21.9.13 X-Factor Farce Last Week

This is a delayed post of my observations from last week's shenanigans just ahead of tonight's offering from the tampered-with world of ITV and X-Factor. My ears were assaulted by pathetic utterances, and I wondered whether to stick my head in the oven.

Saturday

Thomas The Tank Engine (TTT) otherwise known as Gary Barlow, was able to deliver in deadpan style: "I'm so excited" while looking and sounding anything BUT 'excited'.

Kingsland 'performed' although I would take the case to the European Courts if I had to, to contest this view, and the comments afterwards included:

"A lot of thrustations" from Nicole Scherzinger, who drawled and talked shite with non-English.

"This could be the start of the rest of your lives" from Louis Walsh (aka the Elf) and I was numbed by the inanity of this outburst from the twat.

Rough Copy 'sang' complete bollocks and 'rough as fuck' was my assessment of the contribution to the evening.  This warbling tosh was applauded by the judges, though, and I lost faith in any objectiveness that I'd hoped lingered in the vicinity of the X-Factor roadshow.  Nicole exemplified the shite with:

"Now that's what I call a Rough Copy experience" which of course was a meaningless comment.

Liddia & Ryan was the freak input for the evening, and clearly we were all supposed to be outraged at the nerve and uselessness of the duo.  What a pity that the increasingly annoying Nicole referred to them as "Liddi and Ry" in her comment.  Stupid woman.  TTT managed to do rather better with his input:

"You couldn't get a gig in an empty pub."  Well done TTT.
"You are the two most deluded people I've heard all day" was the Elf exclamation.

These quotes were topped by the two twats who avoided any sense of talent, when Liddia said: "We're off to The Voice."  Good luck, love.

Giles was presented to us after a VT showing him with his mum and dad in the queue.  Twee.  He was a nice chap, and told us: "I've been waiting for this all my life" and we learned that he was/is only 16 years old!

Lydia Lucy was good, though she shouted a bit.  The worst element was/is her name.

Nicholas McDonald seemed a nice chap.  The 16-year-old was asked 'Why do you want to be a pop star?' by Elf, and the answer was "Because I'm rubbish at school."  TTT voted 'No' while the other three got it right with 'Yes'.

Stephanie Woods last appeared when she was 14 years old and got to see Sharon Osbourne's house - unlucky girl.  Now aged 20, she sang and was excellent.  TTT showed his dimness with "There is improvements to be made."  Sharon said, "I feel so old" and Elf responded with his funniest retort: "You are old."

Samantha Harper wanted to be as big as Beyonce, and J-Koda was fucking awful - TTT commented: "TFZ - Talent Free Zone".  Aaron Dale was dead wood and exited via the toilet door.  Then we had Souli Roots, a waste of space who somehow managed to endear the judges to her (except for TTT who said: "It might feel good, it just doesn't sound good."  He was so right; it will never win so WTF is the point of patronising the wacky woman?

James McDonald, the Nottingham bus driver was good enough, as was Louise Harper with her guitar. Then Next of Kin managed to bring out the superlatives from the judges.  Elf = 'Big'  Sharon = 'Huge' TTT = 'Massive' Nicole = 'Absolute'.  TMWSC = 'Good'.

Sunday

Souli Roots was diafuckingbolical, yet got a "Good job" from Nicole, and "We need some more reggae on X-Factor" from Elf.  Yes, Elf, but not noise. Only TTT got it right with a 'No'.

Lydia Lucy took a big risk and managed to stand out.  Nicole was surprised, and said: "Where did you come from?"  "Essex" was the funny answer.

Jeanette Akua wasn't on the Saturday show (?) but was interesting.  Lucy McGuire was also new but awful, as was Emily Felix.  These were the token acts that were needed for the balance of the show to be right.  So far everyone on the Saturday show was going through after the follow-up performance. James McDonald managed to be a generally good singer who got only one 'Yes' and went home.  Whilst he was good but not a winner, he was so much better than Souli Roots who did get put through!  WTF?

Kingsland got through despite the vocals being off a lot of the time.  It seems there's a lot of 'tolerance' when it suits.  Next of Kin showed some talent and went through, as did Nicholas McDonald, who did himself proud.

Sadly, the ad breaks included yet more of Dermot O'Dreary, plugging Muller Light yoghurt.

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3.9.13 News That Sucks

Identity Request

There are two different aspects to the story this week regarding the ID check requested by a checkout operator when a woman decided to buy a fly swat. Quite clearly there was some sort of mad error in the coding of this product, because a 99p plastic fly swatter is hardly an offensive weapon, so there was no need to check that the purchaser was above the age of 18.  The last time I looked at UK legislation, there was no ban on anyone under 18 killing a fly, and there was not even a guideline or advisory note from the animal welfare faction. So, a fly being swatted by a plastic implement is acceptable in 2013 Britain.  I think it's different in the Third World, as I recall seeing on numerous occasions pictures of small malnourished children who are plagued by flies, and they are not allowed to kill flies.

The real issue here is not the mad rules (highlighted by the customer, Nicola Butcher, who later said that a frying pan would have made a better weapon for doing damage) but the stupid adherence to them by the checkout operator, who wanted a passport or a driving licence!  The twattish (or should that be swattish) comment from the assistant manager was: "We think it might be an error in our till system."  Thanks for that, luv - fantastic insight!

Finally, to compound the whole fiasco, the customer, Nicola Butcher, is thirty-fucking-three!  You do not need cunting ID when you're that much past any fucking limit anyway.  If the checkout operator had not the common sense to ignore the ID check, she was a complete imbecile if she could not deduce that the customer was over 18 anyway.  Challenging an acne-riddled youth who wants a litre of vodka is one thing, but a 33-year-old mum in need of a plastic fly sway is another.  The UK is mad.

Fucking Priests

I don't mean literally - for a change.  No, I am highlighting the stupidity of the religious twats who displayed this week a rather pathetic approach in modern Britain.  When there's so little need for 'religion', why did Reverend Neil Patterson think it was acceptable to marry Charlotte Sullivan (a deranged 40-year-old) and Matthew, a 51-year-old bloke who is as mad as she is?  She walked up the aisle with her pet goat called Moses alongside?  One of the bridesmaids was a bull terrier called Bessie.  If the church is this delinquent in its decision making and in its actions, then it deserves to be abandoned at lightning speed.  The church is an ass!

Council Pillocks

Brighton & Hove Council is without doubt the loopiest collection of arseholes in the UK, after the recent decision to allow travellers use of a park after unlocking the gates!  After adopting an approach of locking gates over the summer after ongoing problems with travellers, it did an about turn when 30 caravans were set to arrive.  Apparently there was concern that some of the travellers might hurt themselves trying to get in. The result is that the police have no power to evict them now.  Instead, the council will have to embark on a lengthy civil court case to get rid of these squatters, and so in turn the local residents, via their taxes, will be paying for that - all the time having to manage without use of the park now that it's infected with numerous caravans and the accompanying clutter.  Wild Park is a place that may well turn a bit wilder - from the area's largest nature reserve to a human wildlife park.  The thirty caravans on site are bound to be just the start of an influx; it's pretty likely that a few phone calls will be made to alert other travellers that they can 'come on down'.  The council is blaming Health & Safety.  That's a complete cop-out; the fault lies 100% with the useless CIC.

Curry Cunts

Two twats ordered a curry to be delivered to a false address, and then stole it from the delivery bloke after holding a gun to his head.  This whole episode beggars belief, but Dale Barker and Liam Donovan truly were stupid cunts, and have no real grip on reality.  They were jailed for 28 months and 36 months respectively, although we all know that this means, in real terms, 9 months and 12 months of time actually served unless they act up in prison.  Stealing a £30 curry at gunpoint suggests delinquency, and perhaps a country with a growing proportion of lunatics.  The fact that they were traced back to Barker's home where the pair were hiding in a toilet makes the whole thing even more farcical.


[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

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3.9.13 We Could Really Do Without . . .

The following all have one thing in common; they play an unnecessary part in our lives and we could well do without them.  How many to you agree with?


1     - Rihanna
2     - Meerkats in adverts
3     - Gratuitous singing in Halifax adverts
4     - Justin Bieber
5     - Katie Price
6     - Tamara Ecclestone
7     - Miley Cyrus
8     - Roulette on TV
9     - Tony Blair
10   - Rickets
11   - Religion
12   - Excessive delays in traffic light sequencing
13   - Traffic lights on roundabouts outside of rush hour
14   - Referring to Andy Murray as "Muzza"
15   - Bruce Forsythe as well as all his lame attempts at being funny
16   - Helen Flanagan
17   - Churchill adverts and the nodding Dawn French
18   - Kevin Bacon
19   - The obsession with paying for sofas over 4 years
20   - Terms & Conditions
21   - The Co-operative
22   - Forced self service by supermarkets
23   - The people who point out 'Space Here' in supermarkets
24   - The question: "Do you need any bags?"
25   - The rationing of bags
26   - Recommended Retail Prices (which are in fact meaningless)
27   - Gordon Brown
28   - Betting shops
29   - Sharon Osbourne
30   - Dawn French
31   - The word 'wantaway'
32   - The Go Compare Bloke
33   - Robert Mugabe
34   - Helmets on display on the parcel shelf of cars
35   - The stupidly high usage of high visibility vests/coats
36   - John Terry
37   - Luis Suarez
38   - Chewing gum
39   - Brussels sprouts
40   - The awful non-word 'chillax'
41   - Extreme anything
42   - 'I Love My Country' on BBC1
43   - Automated call handling systems
44   - Wonga
45   - Twerking
46   - Twin towns
47   - Scratchcards
48   - Horrible tasting 'No Added Sugar' varieties of drink
49   - Boots (the shop)
50   - About 50% of all politicians
51   - £50 notes, as no fucker accepts them
52   - The word / colour 'mauve'.
53   - Anything maroon
54   - Maroon 5 (in case you didn't get the message in No.53)
55   - Hoodies
56   - Use of "Great British" in the names of TV programmes
57   - The BBC's obsession with creating a game show linked to the National Lottery draw
58   - The ludicrous number of charities now 'competing' with each other for our money
59   - Upselling
60   - Banks forcing contactless cards on us
61   - People eating in the cinema
62   - Wind turbines
63   - Benefits cheats
64   - Junk mail
65   - Use of "Math" instead of "Maths"
66   - Julian Assange
67   - Bingo
68   - Misuse of the apostrophe
69   - Unnecessary/excessive packaging
70   - Toenails that don't know which way to grow
71   - Wasps
72   - European Human Rights legislation used for ludicrous reasons by criminals
73   - Gangrene and gout
74   - Cricket
75   - Loose Women
76   - Trombones
77   - WAGs who simply want to be WAGs
78   - Vince Cable
79   - The Channel 4 obsession with Gypsies, whether Big, Fat or Anything
80   - Nicki Minaj
81   - Beyonce
82   - Taylor Swift's bleating, relationship hang-ups and generally bitchiness
83   - The annoying marketing of Plug-in air fresheners
84   - The pointless egg compartments in fridges
85   - Christmas decorations before November
86   - Tacky stretch limousines and Hummers
87   - Sports Direct
88   - Obesity
89   - Bianca Gascoigne
90   - The term "trending"
91   - John Prescott
92   - People who unjustifiably class themselves as 'presenters' or 'models'
93   - Mispronunciation of "Fifth" (Fith) "Sixth" (Sikth) and "Twelfth" (Twelth)
94   - Artificially chirpy weather forecasters
95   - Ed Miliband
96   - Cuntish judges who give pathetically low sentences to offenders
97   - Ponies that can't even do one trick
98   - Nick Clegg
99   - Prices ending in 99p
100 - Rihanna, again

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2.9.13 Dictionary Corner

Assange (n.) An affront or outrage; a cause of anger, disgust or frustration.  A display or action which causes any of the aforementioned.

BBC (abr.) Biased Broadcasting Corporation.

Bieberism (n.) The art of acting like a complete cunt.  Derived from (Justin) Bieber's actions, particularly in 2013.

Bingo (n.) Pointless game which comes in far too many cunting varieties, for example: Foxy~, Wink~, Sun~, Gala~, Mecca~, Kitty~ to name just a few out of many dozens.

Blairism (n.) An obsession to earn money, promote oneself, trample on others, deny any wrongdoing and generally be a self-serving shit while lauding it over all others, all the time adopting hypocrisy as an underlying trait. Thought to have been named after Tony Blair, although some argue that Cherie Blair has an almost equal claim on being the subject of the term.

Clegg (n.) Like a clog but more wooden and less useful.

Cleverley (adv.) In a manner or style that is anything but clever - in fact the very opposite.  Eg. Tom cleverly kicked the ball for Manchester Utd and wasted it.

Coast (n.) Television programme on BBC2 which has been filling schedules for years, despite there being a finite amount of fucking coast to wander along.

Collective Noun (n.) The name of a number or collection of people or things taken together and spoken of as one whole.  A collective noun is SINGULAR, despite the fact that 8-out-of-10 cunts get this wrong.  For example, and to Quote Jeremy Paxman on University Challenge: "The next set of questions are on music." Clearly this proves he's as thick as most.  So, to give an example of proper usage: "The snatch of cunts is useless."  [Snatch being the collective noun for a set of cunts]

Cricket (n.) What something just is not, if that something is unfair, unsporting or simply wrong.

Dawn (v.) To diet unsuccessfully, thought to come from the French.

Dermott (n.) Something or somebody particularly dreary, thought to be a term linked to Dreary O'Leary.

DFS (abr.) Dire Fucking Sofas, and a trade name for a company selling such. The relentless haranguing of the public to buy over four years has turned sofa-buying into a national sport in the UK.

Ecclestone (n.) A crystalline concretion (similar to a gallstone) that pisses off the sufferer, who will acquire an Ecclestone through exposure to ludicrous levels of richness mixed with bad taste, and a repugnant attitude. The main cause of this awful state is exposure to Tamara, who only lives in another world in the metaphoric sense, sadly.

Fern (v.) To supposedly diet successfully, and to claim weight loss through diet and exercise while actually cheating. Having a gastric band fitted on the sly is the preferred method, as demonstrated in the 'Britton' technique.

Fewer (adj.) A word that sadly gets a shit deal, wrongly losing out to "less" because thick cunts don't know the difference.

Flanagan (n.) A word meaning a severe clanger.  It is now commonly accepted that dropping one is termed "doing a Flanagan".  The term comes from the pathetic creature known as Helen Flanagan, whose abilities, awareness, sensitivity and intelligence are all wanting.  Actually, not so much 'wanting' as existing purely as "trace", just like certain ingredients are listed on food packaging now.

Forsythe (n.) A depressingly shit joke that's so tired it ought to be put down by a vet.  Takes its name from Bruce, who has spent most of his career extolling the virtues of his own lame jokes despite the groans that have echoed around him for thirty years now.

Gok (n.) Someone you've got to do something with or find something to do with.  A Gok is a generic term synonymous with 'nuisance', and applies most commonly when a person is under contract but has no real use anymore, meaning that employers must be creative.  Gok's are commonly forced upon people (especially in the media and in broadcasting) who sooner or later will resent the presence.

Grammar (n.) Something that is sadly not used as commonly as it should be.

Halifax (v.) To sing obsessively for no logical reason about things that ought never to be sung about.

Homage (n.) Pretentious mispronunciation of a word in an attempt to retain Frenchness when there's absolutely no need to do so.  This extends to a stupid non-English sound as well as a change of stress from the first to the second syllable.  [This should not be pronounced om-ARJ ever]

Ipswich (n.) A place where one can change an IP address.

Jackpot Joy (n.) A misleading term that denotes no fucking joy at all, especially if presented in association with a 'Windsor' (see separate listing).

Jimmy (n.) A type of Nail.

Kinnock (v.) To milk the system for all it is worth, and make stupid amounts of money for doing little more than nothing.  Kinnocking is popular in South Wales, and in Europe.  A two-pronged attack on funds is known as a 'Double Kinnock'.  Criticism of Kinnocking is known as 'Kinnock Knocking'

Knock Knock (n) An instance of two people Kinnocking (otherwise known as a 'Double Kinnock').

Lambert Talk (n.) A mumbling, inaudible monotone from the mouth of Paul Lambert, the manager of Aston Villa FC.  Rarely can anyone understand what he is attempting to say, and when occasionally the words are audible, they make little or no sense.

Lambeth Walk (n.) A song from the 1937 musical "Me and My Girl".

Meerkats (n.pl.) Small ubiquitous, annoying cunts.

Miley (v.) To go from one extreme to the other, especially in terms of behaviour and good taste, pushing things to the limit by being sluttish and attention-seeking.  The best example of this is the switch by Miley Cyrus from "Hannah Montana" to "Complete Slut & Tramp".

Mullerlicious (adj./sl.) Processed to fuck and neither tasty nor nutritious.

Nigella (adj.) Like a victim; seemingly victimised.

Olympics 2012 (n.pl.) Last year's Little Chef meals.

Outlet (n.) Pretentious word for 'Shop' and actually should be removed from the English language because there's absolutely no need or reason or justification for this word.  As for anything described as a 'factory outlet', that's simply a 'fucking shop'.

Prism (n.) An obsession with PR.

Queries (n.pl.) Questions about homosexual fairies.

Rap (n.) A missing initial letter 'C'.

Rihanna (N.) Well known singer whose ubiquity is nauseating, and whose life choices have been described as questionable after she resumed a relationship with Chris Brown.  She sets an appalling example to fans, especially her younger female followers, and seems desperate to display herself in provocative poses via Twitter.  She was perhaps one of the first to 'miley'.

Skrtel (n.) A severe lack of vowels.

Suarez (n.) A set of teeth that contains extra incisors and the collective likes in unison to chomp sporadically on other people for no apparent reason.

That's A Very Good Question (Phrase) Pointless, unnecessary utterance from someone who instead of answering decides to be patronising whilst stalling for time.  Use of this phrase marks the user as a tosser, and (most often) as a politician.

Trivago (n.) Method of booking a hotel stay - only in Barcelona, though.

Tweedy (n.) Someone who decides to retain her adopted name rather than her maiden name, despite divorcing, because it is advantageous - either because it sounds better or provides other benefits in self-promotion.  Best exemplified by Cheryl Cole.

Undertaker (n.) 1 - One who buries the dead.  2 - One who wants to end up dead by overtaking on the inside lane.

Usain (n.) A type of bolt.

Virginity (n.) A particular bearded look, one with a close resemblance to Richard Branson.

Wantaway (n.) A pathetic word for a pathetic individual, and the literal meaning is 'greedy cunt', based on the Wantaway simply wanting to move away from the current environment for more money.  The main realm for this term is sport, and most particularly football. (adj) implying that the person concerned wants to get away from the current environment, or club in respect of football, because he's a greedy cunt.

Windsor (n.) 1 - A type of knot into which a tie may be fashioned. 2 - An annoying-as-fuck voice that is allegedly a 'national treasure' but of course is nothing of the sort.  A grating and horrendous assault on human ears, especially in association with 'Jackpot Joy'.

Wonga (N.) Company with no ethics and serving its own interests by charging interest at over 5000% on loans.  Sadly 'endorsement' has come from Newcastle United FC, whose acceptance of sponsorship displays a completely fucked-up sense of responsibility.

Working Men's Club (n.) Establishment where the main qualification/criterion for membership or attendance is in fact NOT working.

X-Factor (N.) Television show that sets out to dominate the TV schedules for three-and-a-half months of the year, and create vast wealth for ITV and Simon Cowell.  The programme is far too much about the judges instead of the talent spotting, and manipulation is rife.  Dermot O'Dreary presides over the presentation, while tired lines are fed to the public by overpaid twerps, eg. Louis Walsh.

Yaya (n.) 1 - A female yoyo from Manchester.

Yazz (prep. & adv.) Up.

Zero (n.) The amount of taste in a Diet Coke.

Zidane (n.) A head butt.

Zinedine (adj.) Severe and/or nasty.

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1.9.13 Earthquake Disaster

I sadly and accidentally stumbled across the Chart Show last Sunday, playing on Radio 1, just at the point where the number four was about to start.  The title of this noise was "Earthquake" and what a complete fucking disaster it was.  I struggled to come to terms with how the dreadful noise coming from my car speakers was in any way worthy of a top forty position let alone a fourth place as a new entry!

As is typical these days, those in the charts are often incapable of creating anything independently, and so there are numerous collaborations.  This means that instead of there being a sense-check (what with there being  more than one set of ears to help raise the alarm when things are bad) there are instead numerous examples of how poor quality escapes vetting (and culling).

DJ Fresh was thus not totally responsible for 'Earthquake', the shatteringly awful racket at No.4.  His partners in crime are Diplo and Dominique Young.  I avoided crashing the car as the discordant bollocks rattled on for three minutes.  I can only say that in comparison with 'Earthquake', the horrendous 'Black and Yellow' (released in Sept 2010) was a veritable masterpiece - which is wasn't, of course.

12 of the top 20 note multiple inputs!

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1.9.13 August Poor Grammar of the Month

1   - "Spain do have the power to close the border."  [Do it indeed!  Twat on ITV News regarding Gibraltar]

2   - "We're going to look at which each of these phobias are a fear of."  [Alexander Armstrong on 'Pointless']

3   - "The village have been up in arms about it."  [Ray Robson in N.Yorkshire, in local paper]

4   - "Scotland Yard are . . . "  [TV News reporter]

5   - "This industry are saving the taxpayer millions."  [Twat on TV from LA Fitness UK]

6   - "That's why Domestos have assembled their best team."  [TV Advert]

...

1.9.13 August Quotes of the Month

1   - "You'll have to excuse me, I'm breaking in a new paper boy."  [Norris on Coronation Street]

2   - "There's one bowl of strawberry yoghurt left and I've hidden it behind a Chinese Cabbage, otherwise you won't get any."  [Mrs MWSC]

3   - "Counting."  [The answer from a contestant on National Lottery: Break The Safe when Nick Knowles asked her what method she used to judge thirty seconds]

4   - "In this pantheon of the best matches of all time, that one won't feature."  [Adrian Chiles talking shite]

5   - "That's a whole other big chunk of money."  [Nick Knowles talking gibberish]

6   - "I think maybe two minutes."  [Pi, volunteering a comment in a matter-of-fact manner about the probable life of a butterfly loitering on the window sill, clearly injured]

7   - "It was Charlie Adam with that educated left foot finish."  [John Motson being a dick]

8   - "The important thing is not to let the race bubble on ahead of them."  [Sports commentator regarding the rowing]

9   - "I think there's blood in the water here."  [The same commentator getting slightly carried away!]

10 - "Eight inch if possible, but ten inch I'll accept."  [Jess, talking about . . . . . pizzas]

11 - "It's all neck and neck, and even stevens."  [Nick Knowles, again, talking rubbish]

12 - "They certainly turned up when it mattered."  [Manish Basin regarding Yeovil Town players scoring, rather than actually 'turning up']

13 - "It's a bit of a bumpy ride into the weekend."  [Usual shit from weather forecaster]

14 - "Every day more photos are taken with the iphone."  [A rather pointless statement when you analyse it]

15 - "They'll be expecting him to work those gulleys."  [Andy Townsend talking crap about non-existent 'gulleys']

16 - "That thing with Jeremy Clarkson?"  [Jess, after Liam asked, "Have you ever seen Top Gun?"]

17 - "The penalty was a penalty, everybody saw that."  [Paul Lambert]

18 - "He missed two huge moments.  How can you miss that magnitude of a decision?  It is beyond me."  [Paul Lambert, again]

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