3.6 17 Horrendous Cunting English

Once again the pride must continue their search.  [David Attenborough making a pride plural]

These zebra are almost at the end of their journey.  [David at it again - 'zebra' is not plural!]

There were no mention of . . . [Tom Simons, BBC News]

What the enquiry say is . . . [Sanchia Berg, Radio 4]

Spectaculy.  [Radio 4 idiot reporter, missing a syllable and a brain]

But have Russia done enough?  [Garry Richardson on Radio 4]

Sins Fein is celebrating their best performance . . . [Kate Silverton talking shit]

It finds its way into all sorts of arena.  [Unknown idiot - pathetic news reporting, making 'arena' plural]

The selection criteria was very hard.  [Vicky Holland on Radio 4]

There is really quite good chances.  [Vicky Holland again]

To go through these sequence of questions.  [Sarah Montague on Radio 4]

Sofits and Facias.  [Rick Woodall Building Services Ltd van livery; he is unable to spell either word]

They have one of Hollywood's most longest marriages . . . . the couple have almost been married for 30 years.  [Daily Mail Online, with a double error; should be "have been married for almost 30 years"]

It hasn't sunken in yet.  [Tanya on The Voice]

It looks like the team are about to start their warm up.  [Screw Fix advert]

It's a pictoral journey.  [Idiot on Radio 4]

A bunch of 27 flowers were taken to a nearby care home.  [Daily Mail]

Every one of the 100 senators were called in.  [Nick Robinson on Radio 4]


And finally, the decline of the adverb is sadly relentless, as twats completely misuse the language with in most cases not a fucking shred of awareness.  We have, for example:

"Living healthier"

Living healthier what?  Lives?  Yes, that would make sense and be grammatically correct.  However, the cunt on TV narrating the advert meant "Living healthily" or "Living more healthily".  I despair.

...

3.6.17 Quotes of Note

I've lived here all my life; I moved here when I was seven.  [Danny Flynn on Radio 4]

The ceasefire on Monday has led to a significant reduction in hostilities.  [No shit Sherlock! Radio 4 News]

What should we know about Fanny?  [Mishal Husain on Today, Radio 4]

I'm fed up with all these piano-fingered ladies fussing around Fanny. [Sheila Hayman on Radio 4, talking about Mendelssohn]

Always keep away from children.  [Persil advert]

Bush, everyone!  Cracking performance.  [Emma Willis]

I don't agree with barbecues.  [TMWSC]

He's in the shallow end, paddling like a twat.  [TMWSC]

I really don't like people I don't like.  [TMWSC]

He's not Carl Sagan, is he!  [TMWSC, regarding xyz on his presenting of a property programme]

He's left a whole bunch of air.  [David Coulthard, inventing a new way of measuring air]

A good chunk of points.  [Lee McKenzie, talking shit on Channel 4 Gand Prix interview]

I find him strange.  [Mother of TMWSC talking to Mrs MWSC about Father of TMWSC]

...

3.6.17 Football Mumbo Jumbo

Now that we are done with football for a while, it is time to post some of the rubbish uttered by pundits and commentators.  Jermaine is starting to rival Alan Shearer and Andy Townsend as the master of bollocks, in the world of punditry and illiteracy.  Here is a sprinkling of football quotes and you will note some Jenas jewels in the mix.


Two chances at either end.  [At EACH end - football commentator]

A chance either side of the break.  [EACH side of the break - same commentator]

Things were going so smooth.  [Jermaine Jenas, smoothly doing it]]

The players in and around him enjoy his leadership.  [Jermaine Jenas - players in him?]

To put it plainly simple . . . [Jermaine Jenas]

As early as this chance has came.  [Jermaine Jenas - not coming good anytime soon]

They are easy picked up.  [Jermaine Jenas, fucking up so easily]

It's took that early pressure out of the game.  [Jermaine Jenas, taken with the play]

Almost an identical replica of the last goal.  [MOTD commentator]

It's comparable with other clubs in and around them.  [Alan Shearer]

Give a little go.  [Alan shearer, meaning a little give and go]

He scored an absolute fantastic goal.  [Phil Neville in need of an LY]

I think him himself has said that.  [Alan Shearer]

He had an absolute fantastic chance.  [Phil Neville, still missing the LY]

It's a great area for scoring goals.  [Martin Keown, referring to the six-yard box]

They watched teams drop points in and around them.  [Shearer classic - WTF?]

They shouldn't be getting beat.  [Dion Dublin, refusing to speak Engish]

Referees are letting go of it.  [Martin Keown, trying to say "referees are letting it go"]

He does it with a plum.  [Trevor Sinclair, reinventing "aplomb"]

Burnley are one of a number of football clubs . . . [Gary Lineker]

Them centre backs have to go wide.  [Phil Neville]

I never thought anything like this was capable.  [Idiot co-commentator on BT Sport]

If we do get beat . . . [Jermaine Jenas]

His talent is unlimitless.  [Lee Dixon, talking bollocks]

He's gonna stay in and around where he is.  [Ian Wright]

He struck it unbelievable.  [Phil Neville, who else?]

No one in and around him at all.  [Alan Shearer]

He's always in and around him, to help out.  [Jermaine Jenas]

They had three big moments in the game that indefinitely caused them to lose the game.  [Phil Neville]


...

13.5.17 Eurovision Song Contest Final 2017

Once again it's Eurovision time, when countries from inside and outside of Europe join in the palaver so that Graham Norton can chuckle along and give us his views on the wailing, shrieking and warbling, as well as the outlandish activities that occur on stage.  42 were whittled down to 26 for this evening's final.  Something to consider is that this is supposed to be a song contest, and not a singing contest.  Proper attention to this small matter would perhaps be something of a rarity.

Israel

IMRI - I Feel Alive

Rhyming 'fragile' with 'trouble' in the first line was not very impressive start, although the American pronunciation of 'fragile' got him a bit nearer to his objective.  Out of tune for the first minute was further trouble.  Sadly for us all he felt alive, and had to tell us repeatedly.  This was disposable shite. He was apparently a backing singer until a year ago, and it is obvious now to the whole of Europe (plus Australia) that he should have stayed behind the scenes.  Dire.


Poland

KASIA MOSS - Flashlight

A bit pained in her delivery.  Nevertheless, there were some unusual elements that gave it a pleasing feel.  Overall it was rather original, which has to be a good thing in this competition that's so often littered with 'anthems' about fuck all or corny stuff.  Sadly, though, my enthusiasm drained with every second of the performance, as she insisted on growling some of the words, and that is NEVER a good tactic.


Belarus

NAVIBAND - Story of My Life

Middle of the road fayre, even if I had no idea what was being said, where the road was, or what was on either side.  I was bored after 20 seconds, and despite not being able to speak the language, I clocked the repetition that killed any chance of artistic credence.  Heyaaa-o-hey-ho.  Simply frenetic, hippy-esque twaddle.


Austria

NATHAN TRENT - Running On Air

Austria's answer to Ed Sheeran was easy to listen to.  It reminded me of a young Stephen Bishop, which is no bad thing at all, and rather better than any reminder of the ubiquitous Ed Sheeran.  This should do well.  It's the sort of song that Corinne Bailey Rae would deliver.


Armenia

ARTSVIK - Fly With Me

Not quite what I was expecting from Armenia, but it was interesting, and I quite liked it.


The Netherlands

OG3NE - Lights and Shadows

Graham told us there were two twins, and this helped me massively because the number of people involved in 'twins' is clearly something that's not generally known!  Easy Listening, Dutch style.  A safe offering that ticked a number of boxes.  It didn't set much alight though, and was a bit forgettable, with a pitch that somehow niggled.  It reminded me of poor version of The Corrs. Nowhere near the excellent effort from The Common Linnets (Calm After The Storm) a couple of years back.


Moldova

SUNSTROKE PROJECT - Hey Mamma

Shit.


Hungary

JOCI PAPAI - Origo

It sounded like someone praying loudly for a fair while.  Then the snake-charmer music started, along with the clapping.  I lost interest in this completely. On stage, there dancing woman provided some interest, and her waist-length hair was lovely.


Italy

FRANCESCO GABBANI - Occidentali's Karma

Blimey!  This was crap.  As for the fucking gorilla, madness.


Denmark

ANJA - Where I am

This was an awful song with less going for it than a hunchback in a posture competition.  Formulaic and therefore unworthy; sorry, luv.  Her mouth spent most of the three minutes open like that of a hippo.


Portugal

SALVADOR SOBRAL - Amar Pelos Dois

A surprisingly lovely performance and song.  Delightful intonation and phrasing, and a smooth sound that was actually quite dreamy.  A real surprise!


Azerbaijan

DIHAJ - Skeletons

She spent some time listening to Tatu, I think.  The synths provided the backdrop for the standard chant/anthem/pop noise that was provided.  Not awful, and there was a familiarity from her voice in the lighter sections, but this was simply pointless, overall.  Angst and drums added to the discomfort for all.


Croatia

JACQUES HOUDEK - My Friend

What on fucking earth was this?


Australia

ISAIAH - Don't Come Easy

His effort in singing almost matched his effort in trying to look good.  17 years old, and already 'affected'.  Shoes but no socks is simply silly.  His pronunciation was horrendous for someone who is supposed to be able to speak English.  I am sure this will do quite well, but actually, it shouldn't.  The pretentiousness was overpowering.


Greece

DEMY - This is Love

Very typical of just about every dance record.  Nothing special at all, and of course, out of tune here and there.  "There's an echo in my head, and a story unread" she repeated a number of times, while two blokes played in a paddling pool in front of her on the stage.


Spain

MANEL NAVARRO - Do It For our Lover

He was certainly no Jason Mraz, despite an attempt to adopt a similar approach.  This should have been inoffensive - but it wasn't....... and is that the basis upon which we should be judging a song?  I think not.  This was a niggle set to dubious music, and a really weak effort - I think 'puerile' is an appropriate adjective, while some tuneless notes attached my ears.


Norway

JOWST - Grab The Moment

Basically this was a bit of a mess, and instead of grabbing the moment, they throttled it.  "I'm gonna kill that voice in my head" was promised by the 'singer'.  I wished I could kill his voice!  Shite.


United Kingdom

LUCIE JONES - Never Give Up On You

Evanescence gone wrong, I am afraid.  This was hard work to listen to - tinnitus would have been a blessing for those three minutes.  It should have been so much better but is was not up to much, musically.  It needed to actually 'get going' and have a more varied vocal range rather than a continual whine.


Cyprus

HOVIG - Gravity

The sort of song you hear once and would do well never to hear again - as that would be so unnecessary.  Awful words, poor vocals and two blokes prancing about behind him, pointlessly.  Perhaps the worst choreography ever devised.


Romania

ILINCA ft. ALEX FLOREA - Yodel It!

I defy anyone to make a judgement on this effort and produce a proper summary of what happened. Sheer lunacy, poor vocals, yodeling and bollocks. It was so very bad that it is probably 'good' !


Germany

LEVINA - Perfect Life

A pretty decent effort from Germany.  A fairly safe song that was better than the majority of the entries.  It should get steady votes.


Ukraine

O.TORVALD - Time

"How can three minutes be this long?" said Graham just as the song was about to start.  His comment was certainly not misplaced.  The song itself was not actually the issue, but the chaps could not sing it!  So, considering this is a song contest (and not a singing contest), it should have a chance.


Belgium

BLANCHE - City Lights

Subdued and interesting, and it managed to avoid the usual shouting, chanting and anthemic noise that so many consider essential in their efforts at winning. Well done, luv, for simply standing and singing.  I liked it.


Sweden

ROBIN BENGTSSON - I Can't Go On

"I can't go on," he said - but he fucking did!  AWFUL.  And no fucking socks, with trousers 5 inches short of his shoes!


Bulgaria

KRISTIAN KOSTOV - Beautiful Mess

He is just 17 years old.  Graham told us he was born in this century, but of course the year 2000 is in the 20th century, NOT the 21st century.  Tut-tut, Graham.  This was a really good song, and he sang it rather well.  It should be one of the top three, no question, if there is any justice.


France

ALMA - Requiem

A real let down, this.  She waffled away as though it was a shopping list, and this lightweight tosh was delivered in a rushed style that did nothing to improve her chances of coming anywhere near the top ten.


And that was it . . . . a painful experience and so much worse than most years. The three twats hosting the event were most certainly twats, and it was awful to suffer them.  I noticed that most of the Union flags being waved were upside down; I rather think suppliers in Ukraine made a mistake in production.  The voting will take up the next hour.

.....

7.5.17 Binmen Work Near Bin Lorries - Shock

Have you ever wondered what happens at the arse end of a bin lorry?  Have you ever struggled to understand their purpose, and felt frustrated at not knowing the answer?  If so, then you are no doubt one of those intended beneficiaries of a new approach to the council liaising with its council tax payers.

It is how possible to get a better understanding of what binmen do, and where they operate.  Thanks to new signage, I ma personally better informed as to the actions of men in high-visibility clothes who have historically loitered near large bin lorries.  As noted in the above picture, I can rest assured that they are in fact "working".  I was a doubter, I must confess, but now that I have seen the writing on the screen, I can be happy.  This assurance is a welcome addition to my common cunting sense.

I am slightly surprised that there has not, to my knowledge, been any movement by feminists to challenge councils regarding use of the word "men".  Surely there is a dungaree-clad (under the hi-vis of course) woman ready to rage at this outrageous claim - the "men" part not the "working" bit that is of course open to challenge from either sex.

On the way to work last week, I saw a monstrously large grey vehicle that comprised largely (circa 90%) a container, but foe a cab at the front.  I was suddenly taken with confusion as to its purpose, and why it was moving along quite slowly while a few chaps in yellow dress (whom I simply could not ignore, and whose outfits were visibly dazzling) collected things on wheels and fed the grey monster.  This weird phenomenon caused me consternation and a suddenly felt the urge to become reckless.

I was about to succumb to a feeling of erratic and spontaneous lunacy and ram my car into the mouth of the contraption.  I prepared to defend myself against this threat, because I simply had no idea what to do at all.  I was losing control and without come sort of check to my thinking, I would mow down the two highly visible creatures tending the monster's teeth.  Then, as if guided by a higher power, I looked up at the top right hand corner of the beast, and found guidance.  Yes, just as I was about to act recklessly, I was given the all important advice I was so in need of:

Caution - Workers At Rear 

The illuminated letters on the small panel were a great help.  Just to the right of the registration plate, in equally sized writing was the explanation for this whole spectacle, and the presence of a trash eating monster and its tics.  I had been about to drive into them, despite their highly visible yellow skins, but at the last moment, I noticed the subtle wording on the grey angular monster.  But for the foresight of the council's waste management department, I'd have been guilty of manslaughter.  How could I have possibly known that a refuse lorry might have people putting rubbish into the back of it?

...

6.5.17 Rip-Off Rates

Tombola has apparently won awards for 'social responsibility'.  This is the claim made on a TV advert I have just watched.  Is this in some way supposed to impress me, while encouraging my gambling so that they strip me of my wages?  Bow the cunting fuck is it in any way reasonable in this day and age for any sort of gambling site, casino or rip-off loan organisation to claim some sort of ethical prowess and integrity when the core reason for existence is to fleece people?

Obviously this is all online shite, but as I have previously noted, there is evidence of the same thing in the high street.  My last effort to see what a television costs at BrightHouse revealed a £1000 set costing more than double that, over the three years of paying for it - as detailed in the card next to the flat screen in the shop window.  Fleecing anyone in the categories of the desperate, poor, greedy and deluded in one fell swoop.  I have not set foot in the establishment of course, as it is an affront to retail.

Rip-offs are everywhere.  In fact, almost every 'offer' is accompanied by terms and conditions which in many cases contain information that undermines massively the claims made in the headline.  The latest fuck-around we have to contend with is the "deposit contribution" available when buying a car. Instead of discount, the manipulations now fuck people's minds in a new way.

The whole shite associated with choice, and switching is a nightmare. Electricity, gas, water, internet, phone, insurance . . . . cuntish games by organisations trying to get whatever they can squeeze out of unsuspecting customers, or those with any notion of loyalty.  Meanwhile, shameless cuntism in trying to lure customer.  When you challenge any of them, the cunts more often than not are miraculously able to match the rate that is available from a competitor.  This country and the markets are fucked, dishonourable, fixed, and without integrity.

...

6.5.17 EE - Everything Everywhere?

Unfortunately I have to report some dissatisfaction with EE.  An issue with my PAYG back-up phone led to my need for a visit to the shop.  The first attempt was fruitless, as the two staff seems rather preoccupied with customers.  I went about my shopping and returned to the very small shop, to find three members of staff, but none was able to attend to me.  I waited.  Eventually one of the chaps was interested enough to enquire if he could help.  As it turned out, he couldn't.

To find out what's happened to the £20 credit that was on my phone before it was killed by EE, I will need to call customer services.  Fucking stupid - the chap did not know anything.  So, EE or FAA?

FUCK ALL ANYWHERE

As things stand, EE has stolen my remaining PAYG positive balance without so much as a 'by your leave'.  Everything Everywhere?  No, Fuck All Anywhere.

...