Groove Thing
Basically, Welsh fidgety kids. Why are most dance troops made up of screaming youngsters whom no one dares upset? Ahhhhh - my fucking arse! Urghhhh is more appropriate. The small fidgets took to the stage wearing quality street wrappers, moving to 1970s music - nuts [hazelnuts?] considering they are all about eight years old. Welsh mums will apparently be so proud, according to Amanda. Welsh nums are probably 'Hailing Mary' or hailing cabs to take them for a stiff drink. Wales has got no talent tonight.
Jules O'Dwyer and Matisse
This was apparently going to be excellent, according to Mrs MWSC. However, much as the two dogs had clearly paid attention during the teaching process, their tricks hardly enthralled me.
"I felt like a little girl, again," said Amanda Holden. Looks aren't matching, luv.
No idea what that was supposed to me. David Walliams confirmed he too felt like a little girl. All a bit odd. There was another dog (Chase) who was in the act but got no billing. Then Dec told us it was time for a "quick break", and I suspected that it would be of standard length, and not as short as him. Annoyingly, the Morrisons sponsorship advert yet again included the cunt on the end being camp and irritating.
Bonetics
Bonetics from Essex wasted 30 seconds getting on to the stage via a swing. I then witnessed a young Andi Peters lookalike fidgeting in a disjointed way. Not as good as the auditions at all!
Revelation Avenue
Apart from singing a Beyonce song (which is simply unacceptable) this was a staid performance that allowed me to gulp some more lager without fear of missing anything. Halo? Goodbye!
"I love you when you're a miserable cunt," said Mrs MWSC, as she arrived with a kiss.
My misery had been displayed via a simple comment, after she said they were "a bunch of nice people". I, of course, said: "This is Britain's Got Talent, NOT Britain's Got A Bunch Of Nice People".
The Honeybuns
"They want to be Britain's next Big Girl Group," said someone, in the VT - Alesha, I think. You'll see that I made the 'B' a capital letter in the aforementioned. They started singing, and it was 'weak'. It progressed to 'weaker'. No, no, no. Who put them through?
We've got Little Mix - now we've got Big Mix. Oooh, Simon! On the nail. Aside from that, though, no one was prepared to say that the singing was completely average. Then Alesha mentioned their "USP". Sorry, Alesha, but they haven't got one!
Michael Late
Absolute shit! "A fondue of entertainment," said Amanda. Fuck-U.
Luca Calo
The 'singing' was horrendous as fuck! So 30 seconds was wasted. Then we were subjected to more cunting Beyonce this evening. The chap who should be wiggling in a gay club was sadly on stage on BGT, wasting my time/life/attention.
Alison Jiear
We have X-Factor for singers, but they still turn up on BGT, touting their sob stories and vocal chords. "Climb Every Mountain" was a fucking awfully lame song choice - who advises these people? Yes, she can sing very well; in fact, considering her voice is as good as Sam Bailey's, then she's a winner on X-Factor! The world is in a mess. Alison screamed her way to the final note.
Old Men Grooving
Unfortunately the surprise element from the auditions is always lost in the semi-finals, and this tones down the impact for the second performance. The test, then, confirmed a rather more limited appeal this time around. Yawn.
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