're told to be careful with comments.   4/10           

Elf: "You made it your own."  [You've outdone yourself again with this unique comment, Louis.]
Osbourne: "Tamara."  [That's not her name, arsehole!]
Nicole: " This was a live show and you were living up there."  [Unlike the matter between your ears, Nicole.]


Nicholas

Elf: "You have to make it your own."

Good.   8/10          

Osbourne: "Sixteen years of age - I can't believe it."  [Seventy-six years of age - I can believe it.]
Elf: "That was the vocal performance of the night."

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16.11.13 Anti Bacterial Bollocks

How is it that after using washing machines for decades, we're now told we need another ingredient to ensure cleanliness?  Obvious the manufacturers of various liquids have steered us towards liquids and gels in place of powder, and have encourages use of various fabric softeners as well.  Ignoring the anti-static sheets and the scoops of Vanish that we really ought to be using as well, I'd say there was little need for further direction from the CIC.

It seems I am wrong, and that there has been a price to pay for us all washing at lower temperatures.  Yes, after the CIC nudged us all down the path of washing at 40 degrees, we ,ay have been saving energy and helping the planet, but it was not all good news.  Apparently, despite the claims and advertisements that washing at low temperatures did not compromise cleanliness, they were lying.  It did not stop them, though, pushing us on to wash at 30 degrees or even lower!  Meanwhile the nasty bacteria were having such fun.

Yes folks, your efforts to wash at lower temperatures, conserve energy and save the planet now mean that bacteria are not dealt with properly, and despite your £4.50 for twenty washes to get stuff brilliantly white, you'll now need another £4.50 to get rid of 99.99% of bacteria.

I have a solution, which is much simpler: save the environment from millions more plastic bottles and yourself from unnecessary expense.  Take one of the following three courses:

1 - Carry on with 40 degree washes and ignore the supposed bacteria scare.
2 - Go back to 60 degree washes.
3 - Buy only white clothes and bleach the fuck out of everything; that'll kill the bacteria

What a con, all this scaremongering is.

[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

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16.11.13 Doctor Who Cares?

Yawn

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16.11.13 Melissa Bachman - Inhuman

Can this be anything other than the definition of a complete cunt?

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