Basket Case, Louis Walsh (AKA The Elf)
After the fuck-up by Mel and Fernandez VerGina last week, keeping in Stevi Ritchie, they had the nerve to show their faces again this week.
Lauren Platt [Aged 17 in case you don't fucking know]
"How Will I know?"she sang/asked. She was reasonable enough.
"I really feel like I now know you," said Mel. Is that what it takes, Mel?
"You're 17 years old and you want to be a pop star," said Simon. Really?
"For a 17-year-old girl blah blah blah, why aye," said Cheryl Verbatim Verruca
Ben Haenow
"Everybody tells me you're the nicest guy in the house," said Louis. Well, that counts for everything doesn't it? NO!
Meanwhile, Cheryl Verging-on-illiterate said it was not the time to take a risk, and certainly "Not that iconic of a Whitney song," thus proving her inability to speak English, talk sense, or pronounce anything without it sounding like a whine or a whinge.
Only The Young
The 3-11 age group is the target audience for this foursome, along with Louis Walsh, of course. A job at a holiday camp beckons after ejection from the competition. The shortcomings in the quality of the singing, harmonising and sounding any better than average are overlooked by the younger audience.
"Your vocals are always on point," lied Mel.
"There's nobody out there like you; we need to remember that," said VerTweedy. "Thank heavens," said I.
Andrea Faustini
The wailing diva delivered the usual, steady (arguably middle of the road) performance that should keep him in the running. He can certainly sing, and in a singing competition that helps.
Fleur East
"I'm Every Woman" was performed with some aplomb, and I still think she's the best all round performer.
"Wowzer," said Mel. "I wasn't mad on what you were wearing," said Cheryl VerMimer Rose-arse Weedy. That's rich coming from someone who looked liked Kermit at the beginning of the series, and moved on to wrapping herself in clingfilm!
Stevi Ritchie
"I'm Still Standing (thanks to Mel and Churlish)" was served up with his usual inability to sing. The eight women on stage with him were rather more entertaining than Stevi.
"What was all that about?" said the Elf.
"Right now there's problems in the house," said Mel.
"I think it's amazing that you're here; congratulations," said Cheryl FerFuckSake. It's fucking amazing that YOU'RE still here, luv!
"I don't know what Brian was thinking," said Simon.
Stereo Kicks
The Elf still needed to refer to his list when he introduced the eight chaps by name. The song was "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" and bored me to cunting death. Why they got a standing ovation I've no idea.
"Your harmonies were on point," said Mel, yet again missing the cunting point.
"We just don't want it to end," said one of the trainee prefects, ensuring a final lack of originality from the contestants this week. If we are not careful, then we just might get to learn that some cunt or other is "having fun", "having so much fun" or hoping to "make my family proud".
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