I have got hold of a copy of a local paper - you know the sort, available free of charge (sometimes from certain shops or business premises, and sometimes posted through the letterbox). I thought I'd share with you some of the very many errors contained within. I realise it's a free publication, but whether it's paid for or not, the production of a newspaper in England in English should benefit from slightly better checking before going to print.
ADVERTS
The cost of producing the paper is clearly met by advertisers, so one might expect that the adverts would be fairly accurate. I am not sure whose responsibility it is to check things. It could be the editor's job, or a proof reader, or it could simply be the company placing the advert that's at fault. Here are some of the
faux pas and typing errors found within adverts for events, products and services.
Car Servicing
On the front page, a local garage has decided to advertise and take a quarter-page to promote various services, including MOTs. I noticed the printed version said
MOT'S and the highlighted offer highlighted the inappropriate apostrophe. I suspect few will be that bothered, but I am one of them.
UPVC
Whilst it's not essential, what with there being a phone number and a road name, you'd think that the address of an advertiser might include the postcode. It seems not, based on a company selling UPVC. This adverts omits the postcode, but manages also to spell the town name wrongly - Sketon instead of Skelton. There is further annoyance created by the opening/closing times including '12pm' which does not exist!
Need Glasses?
One would hope that an advert for an optician might not have letters in the wrong order, but unfortunately I found prescription spelt "perscription". I am sorry, but that is rather worrying, because I'd want the company to have an eye for detail, and the word 'prescription' is hardly alienn to the staff, considering every fucker needs one to determine what glasses or contacts lenses will be needed!
Hair
The double page feature / advert for a hairdressing salon includes details of the staff and their roles. I was especially taken with the job description - "Fashion Forecaster" and I worry what the world is coming to when such a role is warranted. There is a small section headed "Top tips for blondes" and I expected to see some jokes below. Unfortunately the senior colour technician mentioned some Do's and Dont's - so on the language side, Karen is hardly very technical. First, there is inconsistency, because she has adopted a weird approach for making the two words plural. Adding the letter S is all that's needed for both words. So, the apostrophe on her
Do's heading is not needed. As for the other word, I am struggling to understand how she has not only decided to add an apostrophe before the letter S, she's gone and removed the apostrophe for the missing O in don't. The end result of
Dont's is simply ludicrous. Other annoyances include silly paragraphs dotted about the pages, headed "Trend Alert". What bollocks. Finally, under a heading "What's your colour?" I am outraged within just a few words. "If you're fancying a colour change, . . .". There is no fucking need - stick to 'If you fancy' not the pretentious shit of a phrase 'If you're fancying'.
Property
Seven pages are devoted to Parker Stag. Its maintenance division has a full page which gives details of the different disciplines it can cope with. For double Glazing, there is clarification that this includes Windows, Doors, Soffitts and Fascias. I don't trust any fucker to sort out my soffits if he cannot even spell it properly.
Aerials
Not much to say about this advert; just two things. The plural of TV is
TV's apparently, rather than the correct version of TVs. The last line for the advert is as curious as fuck. "Government recommend use of digital registered installers." If you can make any sense of that, then have a biscuit!
Patio
The building firm features in its advert a quote from a satisfied customer. "We are very pleased with the finished result." I am somewhat confused by this claim; was there a half-time score? Are there other forms of 'results' which are not final? Outcome/consequence/effect = result. Well done, Mike, for building the patio. I am pleased that your customers were happy once you'd finished the result!
Sports Club
Apparently on Fridays there is a
Dart's League. That's right,
greengrocer syndrome stikes again, with plurals requiring an apostrophe. Pathetic. It's a wonder the header didn't state
Sport's Club. There's also mention of under 18's. Arrrghhhh!
Residents
There's a wonderful note below the name of the residents association. "The next meeting will be at 7pm on 7th June in the upstairs meeting room of St Peters Church. Agenda will include several items of local concern." I should fucking well hope so. That says nothing! That's no better than saying the Pigeon Fanciers' Club will meet on Thursday, and there will be mention of pigeons.
Driveways
The sales pitch for EcoDrives is wonderful. The first bullet point staes: "They ward of weeds". I think it was meant to say "off". Further down it says "Most jobs fitted in one day" but you can't really fit a job, can you? Elsewhere, the ProBound advert for driveways also likes this approach: "Work fitted in a day". I suspect that it will be a day's work that fits into one day.
Pizza
The opening times on this advert are, in my opinion, unhelpful. Sunday - Wednesday 4.30pm till late. Thursday - Saturday 4.30pm till 4am. So, what exactly does 'late' mean? Clearly the place opens at 4.30pm every day of the week. As for closing, I am confused. Surely 4am is
late? Or is that
early? Does the manager make it up as he goes along, but commit to 4am for three of the days?
WindowFix
With a name like this, I fully expect the company to fix windows, and it does. Sadly the bullet points are not given correctly. After the "We Replace" preface, there are eleven points that do not all follow the necessary convention. Clearly no one has thought to say "We replace" in front of each bullet point and see if it makes sense. Here are some that don't -
We replace UPVC repairs to windows
We replace we reseal windows and remove mouldy silicone
We replace we renew lead above bow windows
We replace door barrels replaced
We replace hinges replaced
The right side of the advert seems to include some contradictions, considering the company's name. In the first paragraph, we're told it specialises in flat roofs. Further, the opening line probably means flat roofs are reconstructed to make them sloping, rather than covered in pitch. "We convert flat roofs into pitch roofs" should really state "pitched". The rest of the poor English includes: "We specialise in flat roofs which covers porches, dormers, garages, extensions and balconies which is done in a glass reingorced polyester system." Make of that what you will.
Valet
It seems the window people are not alone in failing to understand the concept of a bullet point list after an initial proposition. Here we go again, for the points after "We offer:" which in effect means the following -
We offer use eco-friendly products
We offer specialise in motorhomes caravans and boats
We offer executive/prestige/corporate vehicle cleaning/valeting undertaken
We offer pick up and drop off service available
We offer
f find us on facebook
Theatre
"The Cherry Orchard Doors and Bar 7pm Curtain up 7.30pm" is exactly the way one event is announced. Only through consideration of other items on the bill does one come to realise that despite the single font and same boldness for all words on the one line, and unnecessary capitals for Bar and Curtain, the performance is "The Cherry Orchard". Shitty typesetting, then. Further down, I think I've got the hang of if, after reading "Brass Neck Comedy Club Doors and Bar 7pm Curtain Up 8pm, even thou Up has a capital 'U' this time. I am intrigued by the possibility of an Icelandic contingent within the population of North Yorkshire, after seeing that the local Film Society is showing 'The Devil's Island (Icelandic with subtitles). I do not believe there's much call for a film in Icelandic for speakers of the language, and so I should fucking well hope there are some subtitles. The fact that there are subtitles means I don't really care that the film is in Icelandic, because I'll be reading English. The film the week before is not subtitled. My Week with Maryiln. No that is not a typo by me - it really does read that way. Now, the 'with' really ought to have a capital 'w' because otherwise it's a film call My Week and it features Marilyn ( for that is who I think was supposed to be mentioned - unless Maryiln is Icelandic for Marilyn. I am still unsure though as to whether we're perhaps talking of Monroe, who's starring. Or, someone (unnamed) is spending a week with someone else called Marilyn or the Icelandic equivalent). Anyway, it was shown on 31st May so it's all irrelevant now, and I'll never know.
Family Fun Day
The type face and purple print are not easy to read, and this led to my reading of one of the lines in a way that is perhaps not normally associated with fun days and events/rides aimed at children. Initially it did look like (and the first word is NOT 'Thai') - "Try Boxing, Bowls, Climb the Wall & Ride the Fucking Bronco.
Training
Driver CPC courses are available. The courses are apparently "flexible and available weekdays, evenings and weekends to work around business needs." So, to recap, then , whenever you fucking like. The plural of NVQ is NVQs and not NVQ's.
There's further mayhem on the same pafe, on another advert for training. "A briiliant training facility is based in the Business Centre, who offers training to clients both locally and throughout the UK." This nonsense if followed by mix and match, regarding whethere the company is singular or plural, and then appears the wonderful line: "Having previously worked in the food industry Tom has experience in all aspects of training." I never realised that working in the food industry automatically meant experience of training would be so comprehensive! Absolute tosh.
Carpets
Oh dear! The full page advert contains stuff that seems to have come about after a chat with someone at the roller shutter doors. The style and content is a mess. "8 choices of colour" is not right. I have one choice, but I may choose from a range that includes 8 different colours. Why not just stick with "A choice of 8 colours" which is the proper way to present the information? Simlarly, "Lots more choice in stock" is simply bollocks. I think someone at this firm is rather obsessed with
choice and likes it to form the thrust of every supposed benefit of dealing with the company. "We are probably one of the largest stockists of rolls in the town." orry, but I reckon Greggs will beat you on that one. There's me thinking that you stocked carpet! "If your flooring is not in stock we will order it for you." That's not a fucking benefit or perk, that's fucking essential if you're going to be selling anything! To be fed this line as some sore of service feature is mad. "Prices that are more than competitive." Hmmmmm . . . tell me, then, how exactly is a price more than competitive? How much more? Nonesense. "The service can include uplifting and removal of old flooring." Make your mind up on the language - it's either uplift and removal, or uplifting and removing (and drop the 'of'). Finally, because I don't want to raise too much, we have a sentence that reads: "We have lots of remnant carpets and vinyls in store from room size to bathrooms." So, I deduce from this that bathrooms are not rooms, and that the size of a bathroom is in no way comparible to the size of other rooms in a house, and needs separate classification. Nore nonsense.
OTHER GENERAL ERRORS
- Credit Unions are a not-for-profit organisation, offering savings and loans for all their members.
- He went to their offices and then onto a collection point.
- Sole traders and companies cross the North East are among the victims of the shortfall.
- An army of dedicated walkers are getting ready for a hike on June 3rd.
- Slow roast for 2-3 hours until meat is falling of bone.
- The association will be holding their next meeting on Wednesday 13th June.
- Whatever meal anyone at group wants to know about, Ann has a great recipe that she's already tried from one of our cook books to suggest.
- All staff will continue to carry identity badges so they can be formerly identified.
Finally, here's a little bit from the piece entitled "Home Decor" with the sub-title "This Month Go Green". It makes wonderful (wonderfully awful) reading.
Refresh you home withgreen, the most spirited and eco-chic colour. Because green is a colour you find in nature, it actually works well with just about any colour, making it a nice alternative to grey or brown. Jus about any green can look sophisticated - it's all about how the colours are presented and how much of them are used. For a subtler use of green you can put lots of greens together.
It goes on, in cloud cuckoo land for a bit longer. There's a small box below the writing, with an advert for decorating services, seemingly by the same person who wrote this shit. I somehow think I'll not be outsourcing my painting. I wonder if next month it'll be "Go Blue". After all, the sky is blue and part of nature, so it goes with just about everything.
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