21.11.14 X-Factor and Pass The Parcel

The Truth About Last Weekend

It seems that last week, we experienced a bizarre and terrible game of pass the parcel, culminating in a final 'pass the buck' incident.  Let me explain.  On X-Factor, there are two brain cells in operation at any one time on the judging panel.  I discount any real input or relevance to Mr O'Leary.  He suffers from severe Dermotitis, but is able to function on autopilot, after being configured by Simon Cowell.  Thus, Dermot trundles along without concern, care, thought or real ability, though remains inoffensive as well as bland.  On the judging panel, there is one brain cell permanently positioned with Simon, not surprising seeing as he is top dog.  The other brain cell is shared by the other three overpaid sedentary muppets.

Let's make no mistake, Louis Walsh is useless at the game (and everything else, including talking sense) and until last week, never held on to the brain cell for more than a split second, enough time to give him the ability to keep breathing.  Most of the 'pass the parcel' time was taken by Mel and Cheryl, who tried to hang on to it for ages, and passed it very slowly - sometimes between each other and ignoring the dimwitted Elf all together!

Last Saturday, it all went horribly wrong, after the sing-off between Jay James and Stevi Ritchie.  When the music stopped, Louis was left in charge of the brain cell!  This fluke, as rare as a lunar eclipse, left the two women floundering. First, Simon confirmed that he was saving Jay, and ejecting Stevi.  Clearly his brain cell was working properly.  Dermot O'Blimey then asked the Elf for input, and a strangely coherent Louis Walsh, empowered by the brain cell that was giving him the will to do more than just breathe, confirmed a similar view - that Jay was being saved, and Stevi was to go home.  At 2-0 with the women still to vote, it seemed a done deal.

Simon had, on Saturday, confirmed that Stevi Ritchie's performance was probably "the worst ever" on X-Factor, and whilst Jay James was awful in the sing-off, he was not worse than Stevi.  Possibly to try and retain personal integrity, Simon chose to save the very weak Jay.  Mel B has for weeks been moaning about Stevi, and she was now being presented with a chance to eject this nice chap who has no talent for singing.  But Louis was smiling through the power of the brain cell recharging him, and Mel had no ability to function sensibly.  She opted to highlight that Jay was bad (true) by voting to eject him even though Stevi was worse.  What a hypocrite, after her previous comments about this being a "singing competition", and she needs to go after this series. 2-1, and Cheryl was up next.

Cheryl was without a brain cell; the last time this happened, she hit a toilet attendant, so I feared for Simon who was sitting next to her.  She looked bewildered as the camera turned to her for her vote.  She struggled to make any sound, a familiar state of affairs after all her time miming, but eventually decided that "deadlock" was the promised land, and proved herself to be a waste of space.  Talk about shirking her responsibility.  Still, at least she didn't thump Simon in the eye.  Nevertheless, this little fuck-up together with her general demeanour this series should hopefully be enough for her own elimination from X-Factor after this series.  There can surely be no doubt that she has lost the affections of the general public (not that I ever held her in any esteem at all) and if she goes, I'll be giving an enthusiastic 'why aye' - and hopefully not getting a 'black eye' for my trouble.

The deadlock at 2-2 meant that Dermotitis had to take an envelope containing a card on which the public's decision was written, and read it out.  His configuration meant he needed no brain cell of course, and as the judges looked and listened on, the Elf still grinning and keeping hold of the brain cell, Dermot O'Nearly confirmed Jay was going home.

This all happened because the natural order of things was upset.  The music at the end of the sing-off stopped 0.0128 seconds too early, and Louis Walsh was in possession of the brain cell.  This Sliding Doors moment changed the course of things.

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