Yet again, there was forced exposure to Conchita Wurst. A real shame that the best song last year did not get the proper acknowledgements and airtime. I refer, of course, to Calm After The Storm by The Common Linnets - the Dutch entry.
Graham Norton got off to the usual start with quips galore. Then the bearded diva arrived to deliver the into song, while three hosts came on stage singing. Conchita was yanked upwards (not off) and then kids invaded the stage ahead of a crap rapper. If only this was the finale; sadly it was the opening bollocks.
Fifteen minutes in, I was flagging, while flags were waving on screen. Twenty minutes in, "act like a woman and vote" came at me from the black woman host. WTF?
Further to Graham's warning about flashing lights, there was an on-screen repeat of the warning. Sadly there was no warning about shit music.
1 Slovenia
Maraaya - Here For You
Sadly Maraaya was indeed here for us, with an affected, whining voice, and pronunciation that annoyed. "When You're Down, Down, Down, Low" (as she repeated numerous times) was fortunately a temporary state for me, lasting about three minutes - while she sang. I have no idea who suggested that a female dancer alongside her should mime playing the violin. Let's all hope that the singer gets medical assistance to remove the glue that's clearly stuck in her sinuses.
2 France
Lisa Angell - N'oubliez Pas
A song that is so very easily forgotten; now that's irony for you! The desolate looking backdrop on stage seems reminiscent of Chernobyl, for some reason. Meanwhile, in front of the nuclear disaster was a musical disaster for us to absorb. This was as depressing as fuck! Nil points, surely?
3 Israel
Nadav Guedj - Golden Boy
Hmm . . . what a load of tosh. "Hold me baby, I'm your trigger, you know that my love is bigger" sang Nadav. Auditory awfulness. The singing was a laughable as the antics on the stage, by the alleged 16-year-old (!) and four blokes prancing around him. No one could sing. As for the weird trainers, simply stupid. Graham said I am "dead inside" if that didn't put a smile on my face. Oh well, happy to be dead then.
4 Estonia
Elina Born & Stig Rasta - Goodbye To Yesterday
I have no explanation as to why this didn't annoy me. It was a bit flat, generally depressing, and had a weird and subtle musical nod towards Amy Winehouse. Was Stig off key at the beginning? Probably. It shouldn't work, and it's well short of lyrics, but not altogether unacceptable. Maybe I like gloom? Well done, Estonia. I am sure the recorded version would be fine. Elina shed a few real tears as the song came to an end. I can't say my own upset came anywhere near that, though.
5 United Kingdom
Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You
As UK entries go, I rather like this one. The definite style of music conjures up Jeeves and Wooster. It may well be rather too much a copy of Caro Emerald, but it's catchy and pleasant, and will hopefully (and justifiably) do rather better than entrants over recent years. It should be noted, though, that this live version was slightly less tuneful than my previous hearing of the tune; he was a bit off key. Anyway, distinctive all round. My OCD kicked in (or should I say 'standards') when the camera picked out the chap at the front holding a massive Union Flag - back to fucking front! Arghhh!
6 Armenia
Genealogy - Face The Shadow
This was simply too much like the shite served up in an Andrew Lloyd Webber show. Musical theatre is the home for this sort of guff - somewhere I never visit. The final build up to the communal wail was just distasteful. Less Evanescence and much more torture victims overlaid on the school orchestra tuning-up session. I was so glad when it was over. Amen to Armenia. "That was worse than I remembered," said Graham, before confirming: "We've plumbed the depths."
7 Lithuania
Monika Linkyte & Vaidas Baumila - This Time
Truly awful. Corny as fuck, lightweight and drippy. Then of course there can be no argument that the quality of the singing was atrocious. "Round and round" they'd certainly go if I had my way, stuck on a ferris wheel for ten years, and out of earshot. The irritation caused by this song should warrant a medical name - perhaps 'Lithuania' ?
8 Serbia
Bojana Stamenov - Beauty Never Lies
"Beauty never lies, no it cries, here I am" sang the big bird. A pretty good disco song, although I'd like to hear her singing something else rather than what must be some sort of message about big is beautiful (?) I think there's some sort of delusion in play; sorry luv, but the Emperor was wearing no clothes, and you are not beautiful. The PC brigade will however pat her on her backs. Nevertheless, the song will do well.
9 Norway
Morland & Debrah Scarlett - A Monster Like Me
This must surely do very well indeed. I liked it. Interesting as well as varied, musically rather decent. I liked the lyrics as well; this is a quality song. Well done Norway. If there's any justice, this will be near the very top.
10 Sweden
Mans Zelmerlow - Heroes
This will do well because it has the catchy chorus, and a definite style for the verses. I suppose there's never any escape from repetition. I don't think it's up to much, myself, but it'll tick a fair few boxes, and be well received. The generic disco beat showed a lack of imagination. The effects on stage were rather better than the song. If this wins, it proves that investment is better directed towards backing graphics than dancers.
11 Cyprus
John Karayiannis - One Thing I Should Have Done
Very simple, but a clean sound and he can certainly sing. I'm not sure how much appeal it will have around the continents (notice the 's'). Fairly good, and as a result, is unlikely to compete with the apparent requirement from most of Europe (and beyond) that there's some shouting, relentless repetition and some sort of anthem contained within. Oh well. Well done John.
12 Australia
Guy Sebastian - Tonight Again
In what must be the weirdest and daftest situation of all time, and an affront to worldwide education let alone geography, the Eurovision Song Contest has managed to annex Australia. As for the singing, I found it unbearable. The whine shredded my ears. The many thousands of miles travelled to get to Austria were pointless, mate. "We can do tonight again" sang Guy. Let's all hope he doesn't, eh? By the way, why was there a big bird wearing large incontinence knickers on stage? I think she filled them! "He's got one of those faces you'd like to have a go at slapping," said Mrs MWSC. I agreed with her.
13 Belgium
Loic Nottet - Rhythm Inside
In a complete and utter rip-off of Lorde, Mr Nottet deserves NOT to get points, and the writers should be sued. This obscene copycat effort should be disqualified. Get the lawyers on the case, Lorde. Shameful. Fuck off!
14 Austria
The Makemakes - I Am Yours
Host countries always do reasonably well. This rather uninspiring effort managed to reach mediocrity. No real offence caused, but nothing achieved or worth complementing. 1970s easy listening. The piano on fire was an interesting diversion, though.
15 Greece
Maria Elena Kyriakou - One Last Breath
The first minute was mainly whispering, and breathy rubbish. Maria then progressed to attempt getting meaningful and emotional, talking about one last breath. Not her own, more's the pity, because she continued to the climax that was a load of fuss about fuck all. It was not so much uplifting as desperate and depressingly DIRE.
16 Montenegro
Knez - Adio
Really nice music. No idea what was being said. This was middle of the road stuff that no doubt people listen to in Montenegro when they are driving down the middle of the road. Generally okay, but completely forgettable, so it's "Goodbye" indeed, Knez.
17 Germany
Ann Sophie - Black Smoke
Not too bad, but unfortunately it got to the shouting stage rather too early in the three minutes. A safe entry but middle order stuff only. She didn't need a microphone!
18 Poland
Monika Kuszynska - In The Name Of Love
Inoffensive (which is generally half the battle in the mess that is Eurovision) this was perfectly acceptable. It started slowly, built up a bit, then got a bit more definite just ahead of the rousing end that was apparently in the name of love. No idea what any of it was supposed to be relaying. The midway clap from the audience occurred when there was a clip of Monika walking. I can't really sanction the "sympathy" angle for the wheelchair user.
19 Latvia
Aminata - Love Injected
Love injected - sadly not a sedative, though, eh? The attempt at a meaningful performance was certainly quirky, and for that, congratulations are in order. I am being overly harsh, I suspect, because it was brave and at least original, and weirdly entertaining. This helped keep my interest at the 19/27 stage. Well done luv - different, but totally going nowhere.
20 Romania
Voltaj - All Over Again
All over again - I fucking hope not! I am joking (I think) because it was fine; generally. Not a likely winner, but more than respectable.
21 Spain
Edurne - Amanecer
How many points she gets will depend on the basis for voting. Musically it was rather lame, and a wail of great proportions. But there is some box-ticking in male quarters, I suspect. Let's see, but this shouldn't do very well. She may well believe that her efforts more than match Earth Song by Michael Jackson, but someone ought to tell her to calm down, and have some tapas and a tubo.
22 Hungary
Boggie - Wars For Nothing
One 'g' too many in the name, I'd say. Actually, I liked it. There's a video for this one, and it further confirms a similarity style-wise to the film Once, with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Sadly there was no input on this one from a male voice as good as Hansard, and the woman was nowhere near as good as Marketa.
23 Georgia
Nina Sublatti - Warrior
Rousing stuff. Not sure it was warranted, but there was certainly intent in relaying the message - not too sure what it was, though. She's been in danger for too long, apparently. Oooer! She managed to transform herself from an attractive young lady to a severe-looking angst-ridden renegade. Musically, this was crap.
24 Azerbaijan
Elnur Huseynov - Hour Of The Wolf
I have no idea where the 'wolf' comes into this. This bloke got worked up about something for a few minutes, and produced a reasonable noise. What was most disconcerting, though, was the peripheral input from two alleged 'dancers'. Completely weird and distracting.
25 Russia
Polina Gagarina - A Million Voices
A million voices, but still one too many for my money. The words to this tosh were so crappy that I'd rather she sang the recipe for bread and butter pudding. [I don't like that either]. Sorry, luv, but what you were singing was shite. As for the twee message, fuck off! You invaded Ukraine, so give over with your holier than thou message of love, peace and tolerance. Ha! If Russia wins, what will it do when hosting the event next year - and its enormous gay following? Russia winning will be a disaster on so many fronts. Fingers crossed.
26 Albania
Elhaida Dani - I'm Alive
"I'm Alive" she sang. Although I was hoping to make a quip along the lines of "Sadly, Elhaida, you are, and annoying the hell out of Europe, Asia and Australia", I find in myself an urge to tone that down just a little bit, though, because she tried hard. Considering Albanian music is hardly a genre that to date I've been enthralled with, I feel I can be objective. This simply did not work at all "Okay, it's three minutes we'll never get back," said Graham, and I had to agree wholeheartedly.
27 Italy
Il Volo - Grande Amore
Warbling crap. Yawn.
Time to draw a line under things, and leave the voting fiasco to a separate post.
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