Petra Mede & Mans Zelmerlow
The annual madness that is Eurovision means a marathon television session as usual. The schedules allowed three and a half hours for this year's event from Stockholm. Graham advised us that while the semi-finals usually filter out the dross, this year a couple of howlers have crept through. I think it is fair to say that every single year there is dross on stage, whether in the semis or in the final.
Belgium What's the Pressure? More like 'What Was the Point? Maybe you had to be there to get into it; unfortunately it was a flop.
Czech Republic
I Stand. What dreary load of tosh. I wish she'd decided to sit, backstage. Alas, we had to endure her whining and wailing. "Stand down, luv," I implored. Dire.
The Netherlands
Slow Down. Middle-of-the-road stuff. Bland and with some dubious singing here and there. The sort of song you'd never want to hear the first time, let alone again. Give me back my 3 minutes! After two minutes he stopped for ten seconds. Sadly that was not the end and another minute came.
Azerbaijan
Miracle. A woman called Samra warbled her stuff. Inane drivel lyrically, and rather awful musically. It was always going to take a miracle for this to get anywhere. I think she got the gig for her looks, as she simply can no singing ability. This was horrendous.
Hungary
Pioneer. Freddie strained away, and avoided (to our cost) a fucking good cough. As a result, we had to listen to his throat rasping. Three jiggling backing singers were bizarre, but not as strange as the monk banging a drum and having a fit. This was just a racket and needless.
Italy
No Degree of Separation. No idea what she was saying at all. She seemed to get into it. It was very wordy - in Italian of course. The, half way through, she switched to English for 30 seconds! I think it may have been quite good, but her singing was weak. Peculiar performance.
Israel
Made of Stars. Not quite Savage Garden but he made a decent attempt. Yes, it was fairly repetitive but that's to be expected at Eurovision. It started to lose its way as the volume increased in the second half but it was the best after the seven.
Bulgaria
If Love Was a Crime. Graham built this up, but it was not worthy of his intro. The singing was atrocious, and for me, that's a rather important element in a fucking song contest. It was catchy in a horrible way, as it offended ears in a catchy way!
Sweden
If I Were Sorry. This was interesting, and a nice change from the amateurish pop that's served up most of the time. Slightly self indulgent but nevertheless it was a long way from offensive. It will do very well.
Germany
Ghost. "There isn't a single thing about this woman that doesn't annoy me," said Graham! He was on the money. Her pitch was at a level that hurt my ears, and I willed it all to end early. Sadly is droned on. Awful.
France
J'ai Cherche. The chorus was catchy - You-ou-ou-ou-ou, he said, in between various rubbish in both English and French. It was weak, and so dreadfully repetitive that I willed it to end. I could do with not hearing that again.
Poland
Colour of Your Life. I was annoyed instantly because the word 'colour' was written 'color'. This is the Eurovision and not an American event. His desperation as he sang was annoying as hell. Why do performers insist on assaulting ears with a vengeance?
Australia
Sound of Silence. The sound of silence would be better than most of the acts so far. This effort was not too bad. A bit too much wailing and repetition but at least she was marginally better than most at singing. Why Australia has been adopted permanently is simply ludicrous.
Cyprus
Alter Ego. The lead singer couldn't sing, and so this desperate attempt at performing was doomed to failure. Flashing lights, cages and smoke could not help in any way. This was embarrassing, and should get nil points.
Serbia
Goodbye (Shelter). The woman in black had a weird style and struggled to pronounce a single word correctly. This had a detrimental effect, because all the way through I was fucking fuming with her misplaced passion, and perverse use of sound.
Lithuania
I've Been Waiting For This Night. This followed the Eurovision formula very well. Some quiet bits, a loud and catchy chorus, a building volume as we were all supposed to buy into it. Unfortunately it was rubbish.
Croatia
Lighthouse. "The backing singers may be in some sort of witness protection programme," said Graham. A strange sound, though not actually that bad. The trouble was that I could stomach a bit of her, but not the full 3 minutes, and as they passed (so very slowly) she got worse, and more grating.
Russia
You Are the Only One. "Thunder and lightning, it's getting exciting," he sang, and I disagreed. The special effects on stage were good, but that's got fuck all to do with it! This was a serious attempt to win.
Spain
Say Yay! This was a club dance track, and although it was all a bit messy, it will no doubt appeal to many. I must say that I quite liked it. Obviously I have had to lower my standards significantly to find anything bearable this year.
Latvia
Heartbeat. This was hard work to listen to. It was all over the place vocally, and featured intermittent shouting at full volume. There was nothing to recommend it to anyone who is not hard of hearing.
Ukraine
1944. What can I say. This was a one-off and so hard to evaluate. I commend the originality and suspect that she is Ukraine's answer to Kate Bush. I found it very interesting and off the wall. Hopefully it will do well.
Malta
Walk On Water. I wished she would indeed walk on water, at a steady pace west, across the Atlantic. Pretty awful, cliche trash, and annoying as fuck!
Georgia
Midnight Gold. I have no words. This was terrible when the chap was singing.
Austria
Loin D'ici. Sung in French, and better than France managed! It was okay, but so, so repetitive.
United Kingdom
You're Not Alone. I hadn't heard this beforehand, and I don't feel I'd missed out in any great way. It was passable, and certainly much better than many of the acts. Sadly, the UK is not liked generally, and always struggles for votes.
Armenia
LoveWave. "You-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou," she wailed, and replicated the entry from France. She thinks she's Anastacia, but she wailed just a bit too much, questioning any link to music.
This year's entries and performances fell a long way short of last year's.
Result
1sr Ukraine
2nd Australia
3rd Russia
[Arguably none is in Europe]
...
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