Xtra Factor on Saturday was its usual amateurish affair,
with the lead taken by Sarah-Jane Crawford (CJD) and her overly loud style of
annoyance. The large lips do a poor job
of guarding the gob, and so we are bombarded with drivel at 133 decibels. The question and answer session has, every
week, been diabolical, serving as an example of poor television for the
world. This week I could stomach no more
than twenty minutes, abandoning things after she’d finished “interviewing” the
groups. The rabble of eight was reduced to
the less-than-magnificent seven, as one of their members was at home with his
Horlicks, trying to master his seven times table, two sevens being his age. The other target of the mad cow's attention was Only The Young, who were collectively of the opinion that they'd split the atom, reinvented the wheel, and achieved every alchemist's goal in life. Sadly (for us) they were simply elated at having sung yet again in a shit manner.
Saturday’s Halloween edition of X-Factor was a rather
dire affair, and the quality of judging matched the rather poor entertainment
offered by the remaining acts. Perhaps it was no surprise to find Cheryl Cole Tweedy Versini (CCTV) as annoying as usual,
with her prima donna stance on . . well, everything, actually. Whilst Xtra Factor suffers from the presence
of CJD, X-Factor suffers from ICS. This
is Irritable Cunt Syndrome, often and understandably referred to as Irritating
Cunt Syndrome. There is only one on the
show displaying all the symptoms, and she’s not Mel B.
So, let’s just have a round-up of the efforts on
stage. The Script performed in mediocre
fashion, but I think they are safe from ejection at the moment. The judges stood and clapped afterwards, and
I wondered whether they are contractually obliged to do so for all visiting
performers – surely so. The four of them
reverted to type for most of the show.
Elf was just pathetic but rationed himself to just a single mention of
Lauren’s age. Mel was loud. Simon was Simon. Cheryl was fucking annoying.
Ben Haenow
This formulaic noise was one reasonably suited to his
voice. Haenow Jam-tomorrow. I do wish that at some point we get to hear
something that shows some flexibility in his voice and performance, as I must
say that despite his not being the worst of the bunch, I do find him starting
to bore me. Highway to Hell; sorry, but we're already there, Ben.
Lauren Platt
Sorry, luv, but this time you were pretty awful. You lost your nerve with this week’s
performance, and your vocals were dodgy. I
can forgive anyone not being keen on dancing, but singing does count. Luckily for you you’re good enough to get
back on track.
Andrea Faustini
Elsewhere, Mel B was taking the piss out of her own act
by painting Andrea gold. For some unknown
reason, Mel B thought it appropriate to make a buffoon of him. He sang okay, but really, what a wasted week
for him. Sort it out, Mel. Silly and pathetic.
Jay James
I remain stumped as to why Mad World counted in any way
at all as relevant for ‘Halloween’. When Jay started singing, I cringed at just how lame he was, and tried to recall
where I’d left my shotgun. Luckily, and
eventually, he put us out of our abject misery and converted us to mildly
depressed with a faster second half to the song that should have come
sooner. He got away with it in the end, but he's another one whose record I would not accept free let alone buy.
Stereo Kicks
St Winifred’s School Choir must be quaking in their boots
after seeing their place as queens of the playground being taken by the Dublin
Primary School, managed by Caretaker Walsh.
In any group of eight kids, three will be able to sing, three will be
capable of joining in, and two can multitask by picking their noses and holding
microphones. Thus we have Stereo Kicks
offering a singalong akin to Val Doonican on a Christmas Special. Yawn.
Lola Saunders
Sadly for us, the judges decided to make her feel better
through complementing her on her looks and confidence last week, and now she
thinks she’s Bette Midler. Unfortunately
she is no more than ballast for a few weeks, and will be back to gutting fish
for Christmas.
Jack Walton
Jack Shit was completely Walton, with horrendous vocals
and a continuing laziness in delivering lyrics, let alone musical tones. He was always a busker whose luck was set to
turn at the drop of a 2p coin (the denomination used by Ed Miliband this week
to reward a street beggar). I wouldn’t
give tuppence to hear this nightmare of a song ever again, yet some crazy fools
will no doubt be downloading the racket to their phones.
Only The Young
Monster Mash
was the worst choice of song imaginable, and I shuddered as I realised what
they were offering in a bid to save them from the bottom place. Only the young will have enjoyed this, and I
refer to the under sevens, all watching the TV dressed up in the utter shit
that their parents bought for them in Poundland
earlier in the week. Any adult must
surely agree that their singing was crap.
Yet the judges offered complimentary noises and collectively suggested
to us thick viewers that the foursome had come back stronger and were more like
the performers they wanted to be.
WTF? Do they still have Redcoats
at Butlins?
Fleur East
Well, there is no disputing that the best performer in
the contest is Fleur. This week, while
her dancing and stage presence set her apart from the rest, the vocals were a
bit off. Still, as with Lauren, it was
easy to escape real attention for this when the competition still has dross
dripping from it.
Paul Akister
As ever, the voice-over man announced ‘Paul Akaster’, and
as I pondered how an ‘i’ could be pronounced as an ‘a’, Paul bored me. Okay, his singing was okay, but his
pronunciation and twang on the words with an ‘a’ in them was annoying. Not the worst.
Stevi Richie
The slow quiet stuff was appalling. His breathy delivery of the shit lyrics was
horrendous, as he moved around the stage.
I talk not of Dermot, but of Stevi, dressed as the Phantom of the
Opera. To be fair, as entertainment, it
was actually pretty good, singing aside of course.
A few of the notes were good when he chose to sing a bit louder. I fear, though, that rather than demonstrate
to us any real ability to sing properly, we’ll get a ‘fun’ song again next week
– you know the sort, when NO cunt has any fun at all!
Sunday Results
The communal song was dreadful, and there were so many bum notes. Cuntin Crap! This summed up the whole weekend on X-Factor. Simon, get it sorted!
CCTV
Introduced by Dermot, she was preempted by the VT telling us how many records she's sold etc. Then, we were shown on screen "Cheryl". What about the Fernandez-Versini then? Double fucking standard when it suits. As for the song, called I Don't Care, it was bollocks, and displayed just how shit she is. Dermot had asked the other three judges just before this awful performance which of the acts needed to up their game, and the truth is, CHERYL. Any follow of from Dermot regarding "who's in trouble this week" would have got a unanimous CHERYL. No way was she singing naturally on that diabolical song. "I Don't Care" rather sums up your whole attitude this year CCTV!
Let's hope you're not invited back.
Let's hope you're not invited back.
The Sing-Off
Lola and Stereo Kicks managed to gain the two places in the sing-off. Well done, both, well deserved. Lola (definitely not a showgirl) decided to go into labour, and laboured like fuck in delivering her version of Natural Woman. She tampered with it so much that it was a fucking mess! A wailing wazzock who simply sounded awful. The Stereo Cocks opted for not singing in tune at all. They all struggled, and then hoped that eight voices warbling together would mask the mediocrity. It didn't. Dire.
Elf: "I love Lola, I went to her home."
CCTV: "Blah, Blah Blah.
Mel B: "That was your best performance." Fucking atrocious comment!
Simon: "The person who sang the best was Lola."
It went to dead-loss, and the public decided that Lola was going home. Sadly Cheryl was not in the running for ejection, despite singing worse than Lola. That means CCTV is down to just one contestant still in - Lauren.
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