8.10.16 X-Factor Ad Nauseam - 2016 Competition

The nightmare truly gets underway today, after the lunacy of the 6-chair challenges, most notably in respect of the hapless and hopeless champion of the lobotomy, Louis Walsh.  As the epitome of an oxymoron, this disaster of a 'judge' has no sense of judgement, and yet is empowered enough to deal us all a cruel blow by fucking up at choosing the best three from his final seven.  Yes, folks, at every stage, Louis is a loser.

Smug Simon will display smugness, and talk bollocks while talking up a show which is riddled with shite.  The piss is so surely being taken out of the viewers that there need be no ad breaks for trips to the loo.  Of course, the ad breaks and competition announcements, recaps and other padding constitute a third of the schedule, so we had better all be prepared to have our pain cycle stretched.

So who is lined up for us:

Sam Lavery

I was driving through the Tyne Tunnel this week, and above the entrance (surely a distraction to drivers) was the illuminated message "X Factor - Vote Sam Lavery".  It would seem that the competition is not about talent, but instead is one where regional voting is to determine things.  Why the cuntin fuck was this sign allowed?  I ask this in terms of a) driver safety b) musical taste, and c) geographical bias.  Whatever, Louis will be calling her a pop star, and reminding us all that she is only 17, the same as his IQ.

Giftie Louise

She has never had the best voice, but in the shows so far has managed to present herself confidently and determinedly.  This has demonstrated a presence and assuredness that marks her out as a contender.  She is certainly very mature for her 20 years and is going to do well.  I suspect her presence, movement on stage and general presentation will serve her in much the same way as was the case for Fleur East, meaning that the okay singing will be complemented and assisted.

Emily Middlemass

She is one of the favourites, and is perhaps one of the more natural personalities in the competition. I expect her to do well, and though she is 18 years old, has a fair amount of confidence.  I remember her not quite making the live shows a couple of years ago, when she deserved to go through.  The only real danger comes not from the resident elf, Louis, out to criticise song choices to try and dig at Simon, but from Ryan Lawrie, the drip with whom she's paired up.  His influence can be of little benefit to anyone, or anything, even a needy puppy.

Honey G

The inclusion of Honey G in this year's live shows is so much more to do with those orchestrating the competition than any relevance to talent.  She's been put through at the expense of worthier people, so that we can be annoyed at her in due course.  Her delusions and confidence combine to give us a crazy presence that in the next few weeks cannot end well, whether musically, emotionally or with regard to entertainment. The flop will be a metaphorical belly flop.  Sharon will try to convince us that Honey G is 'for real' and is talented - in much the same way that she did all those years ago regarding Tabby.  Silly moo.

Saara Aalto

Saadly she was given a second chaance, and this overly eaager semi-professionaal taalent show aaplicaant will almost certainly aannoy us to bits. Her clear voice is not without some merit, bit saadly it is presented to us by its owner.  The Finnish woman will finish early in this competition, and do so aafter struggling to be understood - and I don't mean linguistically.  Having said that, she opted for French in her second song at the 6-chaair chaallenge.  I find her aannoying.  She has no X-Factor, but does have a dollop of A-Factor.

Relley C

I struggled to understand how Relley C got through.  I rather think Sharon Osbourne was going for a set, much as one does in Monopoly, and so needed Relley C to go with Honey G and Saara A.  I do not predict great things, and expect her to last only while (or if) the dross is cleared out in the first couple of weeks.

Matt Terry

Is he the one that allegedly "the girls will love" (Louis being an honorary girl, of course)?  I am already bored and have run out of things to say.

Freddy Parker

Not sure how he got through, and as with Matt, I have very little to say, other than recalling slight annoyance.  Maybe he'd rubbed shoulders accidentally with Saaaara Aaalto.

Ryan Lawrie

The weakest and wettest of the boys (and he did have to go some) Ryan managed to get a place in Nicole's last three by some weird magic.  There is no logical reason or any reason linked to an ability to sing, why he managed to get included, unless there was some sort of Cowell command that his own act (Emily) needed comforting and cuddles.  In a sleight to Sharon, he avoided giving this 'honour' to the rapper, and so it's Ryan who's charged with applying honey to Emily's G spot.  Get ready for the lame comments about the two being an 'item'.

Louis 'The Elf' Walsh has surpassed himself this year, after a disastrous contribution in the lead-up to the live shows.  Never in the field of human decency, integrity and intellect has there been such a fuck-up.

Bratavio

Bradley and Ottavio - two of the worst excuses for singers ever to grace the stage are about to annoy the cuntin fuck out of the UK, and most certainly me! Fuck off, X-Factor, and your fucked up standards of decency.  Four of Diamonds must be pulling their nails out at the injustice!  The Elf is the numpty who will oversee the mess, as these two twats parade and wobble and warble.

Brooks Way

They were, until now, The Brooks, but the name has been tweaked.  Sadly these nondescript brothers haven't been, so they continue to shuffle down the middle of the road, towards mediocrity.  I suggest we park them up in a cul-de-sac fairly early on, but somehow they'll linger, I suspect.

5 After Midnight

Surely it should be 3 After Midnight?  They are a long way from being mint, but very likable chaps who bounced around at Judges' Houses.  I can hear the numerous references to "having fun", especially of course from The Elf.  I think they'll do okay, and there are a number of far worse acts filling the lineup this year.

....

27.8.16 Prescriptions, Eggs and Zulus

This morning was intended to be normal, with a quick trip to the shops, and no reason to get frustrated.  However, North Yorkshire befuddlement kicked in.  I left the house, and called in at the Post Office to get stamps.  I was beaten to the door by a woman with child.  Sadly the child was an annoying little cunt, and the mother (or Gran, I couldn't tell) was a useless twat with no authority.  I stood behind her, as we all waited for the chap at the counter who was commanding total attention from the two servers, as he seemed to be withdrawing a large amount of money, including many bags of coins.  Who the fuck needs to do this on a Saturday morning?

The little cunt decided to tamper with some toy cars that were for sale on a stand.  He whined and pleased for shit.  The big twat allegedly in charge of him was devoid of any power of persuasion, let alone authority, and had the panache level of a fucking granite block.  Instead, she amplified his moan with her own cuntin' whining, and attempts at telling him what to do (and not to do). I noticed a circular stand containing dvd/cd language courses for sale at £14.99. The top one was Learning Persian, and at the bottom I was astonished to see Leaning Zulu.  What the cuntin fuck?  I have not seen a black man in over ten years in this part of Royston Vasey - sorry, North Yorkshire.  Who on earth, well, locally, would consider on the off chance opting to pick up a course in learning fucking Zulu?

Mafia man was still having his money counted and I decided to leave.  I could always call in on the way back when attention might be forthcoming.  I crossed the road to Lloyds Chemist, and handed in a prescription.  It would apparently "only take a minute" according to the uniformed assistant.  With no one else in the shop, I had no reason to doubt her word.  I decided to nip to the Co-op for a paper and Lottery ticket.

I got my paper and a ticket, and ignored the weird 'event' that was underway, involving the attempted sale of cakes (of unknown origin) that were sweating on a trestle table to the side of the tills.  The sunshine was killing them slowly. Obviously the main characteristic of any cake is its moistness, and these little fuckers were being drained.  Drained of any enthusiasm, I limped to the chemist, hoping for a swift pick-up, having already pained the rip-off charge.  "It won't be a minute," said the assistant, a different one from five minutes earlier.  A man entered, with a hand that needed some input.

I never got to see the hand, but heard all about it.  It was not painful, but it was sore when touched.  It had swollen, and he had no idea what had happened.  It apparently could have been a cut, a bite or a close encounter with the third kind. He wanted some appropriate cream to put on it, if any such cream existed.  The assistant decided that the pharmacist should be called.  As if by magic, a Zulu appeared!  Yes, the irony was phenomenal.  The black man was helpfully and courteously unhelpful, suggesting the chap with the dodgy hand ought to wait a couple of days, but he did not miss the opportunity for a sale, and suggested also some anti-inflammatory cream.  A woman in a suit appeared and told me my prescription would be ready soon but it had to be checked.  This was the role of the Zulu.  [I am of course being politically incorrect, but for comic effect feel entitled to milk this irony to within an inch of its life].

I waited some more, and then some more.  Assistant number one was lining up packets of massively overpriced tablets, so they looked 'nice'.  Eventually the handyman left the shop, having bought some cream.  I considered that the four fucking staff were collectively devoid of any urgency in their efforts to serve the community.  After the pharmacist unbelievably bought something for himself from one of the two uniformed assistants at a till around the corner, he then returned to the main till and collected a small red basket.  Two minutes later he walked back to the till, and contained within the red basket was, at last, a white sealed packet with my prescription inside.  He checked my address, pointlessly, as no other cunt had handed in any prescription in the last half hour!  As I left, I heard him checking with one of the two gawping assistants that I had paid.

I called in at the butcher for some free range eggs.  Despite having the exact change ready (£1.20) there were none on the counter top, so I was denied the opportunity of leaving my money and taking the eggs.  I quickly surmised that my wait would be annoying, as I was behind two people. Unsurprisingly there were three other people in the premises, but only one serving, of course.  The current transaction was for a sandwich involving hot food, and I considered that the butchery business had undergone an unwelcome transition; I left the cunts to it.

Forgetting to get stamps, I returned home flabbergasted at the complications and annoyance that had arisen in just fifteen minutes within the immediate vicinity of my house,

Ho hum.

...

14.8.16 No Blue Badge

Outside Lidl last Sunday, I watched a red Fiat pull up in one of the Disabled parking bays.  When a bloke and a woman hopped out, I was curious as to one or other's disability.  A check of the windscreen confirmed no sight of a blue disabled badge.  They looked at the potted plants, and then went inside to do their shopping.

Dis-cunting-graceful behaviour.  Who the fuck do they think they are?

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14.8.16 Why the United States of America is Fucked

In the modern world, we are so often told that "choice us good".  That's great for a general statement, but what happens when the choice available is far from good?  This is exactly the case in the USA.

The country is faced with the dire option of having Trump or Clinton as President.

Both are odious creatures whose credentials for being President are alarmingly non-existent.  This being the case, what possible hope is there for decency and competence for hundreds of millions of people?

Evil Witch, not to be trusted at all

Anyone who trusts this woman, or thinks she can be trusted is away with the fairies, actually where Trump lives.  A conniving and manipulative dishonest woman is surely no role model let alone a serious contender for ultimate power!

If she were a patriot, she would retire from politics and let someone else have a chance.  But she seems to think she has a right to office, as if it is her destiny.  Sadly Trump's existence may make that come true.

She will drone on like an irritable cunt for years, smug and devious to the core, if allowed, if elected. This would be a travesty, and yet the real travesty is that she is potentially a winner because she attracts the alleged quality of being "a safe pair of hands" for the country.  How sad is that.

Dangerously Mouthy

Donald Trump, along with his plastic wife, manages to annoy millions at a time with his ludicrous pronouncements.  He threatens stability with his outbursts, and will be a nightmare of a President. Ordinarily he should have no chance of winning.  However, he does have a chance, because his rival is an horrendous choice of candidate put forward by the Democrats.  Why there seems to be an expectancy from that party (and a sense of complete entitlement on her part) that Hillary deserves to be top dog is beyond me.  It is this state of affairs that has allowed Trump to give it a go with a chance of success.

The question on many lips is "Will Trump actually be that bad, or will he get better, and once in office be a bit less of a loose cannon?"  Anyone able to find a "Yes, most likely" outcome will surely turn to him, and successfully avoid the sin off voting in Cunton.  Many will not do so, and be fearful of DT having real power.

What a fucking mess.  (Still, I cannot claim the UK is much better, having allowed the evil Tony Blair to stay in office for so long.)  In summary, it is the dire state of politics and the so-called system that has let everyone down, and given them this awful choice.  Some might say that the system is so awful it is no surprise that the head-to-head is between two thoroughly unacceptable beings.

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14.8.16 Football Bollocks

The football season is underway, and so it's open season for the twats who have no command or understanding of the English language, or even the slightest awareness of grammar.  On Match of the Day, Alan Shearer is, as ever, harping on like a nob with his "asking questions of" theme, as though every man in a shirt is a quiz master.  To kick off the season, we've just had these:

We wanted to galvanize each other together.  [Mike Phelan]

You get the ball in and around him.  [Ian Wright]

It's gonna be a long, hard season.  [Yawn . . . Shearer]

In case you're in need of further evidence, perhaps it is time to review the last 12 months.  It must be time to reflect on the complete bollocks that's talked by the presenters, pundits and commentators. There is no end in sight regarding the relentless crap that leaves mouths, while pay levels for the culprits seem inversely proportional to linguistic prowess.  A basic level of English is not even a requisite, let alone an ability to think about what's being said, content-wise. The inanity of the exchanges confirms we would all be better off having no 'expert' opinion included in any TV programme.  For those who seem to talk about quality, and typically the lack of a little bit most commonly in the 'final third', the idiots are somehow oblivious to their own complete lack of quality. As for grammar, words fail me.  Here is a sample of what I'm talking about.

Jermaine Jenas is clearly on a mission to beat Alan Shearer to the top spot, with his utter drivel, all delivered under the guise of trying to seem intelligent.


Q: What are they missing?  [Gary Lineker]
A: A little bit of quality in the final third.  [Danny Murphy]

There was some heroic performances.  [Danny Murphy]

I expect a good new few additions next season.  [Danny Murphy]

He should not be getting beat.  [Jermaine Jenas]

They was overran at times.  [Jermaine Jenas]

He was kept getting into these positions.  [Jermaine Jenas]

We're gonna try and clamp this out completely.  [A Shearer classic]

The most unlikeliest of goal scorers.  [MOTD commentator]

They couldn't be any closer separated.  [Elidh Barbour]

Question marks about the Chelsea defence.  [Jonathan Pearce]

Once again, question marks in that Bournemouth defence.  [Jonathan Pearce]

I'm gonna minimalise the risk.  [Jermaine Jenas]

Gary's not somebody who goes down unless he's got a problem.  [Danny Murphy]

Look at the amount of numbers they've got.  [Jermaine Jenas]

He has to real concentrate on that one.  [Jermaine Jenas]

Swansea played a real good part.  [Jermaine Jenas]

They haven't really exerted themself.  [Andy Townsend bollocks]

There's a little bit too much reliant on Sergio Aguero.  [Trevor Sinclair]

Like any good striker, he's in the office.  [Trevor Sinclair]

They put in 4, 5, 6 passes, and kept the ball patient.  [Glenn Hoddle]

He's got goals in him; he can score goals.  [Andy Townsend]

He likes to drag people in and around the ball.  [The wanker maestro, Andy Townsend again]

When you're playing all the others in and around him.  [Change the record, Andy Townsend!]

It didn't have the support in and around him, did it?  [Shut up, Townsend!]

They've got to get someone in and around him.  [Another Alan Shearer classic]

,,,

28.5.16 Britain's Got Talent Final

Britain's Got Talent has quite typically ensured that singers dominate the line up.  Still, there are a few finalists who don't warble.  Sadly someone thought it appropriate to invite Katherine Jenkins to warble like a twat during the start of the programme, to introduce the judges.  A fucking horrendous racket was served up by her, oh so cunting needlessly!

The public's 'wildcard' act was rather predictably a fucking dog.  The ballet dancers were put through by the judges.

Balance Unity  1 / 5

His semi-final performance did not warrant qualification for the final, so I was not holding out any hope of a decent final performance.  He fidgeted and wobbled along with various theme tunes and music snippets, while pulling faces.  I was bored before the first minute was up.  Overall, fucking lame. "What a way to start the show," was of course leaving the lips of the comperes before Walliams even got a chance to speak - and then say the say fucking this, as always.  Yawn.

Time for the first "quick break," as announced by Ant.  The first advert up was for the Suzuki Vitara, featuring Ant and Cuntin Dec! 

Richard Jones  4.2 / 5

Something non-singing and non-dancing; well what a turn up!  What an original and well-pitched performance and story.  Very interesting and fitting, and a brave type of performance.

Time for "a break." and as it was not announced as a "quick" one, I decided I could served myself seconds of the roast chicken dinner. the stupid competition meant I had even longer to load my plate.

100 Voices of Gospel  - 0.0025 / 5

The screaming shite that was served to us in the auditions was outrageously awarded the golden buzzer.  And so it came to pass that tonight we were served another helping of shite.  The lead singer was/is/always will be a verbal bully, and a shouting fucker.  How can anyone be so unlikable?  Then she made it worse by singing/shouting/wailing about Jesus!  FUCKING CUNTING HORRENDOUS!  "I don't know where to start," said Alesha.  I fuckin' do! "That was what we call perfection," said Simon, and I lost any smattering of respect that still remained for him.

Alex Magala  4 / 5

This chap has shown us he is dedicated as hell.  His approach to entertaining us is severely radical.  I resisted the urge to try anything like this at home, and Mrs MWSC was able to breathe easy (and not get the Flash ready to mop up blood).  Amazing input from a chap who pushes boundaries.

Mel & Jamie  2 / 5

Without a break, we were into our third act in a row!  The first time these two were on stage, it was good, and the mother stood back.  In the semi-final, she dominated, and I was surprised they got through.  Tonight I was unsure what the plan would be.  As it turned out, it was a rather boring dirge, and I was bored as hell.  The shit song was a cliche and a half, and so the best from these two came from that first audition.  Simon commented in line with this until his comment on tonight, saying it was as good as the audition . . . well, it wasn't!

"Time for a another quick break," said Dec - well it was overdue, wasn't it!

Shannon & Peter  2.2 / 5

This performance was pretty much what I expected.  I did not agree with Simon, though, as this time it was not any improvement on the last effort.  Still, they will have enjoyed getting to the final.

Jasmine Elcock  5 / 5

Superb!  A truly lovely performance and person.

"Time for a quick break," said Dec.

Trip Hazard  1.5 / 5

I thought we'd got rid of the dog, but I'd not reckoned on the cuntin public vote reintroducing the mutt.  I was bored to death.

"We'll take a short break now," said Ant.

Beau Dermott  3.8 / 5

Sadly she's not especially likable, and whilst she is an accomplished singer, the stuff she sings is hardly of much interest.

Craig Ball  3 / 5

This seemed like a bit of a challenge for him, and it started to show as he lost his bearings.  There was nothing new here.

Boogie Storm  0.5 / 5

Never has an act been so unworthy of being in a final.  Utter SHITE.

"Time for a break now," said Ant.

Wayne Woodward  4.5 / 5

Solid as ever; he's a natural at this.  What a personality.


Who knows how the public will vote in the 16 minutes allocated for the task.

...

14.5.2016 Eurovision Song Contest Final

Petra Mede & Mans Zelmerlow

The annual madness that is Eurovision means a marathon television session as usual. The schedules allowed three and a half hours for this year's event from Stockholm.  Graham advised us that while the semi-finals usually filter out the dross, this year a couple of howlers have crept through.  I think it is fair to say that every single year there is dross on stage, whether in the semis or in the final.

Belgium 

What's the Pressure?  More like 'What Was the Point?  Maybe you had to be there to get into it; unfortunately it was a flop.

Czech Republic

I Stand.  What dreary load of tosh.  I wish she'd decided to sit, backstage. Alas, we had to endure her whining and wailing.  "Stand down, luv," I implored. Dire.

The Netherlands

Slow Down.  Middle-of-the-road stuff.  Bland and with some dubious singing here and there.  The sort of song you'd never want to hear the first time, let alone again.  Give me back my 3 minutes!  After two minutes he stopped for ten seconds.  Sadly that was not the end and another minute came.

Azerbaijan

Miracle.  A woman called Samra warbled her stuff.  Inane drivel lyrically, and rather awful musically.  It was always going to take a miracle for this to get anywhere.  I think she got the gig for her looks, as she simply can no singing ability.  This was horrendous.

Hungary

Pioneer.  Freddie strained away, and avoided (to our cost) a fucking good cough.  As a result, we had to listen to his throat rasping.  Three jiggling backing singers were bizarre, but not as strange as the monk banging a drum and having a fit.  This was just a racket and needless.

Italy

No Degree of Separation.  No idea what she was saying at all.  She seemed to get into it.  It was very wordy - in Italian of course.  The, half way through, she switched to English for 30 seconds!  I think it may have been quite good, but her singing was weak.  Peculiar performance.

Israel

Made of Stars.  Not quite Savage Garden but he made a decent attempt.  Yes, it was fairly repetitive but that's to be expected at Eurovision.  It started to lose its way as the volume increased in the second half but it was the best after the seven.

Bulgaria

If Love Was a Crime.  Graham built this up, but it was not worthy of his intro. The singing was atrocious, and for me, that's a rather important element in a fucking song contest.  It was catchy in a horrible way, as it offended ears in a catchy way!

Sweden

If I Were Sorry.  This was interesting, and a nice change from the amateurish pop that's served up most of the time.  Slightly self indulgent but nevertheless it was a long way from offensive.  It will do very well.

Germany

Ghost.  "There isn't a single thing about this woman that doesn't annoy me," said Graham!  He was on the money.  Her pitch was at a level that hurt my ears, and I willed it all to end early.  Sadly is droned on.  Awful.

France

J'ai Cherche.  The chorus was catchy - You-ou-ou-ou-ou, he said, in between various rubbish in both English and French.  It was weak, and so dreadfully repetitive that I willed it to end.  I could do with not hearing that again.

Poland

Colour of Your Life.  I was annoyed instantly because the word 'colour' was written 'color'.  This is the Eurovision and not an American event.  His desperation as he sang was annoying as hell.  Why do performers insist on assaulting ears with a vengeance?

Australia

Sound of Silence.  The sound of silence would be better than most of the acts so far.  This effort was not too bad.  A bit too much wailing and repetition but at least she was marginally better than most at singing.  Why Australia has been adopted permanently is simply ludicrous.

Cyprus

Alter Ego.  The lead singer couldn't sing, and so this desperate attempt at performing was doomed to failure.  Flashing lights, cages and smoke could not help in any way.  This was embarrassing, and should get nil points.

Serbia

Goodbye (Shelter).  The woman in black had a weird style and struggled to pronounce a single word correctly.  This had a detrimental effect, because all the way through I was fucking fuming with her misplaced passion, and perverse use of sound.

Lithuania

I've Been Waiting For This Night.  This followed the Eurovision formula very well.  Some quiet bits, a loud and catchy chorus, a building volume as we were all supposed to buy into it.  Unfortunately it was rubbish.

Croatia

Lighthouse.  "The backing singers may be in some sort of witness protection programme," said Graham.  A strange sound, though not actually that bad.  The trouble was that I could stomach a bit of her, but not the full 3 minutes, and as they passed (so very slowly) she got worse, and more grating.

Russia

You Are the Only One.  "Thunder and lightning, it's getting exciting," he sang, and I disagreed.  The special effects on stage were good, but that's got fuck all to do with it!  This was a serious attempt to win.

Spain

Say Yay!  This was a club dance track, and although it was all a bit messy, it will no doubt appeal to many.  I must say that I quite liked it.  Obviously I have had to lower my standards significantly to find anything bearable this year.

Latvia

Heartbeat.  This was hard work to listen to.  It was all over the place vocally, and featured intermittent shouting at full volume.  There was nothing to recommend it to anyone who is not hard of hearing.

Ukraine

1944.  What can I say.  This was a one-off and so hard to evaluate.  I commend the originality and suspect that she is Ukraine's answer to Kate Bush.  I found it very interesting and off the wall.  Hopefully it will do well.

Malta

Walk On Water.  I wished she would indeed walk on water, at a steady pace west, across the Atlantic.  Pretty awful, cliche trash, and annoying as fuck!

Georgia

Midnight Gold.  I have no words.  This was terrible when the chap was singing.  

Austria

Loin D'ici.  Sung in French, and better than France managed!  It was okay, but so, so repetitive.

United Kingdom

You're Not Alone.  I hadn't heard this beforehand, and I don't feel I'd missed out in any great way.  It was passable, and certainly much better than many of the acts.  Sadly, the UK is not liked generally, and always struggles for votes.

Armenia

LoveWave.  "You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou," she wailed, and replicated the entry from France.  She thinks she's Anastacia, but she wailed just a bit too much, questioning any link to music.


This year's entries and performances fell a long way short of last year's.

Result

1sr Ukraine
2nd Australia
3rd Russia

[Arguably none is in Europe]

...