RVP - Oh dear, what a jumbled mixture of shit and good stuff. I refer NOT to Robin Van Persie, but the Royal Variety Performance. There was the usual deference shown by all to the arriving Royals, on this occasion William and Kate. Alfie Boe managed to kill the National Anthem in the style of some sort of West End production - obviously he knows no other way to conduct himself.
Geoffrey Palmer was the unseen announcer and sounded as deadpan as ever. Michael McIntyre was his usual funny self in the opening few minutes, gently taking the mickey out of the Royals. Then it was time to move on with the various acts. On more than one occasion I was to find myself willing Michael McIntyre to herd off the stage muppets with no talent, and give me something to laugh at.
Bette Middler
She sang "Be My Baby", in the style of a washerwoman mangling a baby to its agonising death. Who the fuck decided not to warn this old biddy that singing shite like that was not, under any definition, entertainment? The squinting, puffy 'singer' doled out the abysmal words to an abysmal song quite abysmally. I stared into the abyss and wondered whether to jump, but luckily she stoped wailing the shit before I actually jumped.
The English Gents
This was an unusual act, including some novel balancing and shows of strength. In essence this was a good portrayal of something that is rightly included in a 'variety' performance, so fair play to the two chaps.
Demi Lovato
The "dazzling" Demi Lovato was thus introduced by Geoffrey, though with rather limited conviction. "Let It Go" was the message yelled our way by the overrated woman who modelled a dress made from the leftovers of a primary school collage.
McBusted
Why the hell this rabble has a monopoly on the non-word Supergoup is beyond me. Never in the fields of music or entertainment has there been such a poor use of English to describe a complete racket from any collective on stage. They were performing something called 'Air Guitar' and shuddered, as did Mrs MWSC, at the pathetic song, singing, music and background rabble that joined the chaps on stage.
Jack Whitehall
This is the only bloke in the country less funny than Russell Brand. He is quite frequently inappropriate with his choice of material, and wildly off the mark in assessing whether something is funny and therefore worth saying. The sycophantic cuntish waffle that he spluttered was in keeping with his persona. "I was bullied quite badly at school," said he, in one of his "jokes". Not bullied enough, clearly. The boredom in hearing about his supposed upper class upbringing was akin to that of watching a paint of undercoat dry. "Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight," he finished with. "And you've been a fucking twat," said I.
Simply Red
Michael told us that sales of albums by Simply Red had topped 65 million. About the same as Michael earned in pounds sterling last year, then. "I'll keep holding on," sang Hucknall, and I considered this fairly accurate, seeing as I was under the impression he'd finally fucked off and Simply Red had disbanded. The medley of songs was starting to grate, when he started his third song without finishing either of the previous two. This twat would have started to sing along to Schubert's Unfinished Symphony if he'd been allowed the time.
Stephen Mulhern
This childish performance reliant totally on audience participation would have been better suited to a child's birthday party. "Oh no she didn't." "Oh yes she fuckin did!" "It's behind you!" Yawn - Lame as fuck.
Pumeza
A woman in red managed to warble some high-pitched stuff for about 90 seconds. I've no idea why it was felt necessary by those in charge to include her in proceedings.
Sarah Millican
A complete waste of space and most definitely a pointless appearance.
Ed Sheeran
This was a typically solid contribution, and put right the dwindling quality level from previous participants.
Shirley Bassey
She did what she does. There's not really a lot more that can be said. Formulaic, predictable and shit, and such a long way from being inventive, entertaining or relevant. Yawn. When will the establishment stop giving her OTT recognition?
Saigon
Any appearance from ANY rabble introduced as "The Cast of . . . . " on any show is generally fucking awful. This time it was Saigon, and 'awful' was indeed appropriate for this bollocks. Why was so much time devoted to this keg of cunting crap? "I hope you're putting something appropriate on this rubbish," said Mrs MWSC as she went off to the kitchen. I shouted out the above comments, and she was pleased with the input from me.
Ellie Goulding
Her dress was longer than an unwound Andrex loo roll, and pretty much covered the stage. "Overdressed," I'd say. She sang well enough, though, and so was perfectly acceptable.
Trevor Noah
He was certainly interesting, and quite funny. Just when he was getting going, the slot seemed to have come to an end. Why did we have so much shit earlier on from the likes of Bassey and the Cast of Something-or-other?
Collabro
Simon introduced the five chaps, the prize winners from this year's Britain's Got Talent. It was a safe offering, with harmonies that were thought through rather than thrown towards us (like the recent X-Factor contestants such as Stereo Kicks). Soothing enough sounds, building while I typed my blog and tried to get to the end of the sentence on or before the last note of the input from the five-some. Voila! Perfect timing. We could have collaborated!
Alfie Boe
As sure as there's a fart in the Annual Flatulence Championships, Alfie Boe is available for general hoity-toity bollocks on TV or stage. He came on singing a medley of middle-of-the-road stuff instead of standing in the middle of the road and tempting car to run him over.
Hamish McCann
The maile pole dancer was good. Of course, if it was a woman on stage, it would have been viewed so differently, and in a less complimentary outcome. That's equality for you.
Russell Kane
This man struggled to justify his presence at the event, and did not succeed. I did not laugh once. He should be caned; he would have been if this was coming from Singapore. Pathetic. He's had months to plan what he was going to say, and he came up with this!
Ladysmith Black Mambazo Inala
WTF? It may perhaps be described as 'ethnic' but that does not mean it wasn't shit. It was in fact shit. Sadly it lasted slightly longer than the timescale for me to Google what the ensemble was called, after the lightning intro left me non-plussed.
Adverts
Now that's what I call Musicals was advertised. "If anyone bought me that, I'd snap it in front of their fucking face," I said out loud to a reclined Mrs MWSC. Generally, the adverts in all of the breaks were collectively an onslaught of shit comprising in the main a stream of plugs for albums from those performing, or of the same ilk. Arduous indeed.
Rod Woodward
Fucking funny! The oddest accent, interesting delivery, and good material. Why didn't he get given Russell Kane's time allowance as well?
One Direction
This will be one of their last performances, I suppose. There can be no doubt that the 'split' will come within a year. This was so Radio 2 / Middle-of-the-road that I fail to see why this is the cause of so much adulation on the part of nine-year-old girls and people with limited IQs. If this is the "biggest band in the world", then what the cuntin fuck is there to be done in the musical world anymore? It makes no sense.
...
No comments:
Post a Comment