After last week's arduous process of kicking into touch seven from nine, in each of the nightly shows, we have arrived at a line-up of ten acts which will grow to twelve with a couple of 'wild cards'. These are set to be revealed, and my breath is so bated, I needed a drink.
Jessie MacParland was announced as the British public's choice. The judges opted for Boyband, giving us:
Four singing acts
Four dancing acts
Four non-singing, non-dancing acts,covering all else in the universe - comprising:
One magic act
One dog act
One comedy act
One squealing, wailing sword-carrying ninja kid.
Entity Allstars
Just when I'd overcome my annoyance at having to deal with the screaming, wailing ninja kid, I was faced with a legion of the fucking things, as loads of shouting little twats hit the stage to annoy en masse. "The energy, the passion and the determination, blah blah" was spewed by Alesha with no mention of talent or enjoyment. "We've pushed ourselves so hard," said a member of the school play cast, and I thought "sadly in our direction rather than off". 1 / 5
UDI
This was a third outing for a visual involving a blue guy beating the antagonistic red gut. I refer not of course to Cameron seeing off Miliband, but the laboured antics of the dancers who were lit up on stage. It was of course interesting, but unlike previous winners, Attraction, these chaps somehow manage not quite to 'wow' at the same level. It was certainly good, but not as inventive as necessary. 2.5 / 5
The Neales
Sentimentality took over last week, and on a ticket of blandness, the Neales rode into the final. How this was allowed to happen is beyond me - a national travesty. A minute into the performance, I'd not heard a decent note that was tuneful, correct, entertaining or not coma-inducing. This was dire, dire stuff indeed. "I wasn't crazy about the song choice," said Simon. He should have added "or the singing" to his critique. "You're here now, at the final, people have fallen in love with your family," tumbled out of Alesha's mouth, confirming that there was nothing positive to say about the singing or the performance. So, next year's contest is likely to be rebranded, as Britain's Got Some Nice People. Oh dear. 0 / 5
Boyband
"We was [sic] extremely gutted," said one of them in the VT, when they thought they were out. No place for grammar on BGT, then. On to the dancing, if you can call it that. Once again, the simple and effective performance that we first saw has undergone some sort of transition whereby styling takes over, fucking up what was natural and good. The tumbling on display was like watching school kids in the gym at the end of term, showing parents what they had learned. "I didn't like it that much," said Simon, and immediately said pretty much the same thing. Boring. tame and predictable, so unlike their first appearance. 1 / 5
Jessie McParland
I'm sure she is a sweet girl when she's not holding a sword, and that her parents love her. However, I see no point in bringing back a girl whose collection of awards so far totals 170, to try and win again. She'll of course face the two acts that beat her on Friday last week. The parents have indulged her such that she is a wailing nuisance. This performance was shit, and relies on adults not telling a small kid that she is in fact not entertaining at all. The fact that she was dressed in pink was further reason to dream about decapitation and other amusing things. Simon mentioned "My Little Pony" and all the judges humoured the girl, misleading her, and pointing her life in the wrong direction (rather than one direction, Simon). This is just another appearance in the parents' quest to promote/indulge her, and simply an alternative to the beauty pageant circuit. 0 / 5
DannyPosthill
He was excellent. 4 / 5
Calum Scott
"I'm doing it for me, my mum and my sister," he said in the VT. Not for us, then? The world's most irritating song was offered up to annoy the cunt out of everyone watching and listening. Awful. His semi-final performance was excellent, but this song was something he simply could not manage at all. There were parts where he mumbled and was off key. As ever, in the noisy bits, this deficiency is hidden somewhat. The stumble at the beginning was sure to get a mention, and it did. As Simon said, he picked things up in the second half, after the fuck-up. Alesha mentioned "amazing" for the 487th time in a week, while she, Amanda and David all used the descriptor "recording artist". Yawn. If we excuse the awful song, and the 'stumble' early on, then probably 3.5 / 5
Cor Glanaethwy
Excellent. I do struggle with four bus-loads of people counting as one act, but hey ho.. How could they ever tour, or get time off to appear when famous? A challenge indeed. 5 / 5
Old Men Grooving
The more 'production' that goes into the acts, the less appealing they are. Simple is often better than orchestrated and stylised. Boyband was wrecked by the stylists, as was the first act, the fidgeting school play members. Fortunately for the Old Men, they managed not to succumb to the fuck-up caused by interference, although there was actually a joy in the simplicity of their first outing. It held together because the five are different and mildly 'out of place'. 3.5 / 5
Jamie Raven
Astounding. Excellent. Lovely bloke. Not a singer or dancer! 5 / 5
Isaac Waddington
Fuck off, Isaac. Yes this is a brilliant song, and one of my all time favourites. But you sang this in the auditions. Lame! You areery good, depressing, but your pronunciation was as dubious as that from a lazy lip on a leper? Mumbling, with delivery completely affected, this was weird - despite his being talented without any doubt. What a mix up. 4 / 5
Jules O'Dwyer and Matisse
Let's really hope that a dog does not again win BGT. Yes, Matisse is clever, complies with training, and performs as directed. However, this is not comparable with other things. Training a loyal dog to do things for its master and taking advantage of that devotion is not really something that I find necessary to be entertained in life. Clever, but somehow odd. "You knocked it out of the park," said Amanda. Fetch, then! Apparently she loves her dogs, they are her life, and so we need to vote for her. Hmmm. 3.5 / 5
20 minutes of padding to look forward to, while votes are cast, counted and verified (whatever that involves).
Time to sign off.
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