Sadly Michael Caine wasn't around to 'eliminate' the shit acts last night. I think someone needs to invite him along to the next show.
"My two bands are going nowhere," said Louis Walsh in the VT before Dermot took to the stage. Well said, Elf . . . at least you know they are crap, even if you don't know the names of your own acts, as demonstrated during Xtra Factor last night! What damning state of affairs.
"I'm not 75, Simon . . . that's my IQ"
Cowell announced that Cheryl Fernandez-VerTweedy has made history today, having a fifth Number One single: I Don't Care. How apt; that's the name of the awful song, but I really couldn't give a fuck!
In no particular order, we learned who was back next week, and fucking Stereo Kicks were announced first! Criminal! Fleur East got through, followed by Ben HayNow OatsLater and then Andrea. Lauren was 5th, keeping Tweeny Verseedy in with a chance. Stevi got through to remind me of Wagner. A bloke in the audience kept shouting "Only The Young" as if his outbursts would carry any fucking weight. The three left were kept waiting (as were we) while we were treated to another advert break. I apparently needed to endure a lecture by Unilever, be told about iPhone6, and then have Mylene Klass touting Littlewoods at me. 'Dragon 2' via Blinkbox can fuck off as well. Sainsbury's was up next, followed by a perfume ad, and some expensive stuff called 'Alien'.
Dermotitis thought it necessary to interview the judges while the three acts sat and waited. The inane comments from Simon, Louis and Mel amounted to "Sing your heart out". Thanks to all three for that, and to Dermot for making sure we received such valuable and educational input!
One Direction were up next, with a mediocre (that's being very generous) song. I waited for it to finish, and while the five chanted like kids in a playground, I recited by 23 times table in my head, up to 506.
Another fucking advert break! TRESemme, Vodaphone, Burger King, Kellogg's, A Whitney CD called Whitney Houston Live (ironic, eh?) and then TSB, Virgin, Nintendo DS. I would like to highlight that Kellogg's cereals apparently have 5 essential nutrients in every bowl, whereas One Direction had 5 non-essential nutrients!
Only The Young got the last slot, so Paul Akister and Jay James were demoted to the sing-off. Paul stuck to his tried and tested method of not pronouncing anything properly, and introducing 3.1415926 syllables when one will do, all the way through the fucking song. "I'll Be Your Clown" he sang - he succeeded.
The nasal whine which is Jay James was next up, and he sang a slow number and he managed to tease a burst of tinnitus in my right ear [the left one was killed off by Paul already].
Both should have been ejected, of course, but the agony is not easily disposed of when there's a set number of weeks before the Christmas show. Simon stating that Jay is "a dad" had no fucking relevance. Mel saved Paul, obviously. VerTweedy saved Paul and Louis saved Jay, so 'deadlock' and the public vote. Paul lost, and we all won as a consequence. Bye. Or should that be a seven-syllable "by-y-y-y-e-e-e" perhaps?
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