X-Factor in its current format is basically doomed. I think there has to be a major revamp, and I am not talking just about ejection for Mel B, Cheryl NotTartan-ButTweedy and Louis Walsh. No, things need changing rather more than a switch of judges.
Finally we have managed to shake off Stevi Ritchie, but as in previous years, we have endured dross at the expense of real entertainment. Just like Wagner and Jedward before him, Stevi has been the 'laughing fodder' and has annoyed just before an overdue exit when the last five get down to a proper contest for top spot. This familiar process is mirrored by the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing show where we've had in recent times a similar phenomenon, and overdue exits for Ann Widecombe, John Sergeant, Dave Myers and latterly, the horrendous Judy Murray - where's 'Punch' when you need him?
Add to this X-Factor fiasco the really awful weekly themes and you'll understand just how lame and outdated the whole mess really is. 'Big Band' week was the most dire experience ever, and then we get served songs by Whitney Houston and Elton John. Hmmm . . . that's very current, eh?
As for the performances of the jostling judges, I have to conclude that all need shooting. Cheryl Veranda-Gazebo is so fucking tedious that she makes the Elf seem like scintillating company, and Mel B has run her course.
ROUND ONE
Ben Haenow
Ben wailed as usual, and strained while giving his formulaic performance. I can't really warm to this sound week after week.
Lauren Platt
Dodgy vocals all the way. Really quite terrible, all allegedly linked to the throat infection.
"For me that was faultless" said Louis. Twat.
Stereo Cocks
The VT ahead of the "singing" was cringeworthy. Tulisa featured, looking like a lizard after OD-ing on Botox. The noise that this collective spewed was overlaid by the numerous rabble such that Enya could have produced it. This was an endurance test, getting to the end of the shit. Teenage girls have a lot to fucking answer for. Lets hope their thumbs are unable to text this week.
"The track swallowed you tonight," said Mel. "I like it when I can hear your voices."
I wish something would swallow them, Mel. As for your second point, I think the complete opposite.
Fleur East
Louis spun round in his chair, wearing an inane grin as he watched Fleur walk around the judges desk, while delivering a middle-of-the-road song. She is of course a polished performer, but the song itself was a bit limp.
"You made that song cool, hip and current," said Mel. Er . . . no.
Andrea Faustini
"My boy, Andrea, is gonna smash it," said Mel. I am so tired of this constant talk of "smashing it" and "killing it". It ended up all rather too 'high pitched' for me. Cheryl WhyAyeMan-HelloPet called him Andrea pronouncing it like the girl's name. "You made it your own," said Mel. Yawn!
ROUND TWO
Lauren Platt
In the VT she saw her go back to school. Anyone would think she'd been away for more than a couple of months. Fair play to her, though, because this effort was a whole lot better than the first wavering song. She redeemed herself. How come she's suddenly no sick, then?
"You are the perfect little pop star," said Elf.
"You smashed it," said Mel B.
"You've shown aged 17 you can power through and troop on," said Cheryl FurBollocks-FairDinkum
Ben Haenow
"Okay, so, . . . . . . blah, blah," said Mel. Anyone who inappropriately uses the word 'so' is a twat.
Cheryl Persona-NonGrata was booed by the audience - always a wholly appropriate action. Ben's voice is so one dimensional.
Stereo Cocks
A right fucking disaster and travesty! They should all be wrapped in a tarpaulin and thrown into a canal [weighted down with bricks, of course].
Mel's daughter (Phoenix) was apparently in the audience and she loves them. Yawn.
Cheryl BecauseI'm-NotWorthIt said it was better than their first performance.
Fleur East
She is surely the most accomplished performer that has featured on X-Factor for some time! Super.
"The higher registrar," said Mel, in her round-up, instead of referring to "register". This idiot was talking fucking illiterate cuntin bollocks. Fuck off, Mel B (for Bollocks).
Cheryl Trivago-Tombola talked shit, mumbling something bland.
Andrea Faustini
He sang well enough, and did his thing. He should of course progress in the competition.
ROUND-UP
Twat
If there's any justice, the Stereo Kunts will be evicted tomorrow, and Louis (the Elf) will be found a place in a retirement home. Cheryl Gazpacho-Lambrini will learn she's not welcome next year, and Mel B will simply fuck off.
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