Well I managed to stomach the first fifteen minutes of Tuesday's first heat, before complete nausea took over and I fell asleep on the sofa. There were two elements to the condition that caused me (mercifully) to miss almost the entire bollocks. Unsurprisingly, one was the quality of the contributors, and it was always going to be a travesty that of the sixteen participants, ten were going to be allowed through for the main event on Saturday. How much better would the whole fiasco be if the numbers were reversed, so that just six were allowed to progress.
Conchita Wurst managed to wail her way through an opening palaver and remind us all that he/she has a beard.
Much worse, though, than anything Wurst could do, or the sixteen noise-makers, was the horrendous double act of Scott Mills and Mel Giedroyc. Scott Mills has zero talent, personality, gravitas or value. This is simply a fact which suggests his presence on the show was orchestrated by either a plankton on an amoeba whose opinion was sought by some commissioning cunt-or-other.
Mel Gridlock, however, must surely be vying for top spot in the most irritating individual on the television, 2012 - 2015. The absolute inanity of her mutterings induced me to consider ending my life, after just a few minutes. She robbed me of any possible enjoyment from the off, and I faced myself to down some more lager before facing away from the screen and trying to fall asleep. I was massively more successful in my endeavours than Mel and Scott were in theirs. They were trying so hard, too hard, and it was painful on the ears. Should you be in any doubt that pain on the eyes would have been equal (if they'd had more appearance time than voice-over time) then take a look below -
Mel Gridlock and Grot Mills
This double act is likely to be hogging the screen again tomorrow evening, for the second heat. I for one will be nowhere near BBC3, and this diabolical pair can do one.
Sort it out, BBC ! Thank heavens that Graham Norton gets the main gig.
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