3.3.18 Robyn Cowen and the Shriek-O-Meter

Congratulations to Ian Williams, one of the many reporters on Final Score, charged with giving us news on a football game.  Today's programme was hosted by the slightly annoying Eilidh Barbour.  I say "congratulations" because Ian scored zero on the Shriek-O-Meter.  He was willing and able to divulge his observations in a normal voice, without any hint of a fucking shriek.

Ian Williams was the clear winner, with his 'zero' on the scale, maintained over more than a single report.   A similar score was achieved by another 'Williams', namely Mike Williams, who also managed to remain normal during his one delivery.  There were, however, some other commendable performances.

Level 1
Kenny Crawford, Peter Slater, Chris Wise, Adrian Cottier, Hamish Marshall

Level 2
Joe Shennan, Ivan Gaskell

Level 3
Laurence Herdman, Sue Smith

Level 4
Mark Scott, Adam Whitty

But soaring above all of these were two real shriekers, vying for top spot.  The ludicrously loud Naz was determined to kill my ears.

Level 9
Naz Premji

But he could not claim top spot.  No, this was captured with absolute certainty by Robyn Cowen.

Yes, her horrendous, nasal, grating tirade was by far and away the most offensive reporting style of the day (and week, year, decade).  The pitch and loudness of her input is what the Shriek-O-Meter was made for.  She scored a perfect TEN.

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21.1.18 Criminal Labour Discrimination

There can be no excuse for this.  Outright racism by the Labour Party.  This level of discrimination is simply criminal.

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14.1.18 Why The UK Is Fucked - No. 673

Speaks for itself.

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14.1.18 Unnecessarily Long

For some reason, those in charge of BBC4 are determined to present us with programmes which have unnecessarily long titles.  Perhaps this is thought to compensate for the boring nature of the content, or perhaps the schedulers feel they have to explain exactly what the programmes are all about because otherwise we would not be able to work it out.

BBC4

The Race for the World's First Atomic Bomb: A Thousand Days of Fear
Timeshift: The People's Liners - Britain's Lost Pleasure Fleets
The Celts: Blood, Iron and Sacrifice with Alice Roberts and Neil Oliver
The Secret Life of Books: Confessions of an English Opium Eater
The Fairytale Castles of King Ludwig II with Dan Cruickshank
Better Than The Original: The Joy of the Cover Version
Je t'aime: The Story of French Song with Petula Clark
Annabel's Nightclub: A String of Naked Lightbulbs
Named and Shamed: Greatest Celebrity Scandals
Performance Live: Why It's Kicking Off Everywhere
Harry Potter and Whatever Absolute Fucking Bollocks He Is Involved In This Time
Bear About The House: Living With My Supersized Pet
Booze, Bar Crawls and Bulgaria: Stacey Dooley Investigates
Hits, Hype And Hustle: An Insider's Guide To The Music Business
Play It Loud: The Story Of The Marshall Amp
Henry VIII's Enforcer: The Rise And Fall Of Thomas Cromwell
Art, Passion And Power: The Story Of The Royal Collection
Catching History's Criminals: The Forensics Story
Anjelica Huston On James Joyce: A Shout In The Street
Timeshift: How To Be Sherlock Homes - The Many Faces Of A Master Detective
The New Builds Are Coming: Battle in the Countryside

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13.1.18 Britain's Brightest Family - Not

Horror Show

There can be no doubt that one of the most dire quizes ever aired on British television hit our screens last week.  The offending programme was Britain's Brightest Family, hosted by Anne Hegerty.  Sadly someone advised her that she could be 'funny', and as a result, her input in this half-hour horror show was more misplaced than a hippo in the Arctic.

I challenge you to watch this week's offering, scheduled for Wednesday at 8.00pm on ITV.  You will I am sure find it hilarious because it is so bad, it's funny.

The concept of 'family' was itself a cause for concern in my own mind.  Teams comprised just three members on each team.  One family was mum, son and brother.  The other was a precocious girl, her dad and her uncle.  So both has a school-aged member, and two adults.  I was then treated to a run-down of their various 'qualifications' which included degrees, plus memberships and certificates.  In the hope of being impressed and entertained, I awaited the contributions of these bright sparks.

What a cunting farce.  Anne laboured through the script like a broken down snow plough dealing with an avalanche.  I was dumbfounded, and found myself incredulous at the six seated contestants and their collective lack of knowledge.  Here's an example.

Shakespeare Play

This teaser managed to stump all of them, and The Tempest was not volunteered.  Such was their uselessness and/or lack of speed in answering questions that in no way could count as challenging enough to help us all determine a 'bright family' let alone Britain's brightest fucking one.

The points 'system,' was itself laughable, because each correct answer was worth ten points - for no good reason at all.  There was no variation in the standard ten points, so the flexibility that might have been afforded by this 10-point approach was not needed.  The last five questions were scored at 20 each, just to undermine anyone who had done well but might then struggle with the last few - obviously when you get the questions wrong is a vital part of the system for judging, eh?  The final score was 160 - 120.   Sadly, the animated girl was on the winning team, so her little fist pumps and 'yes' utterances that so annoyed were not killed off in this round.

To close, Anne treated us to a teaspoon full of humour at least, by advising us viewers that the winners were through to the 'quarter finals'.  What the fuck?  These numpties were through to what?  I challenge ITV to explain how the fuck the entrants were decided upon.  I resent massively that there is an absolute certainty in play here - that the winners of Britain's Brightest Family will ABSOLUTELY NOT be Britain's Brightest Family.  I suggest that this is a real flaw and significant enough to undermine the whole cunting thing.

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13.1.15 Freshwater Twat

"My name is Jeremy Wade, biologist and underwater detective."

This was the pompous introduction delivered by the man himself in last night's programme, River Monsters.  No, matey, you are a fish botherer, fish fondler and a freshwater twat.

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12.1.18 Asda Yoyos and Foreskins

So much for the alleged 'Rollback' bollocks that Asda relentlessly touts.  I would like an explanation from those in charge, so that I may understand the process by which a store can be laden with red signs announcing this policy, while certain items are sold at prices that do not roll anywhere other than forward.

Below the banners I've seen this week that the 4-pack of Pot of Joy has been sold at £2.40.  This is the same item that was sold for the two weeks before Christmas at £1.

Similarly, the multi-packs of Peperami are £2.75, rather than £1.00 - the price that Asda decides to sell them at from time to time.

There is no 'Rolling Back' in operation at all.  Rather, the process at Asda is Yoyo.

There is so much evidence of this shite.  2-litre Sprite fluctuates between £1.85 and £1.00.  However, this week it has been upped to £1.25. 

I wonder if there might be much forward and backward rolling of the pickled elephant foreskins?

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